Saturday, March 2, 2024

CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS

What they're saying about Jim's provocative blog:

--“If you like stuff written by a man who has to read the instructions on a toothpaste tube, go right ahead!”—Stephen Colbert

--"The only column that should come with a warning label.”Steve Martin

--"I love it when he says he doesn’t always agree with everything he says.”Joe Biden

--"He's from this country, Mexicans don't read him, so that's good enough for me."--Donald Trump

--"The one thing I didn't delete from my private server."--Hillary Clinton

--I swear, he’s the real deal!”—George Santos

--"Jimaschizzle!"--Calvin Broadus, Jr. (aka Snoop Dogg)

--“Acerbic comedy without the annoying aftertaste!”—Jimmy Kimmel

jimjustselling . . .


Actually, I'm not, but the good folks at HenschelHAUS are.
https://henschelhausbooks.com/product/lol-i-gags/


The book is also available at:

POPCORN

                                                                 By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life 

  --I was the first teenage member of The Hair Club for Men.

--If St. Patrick were around today, I think he’d be trying to drive all the snakes out of office!

--March madness. You’ll be hearing those words on TV ads a lot this month. Me, I'm mad 12 months a year--and twice on Sunday. (And the person who wins the NCAA Basketball Tournament office pool is usually a woman who picks the teams by their nicknames or uniforms.  Never fails.)

--Who made the decision that all TV anchors and commentators should pronounce "candiDATE as “candiDIT”?  (What dit is the election?  Do you have a dit for Saturday night?  What’s the dit today?)

--Speaking of politics, -what was your favorite moment of the Vivek Ramaswamy candidacy?

--Pro NO! Customers who forked out $3,500 for the Apple Vision Pro headset are already returning the devices, claiming they cause eye strain, headaches and motion sickness.

“More than 200,000 pairs of the groundbreaking goggles were sold during pre-order before being released to the public on Feb. 2,” news reports told us.

(There’s that idiotic term again—“pre-order.” You mean that’s the order I place before I place the actual order?  And the ridiculous verbiage never ends! A crisp $100 bill to anyone who can explain what “point” adds (in the vogue phrase “price point”) that “price” doesn’t already say.  Bring back the stocks in the public square for the people who invent or perpetuate these things!

--I’m having trouble mastering the art of stir-frying.  You might say I can talk the talk, but--wait for it--I can’t wok the wok.

--Line never spoken on “The Sopranos”: “You ain’t got the money? Hey, no problem—have a nice day!”

--Miguel Rodencito.  That, if you haven't already guessed, is "Mickey Mouse" in Spanish.  (Literally, "Michael Little Rodent.")

(Sponge Bob Square Pants?  That would be Esponja Menearse Plaza Pantalones! Who else would tell you these things? (That’s a foolproof Party Ice-Breaker, my friends.)

--Winter musings:

Note to TV stations: Wouldn't it be a lot easier to just list the schools that are OPEN instead of showing the names of innumerable schools (and/or companies, event names) on the marathon-length "crawl" at the bottom of the screen?  

I don't understand all these school-closing "snow days." Why?  Because you go to the gym, mall or fast-food joint, and what do you see?  Wall to wall kids!  It's not like the school closing kept them safely at home, so aren't they better off on the school bus and at school instead of individually heading out into the very same elements they're supposedly being "protected" from?  And forget the stay-at-home moms—they don’t exist.

The teachers?  Well, other adult employees find a way to get to work on snowy days, so what's the problem here?  What is this, another quote-unquote liability issue?  Ridiculous.

Ice fishermen are to winter what Civil War re-enactors are to summer.  

(What's the point of freezing your butt off/risking your life/investing in all kinds of gear in trying to catch $6 worth of fish?  Fish that you can buy in many stores! About as pointless as wearing scratchy heavy wool uniforms in August while running around pretending to shoot a guy from your bowling team who's dressed as the "enemy.”)

Winter driving hazard no one ever mentions:  Wet snow that clings to highway signs, making them all but unreadable.  How many missed exits or wrong turns result, not to mention accidents? If we can put a man on the Moon, there should be a way to fix this.  Yet . . . everybody sees this, and nothing is ever done.  Maybe we could put some of those chemicals that are already killing us to good use for a change?

Why do people say, "It’s too cold to snow”?  (Right; those 18-foot snow drifts at the South Pole where it’s 80 below zero are strictly an optical illusion!  Obviously an outlier! Or in these dark days, maybe even a deep fake!)

Electric vehicles are quickly becoming the laughingstock of the century: Few reliable charging stations in safe, well-lit areas, and said vehicles are almost useless in cold weather.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention those pesky exploding batteries.

But the planet is better off, right? Good—we’re on the right track . . .  in a dysfunctional world in which we can’t even do something as simple as phasing out the penny, which has been on the agenda for at least 30 years. 

--Which would be better: To have the hottest thing on the market . . .  or the coolest thing on the market?  Can one thing be both?  Discuss!

--Overheard: “I know a guy who is afraid to Google himself for fear he’ll go blind!”

--jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Profanitype.” n.  The special symbols used by cartoonists to replace swear words (*&%#!, etc.).  No agreement yet established as to which symbol represents which expletive.—“Sniglets,” Rich Hall & Friends.

--Endangered species, language division: “Shindig.” (And you’re an old-timer if you can remember the days when underwear was referred to as “unmentionables.”)

--Overheard: "My, my!  Next fall my 4-year-old grandson will be starting preschool."

No, he won't.  He'll be in SCHOOL; there's nothing "pre" about it.  He will be in a room with a teacher, other kids, a blackboard (or maybe now an iPad?) and won't be able to leave until the bell rings.  That's SCHOOL, whether it's Playland, Harvard or the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

--I don’t care what anyone says:  Olympic figure skaters or “ice dancers” are performers, not athletes.

--Memo to producers of newspaper advertising inserts: “WOW! doesn’t work for me anymore next to a loss-leader price tag.  I think us jaded consumers are all pretty much "WOWed out" by now.  (A recent insert for Walgreen’s had 36 WOW! items.  Enough already!)

Tell you what, advertisers:  Just tell me the product and the price, and I’LL decide whether it's a WOW! for me or not. Your opinion doesn’t count.

(Better yet, why not come up with some more novel wording, something more attention-getting, such as:  HOLY SHIT!  Duracell AA's, 4 pack, 99 cents!!!" . . . Or, "JESUS H. CHRIST!  Snickers 2-pack, 89 cents!!! Now we're talkin' "grabbers," are we not, folks?!)

--There will never be a Richard Belzer Lookalike Contest.  (I loved "The Belz”—my nominee for the Best Comic/Serious Actor Combo Platter.)

--In response to a query from a Popcorn regular in Singapore: Q-tips, according to the company, are so-called because the "Q" stands for Quality.

Q-tips started in the 1920s when the founder noticed his wife applying wads of cotton to toothpicks. The original name for the cotton stick was "Baby Gays," but switched to “Q-tips” in 1926. (“I’ll take the Original Name for Common Household Products for $5,000, Alex.”)

jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that Richard NIxon played the lead role in a school production of 'The Aeneid'?"  (Who said there are no second acts in American life?)

--Is there some kind of rule that says every protest group's chant has to begin with "Hey-hey, ho-ho . . ."?  

--Three words you commonly see in print but never hear anyone actually use: "Cavort," "nimble" and "splendid."

DRUDGING AROUND: Surprising, alarming reasons behind “out of control” STD epidemic: Starts with dating apps . . . Cops: Dealer handed out business cards with cocaine sample attached . . .  Surgical robot burned woman’s intestines and caused her to die: lawsuit . . . Contestants will lose virginity in reality show set on tropical island . . .  “Better than real man”: Young Chinese women turn to AI boyfriends . . . World’s tallest man meets world’s shortest woman . . . Why skipping your dog’s walk is a bigger deal than you think . . . Red Lobster ditches “all-you-can-eat” after huge losses . . .  Six-pack abs six times worse for the heart? (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)

--"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."--Mitch Hedberg

--If I ever have robotic surgery, I can’t wait to get the bill. (“Hey, I programmed MY robot to send you a check! Don’t blame me—it’s out of my hands—literally!)

Speaking of robots: Carving a chicken seems simple enough to people who have done it in the kitchen. But the eye-hand coordination, or reflexive sizing up that the human brain makes as it decides where and how deep to cut has been incredibly difficult to replicate in a robot, says Gary McMurray, who leads a team of robot builders at the Georgia Institute of Technology.

Let’s see if I’ve got this right:  A robot can do delicate brain surgery . . . but can’t cut up a chicken?  I guess we’re not as advanced as we thought we were. (Slap forehead here!)

--He said it: “Learn your lines and don't trip over the furniture."--Spencer Tracy on his advice about acting.

--She said it: "If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes--only sooner."--Tallulah Bankhead

--Talking back to the TV:  When CNN flashed "Coming up next: Are you smarter than the average computer?" I said: "No!  But I've got a chip on my shoulder if that helps!"

--Ryan Seacrest, your flight is now boarding.

--Speaking of flights, a Finnish airline is asking passengers to weigh themselves at departure gates. 

 

Why? The Finnair program is part of an effort to improve airplane balance calculations. Passengers will step on the scales at Helsinki Airport with their carry-on luggage.

More airlines are using this strategy to ensure a plane’s total weight is accurate. Finnair said its program, which began last week, is “voluntary and anonymous.”

--Never order salmon “served on a cedar plank." Why pay $5 more for something you can't eat?

Bank on it: Spaghetti always costs more at a "trattoria."

More dining: jimjustsaying's Eat-Out Tip O' the Week:  At a Mexican restaurant, always
ask to be seated in the No Guitarist section. (“Me gustaría una mesa en la sección
sin guitarrista!”)
--TODAY'S LATIN LESSON: Sicut bonus vicinus, res publica firma est. (“Like a 
good neighbor, State Farm is there”)

Thanks to Al Buckerkie, this month’s Popcorn intern.


Thursday, February 1, 2024

POPCORN

  By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life 

CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS

What they’re saying about Jim’s provocative blog

--"Gluten-free . . . and that’s a good thing!—Martha Stewart

--"I love it when he says he doesn’t always agree with everything he says.”—Joe Biden

--"He's from this country, Mexicans don't read him, so that's good enough for me."--Donald Trump

--"The one thing I didn't delete from my private server."--Hillary Clinton

--"Jimaschizzle!"--Calvin Broadus, Jr. (aka Snoop Dogg)

--“Acerbic comedy without the annoying aftertaste!”—Jimmy Kimmel

*************************

--I was a teenage crime-scene cleanup technician.

--Overheard: “Don’t ever work for someone you wouldn’t want to become.”

--I like to think of myself as couth, ept and combobulated.  Oh, and I’m gruntled, too!

--jimjustsaying’s New Weather Word: When snow flurries are so light that they’re barely visible, they almost look like airborne lint, don’t they? I call them “slint.” Tomorrow’s forecast: Mostly sunny, turning partly slinty by afternoon. Chance of slint: 60 percent.

--I hate to admit it, but my Christmas ornaments are still up. Not the tree--just the ornaments!

--Memo to people who wear windbreakers with the names of taverns on them:  How much are you being paid to advertise your lifestyle choices (such as they are)? (“Yeah, I hang out at the Slimy Skunk Saloon and want everyone to know it.”)

--Rumors that I've been selected for the lead role in "Deuce Bigalow, Geriatric Gigolo" are just that--rumors! (How do these things get started?)

--I’m trying to be more laid back this year. When something upsets me, I’m going to go into low dudgeon.  (Whatever the opposite of “going ballistic is,” that’s what I’ll be doing . . . whenever ballistic behavior would normally be warranted.)

--Some good news . . . finally! Within 10 years, about 95 percent of the world's top tech companies will be American thanks to the U.S. lead in artificial intelligence, Palantir CEO Alex Karp told Axios' Mike Allen in Davos.

Why it matters: Karp called the European startup scene "anemic," noting that tech's "real growth and providers are in America."

America's advantage will compound because of the lack of big tech companies in Europe today, he said--handing "almost all the value" of AI to the U.S.

--Does anyone really believe those restaurant ad claims (often seen in Where to Go Guide-type publications) such as “Voted best (pizza/ribs/fried chicken) in (Your Town Here)”? Eight pizza parlor ads in those pages . . . and all were voted No. 1? Incredible. I know I didn’t vote—did you? Has anyone ever asked for a recount?  Documentation would seem to be in order!

(“Hon, don’t forget; we gotta vote on Tuesday. You know, the Pizza Election. And, oh yes, a week from Thursday is the Primary for Chicken and Ribs.  Mark that down. Hmmm, I wonder if we can vote absentee?”)

--Redundancy patrol: "Pick and choose," "join together," "women’s panties."

--Tax documents are starting to arrive in my mailbox. (If you thought IRS regulations were tough, try figuring out your Body Mass Index!  I need an advisor for that, too!)

--Political speech I'd love to hear (but probably never will).  "Win or lose, I promise to have all of my campaign signs and posters taken down the day after the election."

(Funny, but I don’t recall ever seeing or hearing a candidate’s TV or radio ad after the election, have you?  But somewhere there’s probably a faded Romney poster stuck on a telephone pole somewhere.)

--Prediction:  Some people will be so disenchanted with the presidential candidates that they will write in The My Pillow Guy just out of frustration.  (Well, at least one person will . . . and it well may BE the My Pillow Guy!)

Speaking of politics: If queried by a pollster, ask whom the pollster is voting for.  And if he or she won’t tell you (which they won’t), return the favor.

--More words you seen in print but never hear an actual person ever use in real life: "Chortle," "sheaf" and "imbroglio."

--One wonders who is worse off in our current economic landscape:  The person with virtually no education to speak of and no job (or a McJob) . . . or the person with a master's degree and no job (or a McJob).

(At least Mr., Ms. or Mrs. No Education doesn't have $300,000 or more in student loans to worry about while he or she is worrying where their next meal is coming from!)

--All persons are presumed innocent until the surveillance video is broadcast on national television.

(Wouldn’t you think, given today’s technology, that the quality of those surveillance videos wouldn’t still look like the picture people got on a 1949-vintage TV set!)

--jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that Woody Allen is afraid of elevators and lives on the first floor of his building?”  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)

--“Shoes made of alligator or crocodile leather should be cleaned in the same manure as regular shoes.”—Idaho Falls Eastern Idaho Farmer, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.

--jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Gladhandling.” n.  To attempt, with frustrating results, to find and separate the ends of a plastic trash bag. —“Sniglets,” Rich Hall & Friends

--I’ve basically lived my life bass ackwards, as they say--totally against the grain. For example, I quit drinking when I turned 21!

--He said it: “Travel lets us leave behind our unrealistic prejudices about other places and the people who live there and develop new, more realistic prejudices based on their actual deficiencies.”--Dennis Miller

--She said it: “On a first date, I ask myself, ‘Is this the man I want my kids to spend every other weekend with?’ ”—Rita Rudner

--DRUDGING AROUND:  Minn. woman sues dentist after 4 root canals, 8 dental crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit that led to disfigurement . . . Exploding toilet at DUNKIN’ left customer filthy, injured . . . All Alone: LA has thousands of unclaimed dead . . . Woman will suffer diarrhea forever after Ozempic causes horrible bowel injury . . . Woman found with dog urine in court-ordered drug test . . . Underwear, socks latest item to be locked up in shoplifting crackdown . . . Cops:  Man tried to swap drugs for fried pickles at Buffalo Wild Wings . . . Religious “Nones” now largest single group in USA . . . Man dies while giving eulogy at funeral . . . Shock: Alzheimer’s can spread BETWEEN humans . . . MAGA maniac beheads dad live on YouTube. (As always, thanks to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)

Another in jimjustsaying's series of Occupations No Child Has Ever Fantasized About or Aspired To:  Nail salon technician. (Still No. 1: Insurance-claims adjuster.)

--What’s old is new—again! Flip phones are having a moment as an alternative to smartphones. Consumers--especially younger people--are buying these older phones to cut down on their screen time, according to ZDNET.

U.S. flip phone sales reached about $3 million last year, according to Counterpoint Research. It might not seem like much, but these devices were nearly extinct.

(So if you never joined the cellphone generation, you no longer look like a wayward Mennonite.  And look at all the money you saved?)

--“The Detroit Quartet played Brahms last night.  Brahms lost.” — Anonymous critic


--Overheard: “The World’s Oldest Woman just died at 115.  Man, that title must be CURSED!”

TODAY’S LATIN LESSON:  Non habemus foetidus nives dies cum aetas tua eram! (“We didn't have no stinkin' snow days when I was your age!”)

 Special thanks to Dolly Lama, this month’s Popcorn intern. 

 

POPCORN EXTRA


By Jim Szantor

Perhaps unwittingly, the most prominent of all of the many  true-crime programs/documentaries on TV nowanights—“Dateline” and “20-20”--have spawned a nearly staggering number of “viewalikes” (for lack of a better term).  Such as:

"Murder in the Heartland,”  “Signs of a Psychopath,” “48 Hours,” “Death By Fame,” “See No  Evil,” “Murder Under the Friday Night Lights,” “Betrayed,” “Disappeared,” “Evil Lives Here,” “Very Scary People,” “A Time to Kill,” “I Went Undercover,” “Murder in the Wicked West,” “Buried in the Backyard,” “Fear Thy Roommate,” “Devil in Suburbia,” “Body Cam,” “The Murder Tapes,” “Real Time Crime,” “Murder Comes to Town” and two recent entries, “The Playboy Murders” and “Feds.”

And of course there is an old standby, Fox TV’s "Cops” and its derivatives (“Cops, Jailhouse Las Vegas” etc.) and the well-remembered “America’s Most Wanted.”  And who can forget “Unsolved Mysteries,” starring Robert Stack, he of the “grim presence and ominous narration” (Wikipedia’s words), who was taken out of mothballs in 1987 by NBC long after his storied run as Eliot Ness on “The Untouchables” (1959-1963). “Unsolved” mostly dealt with the paranormal, but crime left its fingerprints and blood spatter on more than a few episodes.

As you undoubtedly know and are constantly reminded (via the obligatory disclaimer at the outset of “Cops”), “All persons are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.” Left unsaid: Unless they are seen by millions on TV, usually sweaty, grime-streaked, shirtless and cuffed while doing their perp walk or the equivalent. (Pity goes out to the valiant lawmen or women who have to put their hands on the heads of these miscreants, the better to propel them into the back seat of the voiture de police.

What separates these imitators from the originals is their sometimes almost comical use of “re-creation footage” (usually and maddeningly not labeled as such), using actors chosen because of their alleged resemblance to the crime victims/participants back in the dark day when the evil deeds occurred. This gambit, never used on “Dateline” or “20-20,” often promotes confusion as it is often hard enough to determine who did what to whom in some of these multiple twist-and-turn sagas without having to remember which actor is supposed to align with which real-life victim, family member or law-enforcement official.  Cold-case episodes invariably feature grizzled and usually portly retired detectives, police chiefs, prosecutors, defense attorneys and the like, all there to lend historical perspective, key details and, occasionally, gravitas.

Another seemingly de rigueur hallmark of these shows is the apparently obligatory opening aerial shot of the city, town or hamlet where the atrocity/atrocities occurred, as if that provides any edification to the viewer.  Stock aerial footage of any typical town would probably suffice (do you really know what Elbow, Alabama looks like from the air?), and no one would be the wiser.  Essentially, the aerial shot basically tells us nothing at all about the event(s) about to unfold.  But you can count on one being there, the copy-cat syndrome apparently as hard to stamp out as Covid and its many derivatives.

--And now there is another notable entry in the True Crime pantheon: “Crime Feed,” starring the Poster Person for Hanging-Judge-Mentality-TV Folks-With-a-Law-Degree, Nancy Grace.  Unlike her confrere of the airwaves, the ubiquitous Dan Abrams, Ms. NG makes no pretense of trying to hide her contempt for anyone remotely connected to the crime du jour.  She seethes, she sneers, she snarls and nearly hyperventilates as she engages in discourse with her colleagues, a male private investigator and Mara S. Campo, a journalist and commentator.

Some viewers with a long memory may recall Grace’s role in the Melinda Duckett case:

According to Wikipedia:


On Nov. 21, 2006, The Smoking Gun web site exposed pending litigation on behalf of the estate of Melinda Duckett, asserting a wrongful death claim against CNN and Grace. The attorney for the estate alleges that, even if Duckett did kill her own son, Grace's aggressive questioning traumatized Duckett so much that she committed suicide. She also argues that CNN's decision to air the interview after Duckett's suicide traumatized her family. Trenton, Duckett’s 2-year-old son, has never been found.

On Nov. 8, 2010, Grace reached a settlement with the estate of Melinda Duckett to create a $200,000 trust fund dedicated to locating Trenton. "We are pleased the lawsuit has been dismissed. The statement speaks for itself," a spokeswoman for CNN said.

--As mentioned in an earlier Popcorn column, another true-crime entry, “Calls from the Inside,” shows the Dumb Criminal Syndrome in full cry as the male or female inmate, though aware that all calls made or received In prison are recorded, make blatantly incriminating statements, often in totally transparent “code.”  Either that or discussing thinly veiled plans to eliminate someone, usually a witness or recently released jailhouse snitch. So those in search of comic relief and more than a few forehead slaps in the process of getting their True Crime fix would do well to check out “Calls From the Inside.”  It’s must-see TV for me.

--And, of course, no discourse on this phenomenon would be complete without mention of “Forensic Files,” a series (now including “Forensic Files II”) that is apparently nearly the sole raison d’etre of HLN, it on many days accounting for virtually 100 percent of the programming (save for a few of those all-important, revenue-raising infomercials).  The narration on all of the original series episodes was the redoubtable Peter Thomas, whose stentorian delivery was perfect for the “just the facts, ma’am” context of the proceedings. He was memorialized at the end of the first episode of Forensic Files II, which aired on February 23, 2020.

The guilt-or-innocence outcome is never in doubt on these “Files” shows as regular viewers know that these dedicated forensics experts and “scientists” always get their man, or in some rare cases, their woman, even if it involves a white-coated bent-to-the-task technician painstakingly sifting through a vacuum-cleaner bag with a tweezers in search of a suspected rapist’s pubic hair.  (Actual episode.)  I would not be surprised if said scientist, bent to this disgusting, tedious task, found himself saying, “I spent 7 years in college, and I’m going through a massive heap of trash looking for a rapist’s pubic hair? While my idiot brother-in-law with a GED is making almost as much money driving a damn beer truck?”

--And, of course, what genre wouldn’t be complete with a podcast equivalent, and true crime is well represented in that idiom. These often devolve more into conjecture and oddball theorizing and are less documentarian in nature.  Sort of macabre talk shows with titles like “True Crime Junkie,” “True Crime Garage,” “Someone Knows Something,” “Court Junkie,” “Scam Goddess,” “Case File,” “My Favorite Murder,” and many many more.

And now comes word from the Washington Post that—in the spirit of If You Can’t Beat ’Em, Join ’Em—“Dateline” has also joined the podcast parade, a gambit that has propelled its TV version to new heights.  See:  https://www.washingtonpost.com/style/media/2024/01/28/dateline-nbc-podcast-true-crime/

Is there such a thing as binge-listening? Probably, and for some folks it’s apparently a great way to--wait for it--kill time.

Friday, January 19, 2024

jimjustplaying

THE SOCRATIC METHOD?

As Socrates famously wrote, "The unexamined life is not worth living." One would well posit  that the unchallenged life is not worth living.  Or, if it is,  not as satisfying.

Most of my music-related activity since leaving the Air Force Band in late 1969 has been as an author and critic, my playing restricted solely to playing along with records at home.

Soloist Jim Szantor as lead alto David Bixler gives the cutoff on the final chord.

But that changed on Aug. 11 when I performed as a guest soloist on clarinet with the fabled Birch Creek Jazz Orchestra, a big band made up of some of the best jazz players in the country, comprising as they do the faculty that teaches the students who come to Egg Harbor in Door County for two-week sessions of intensive training and performance opportunities.  It's sort of a musical boot camp but with kindly but highly decorated instructors.  

My feature spot was "Ballad for Benny" a tune written by the late, great jazz composer and saxophonist Oliver Nelson, who was commissioned by Benny Goodman to write new material for the band's historic 1962 tour of the Soviet Union.   It was such a  significant cultural/political event back then that Walter Cronkite often led the CBS Nightly News with the band's latest exploits.

The 17-piece Birch Creek Jazz Orchestra prior to my introduction.


This tune was recorded by the Oliver Nelson Orchestra (with the great Phil Woods in a rare outing on clarinet instead of his usual lustrous alto sax) but never performed publicly in this country--till now.  If you do an internet search on some of the illustrious players in the band behind me --Dennis Mackrel, Clay Jenkins, Doug Stone, David Bixler, Tanya Darby, to name a few--you'll see why I'm so proud to have been selected to perform with them.


Part of the evening's program.
It was an oppressively muggy night (close to 100 percent humidity) in the un-air-conditioned hall, making intonation more of a challenge than usual. It took some months of chipping away at the rust that had accumulated over the years on my woodwind chops, but I was determined to have one last dance, so to speak, with the idiom that I have loved for a lifetime.  To paraphrase the late Karl Wallenda of the famed aerial troupe The Flying Wallendas, "Life is the bandstand.  The rest is just waiting."  

Luckily for me, the wait is over.



POPCORN

 By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life  

  • I was a teenage cobra-venom extractor.
  • Headline: “‘Barbie’ leads Golden Globes with nine nominations.” (Slap forehead here.)
  • I’m thinking if “Citizen Kane” came out today, it would probably be roundly ignored.  Such is the zeitgeist—the general intellectual, moral, and cultural climate of the era.
  • If a doll (Barbie) could become a movie, what about a column?  Yes, “Popcorn, the Movie,” starring Jim Szantor as himself and Anderson Cooper as one of his nerdy interns.  (I hope “Popcorn, The Movie” wouldn’t get a bad review in Rotten Tomatoes!)’
  • Green olives, bottles; black olives, cans. Discuss!
  • Finally, my favorite day of the year is imminent: Jan. 2!  Because from Black Friday on, for about six weeks, the default excuse for everything being delayed, mixed up or essentially in a stranglehold is  . . . “because of the holidays.” 
  • Thank God, this Bermuda Triangle-like period will be behind us.  It’s amazing how “the holidays” (which are in actuality just two days . . . and the first one a religious holiday with, alas, little if any religious activity or participation for most) can throw the world into a tizzy for about 30-40 days, depending on when Thanksgiving falls.  But we in America seemingly have an uncanny knack for bending and distorting everything out of shape—going over the top over one-day events like the Super Bowl and performers like Taylor Swift, the Poster Girl for Overrated Talent.
  • News item: “To help alleviate urgent scarcity in the drought-prone state, California will allow sewage waste to be recycled into drinking water.” (Looks like “The Hotel California” has become a flophouse!)
  • One of the best things you can say about a restaurant is: “Even their off days are pretty damned good!” (Kind of a lefthanded compliment, but, hey, in a day when fast-food workers are shot over a cold order of french fries, such a compliment would be lovingly embraced.)
  • All this talk about 2024 and straw polls! What do straws have to do with politics? Are people throwing straw hats into the ring now?  When did that start?
  • I'm nostalgic for the days when the magazines I subscribed to didn't come in plastic bags.
  • I’ve never seen a service animal that wasn’t doing an exemplary job. People? Not so much. But their devices are always working overtime.
  • There are no slacker service animals. They’re so skilled, gentle and dedicated that it can move you to tears. 
  • Headline: “UNLV gunman was a professor who had repeatedly applied for a job.”
  • Reaction: I think I’d be extremely nervous if I were in a position to hire or fire someone these days. It doesn’t have to be a “disgruntled ex-employee” who comes gunning for you, it could be the ne’er-do-well you chose not to hire who puts you in the grave.  An increasingly perilous position, for sure.
  • One of jimjustsaying’s favorite media euphemisms: “Indecent liberties.”  Favorite noun?  Debauchery.
  • Speaking of euphemisms: Prostitutes have now apparently been elevated to the ranks of “sex workers.”  (I doubt that the new nomenclature makes the VD and the omnipresent dangers disappear.) 
  • I’ve never been to Bangladesh, but my pants have.  And some of my shirts have been to Taiwan!  I’m a walking sartorial man of the world!
  • Memo to medical/dental receptionists: We don't need to be told "You can have a seat in the waiting room" after we've announced our presence and given you that most vital “date of birth and insurance card.” 
  • I think we know to do that!  What else are we going to do?  Glare down at you until our name is called?  Stand on our heads in the parking lot?  Twiddle our thumbs in the basement next to the water heater?  We know what those chairs are there for, so save your breath and stop insulting our intelligence! (And get some better magazines.)
  • jimjustsaying's Word That Doesn't Exist But Should of the Month—“Inelvitable.” n. The uncanny ability of a band in an old Elvis Presley movie to materialize out of nowhere whenever Elvis starts to sing.--"Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe," Rich Hall and Friends.
  • Does the White House have a West Room?  We're always hearing about the East Room, the Oval Office and the Rose Garden, so maybe the West Room is the . . . restroom? Which would explain why it doesn't get much press . . . and, I hope, never will.
  • I was born in Kenosha, Wis.  For those who don’t know, it’s in the far southeast corner of the state, on the Illinois border.  Or, as I call it, Baja Wisconsin.
  • Has anyone ever seen a sterling silver spork? I haven’t.  If they’re such a great idea, why do they only come in plastic? 
  • Any nutritionist will tell you that brown rice is far better for you than white rice, but try getting it in a Chinese restaurant!  They think you mean fried rice, which, of course, is simply white rice made even less nutritious with oil, soy sauce and whatever else. 
  • I’m also amazed that the number of restaurants that don’t have low-cal salad dressings.  How much would it cost them to have a bottle or two on hand?  (And they wonder why business isn’t very good. Hey, folks, it’s 2024.)
  • Hard to believe, but there are 38 ingredients in the salad croutons at McDonald’s.  And they’re just little pieces of toast!
  • Guys are lucky in many ways.  For one thing, we don’t have to have pap smears, probably because, through the grace of God, we don’t have any paps!
  • It would be interesting if a sports sideline reporter sought out a guy who didn't even play in the game and say:  "How did it feel to sit there and contribute exactly nothing today? Do you think you're going to be released?" How refreshing that would be instead of those gushy, cliched “interviews”!  (In bad taste but refreshing--sort of like the Popcorn column.  😊)
  • Who invents all those "As seen on TV" products," the majority of which get panned regularly in Consumer Reports and on many Internet sites?
  • Imagine seeing a headstone with your name on it saying, "Here lies the man who invented the RoboStir and the Ped Egg."
  • Speaking of inventors, George Devol was the inventor of the mechanical arm used as a prototype for assembly-line robots. Sounds fairly impressive. But he also invented a hot-dog cooker called the Speedy Weeny, which--I’m thinking—may well disqualify him for induction into the Inventors Hall of Fame.
  • When was the last time you saw a new funeral home being built?   With the population increase over the last decades, you'd think you would see a new construction occasionally.  Are the existing ones just busier or . . . . What am I missing here?
  • More cremations?  The funeral home process is still required in many if not most states. People living longer?  They still die eventually . . . and then there is the off-setting phenomenon of the growing number of young people dying of gang violence, drive-by shootings, drug overdoses and Covid. I’m sure fentanyl is probably becoming more and more of a major factor by the day.
  • DRUDGING AROUND: Sugar shortfall leaves candy-makers scrounging . . . 70-year-old woman gives birth to twins . . . Study: Bowl of yogurt a day keeps mood disorders away . . . Italy’s “most handsome man” quits modeling to become priest . . . Handcuffed and sent to ER for bad behavior:  Schools sending more students to hospital . . . With human brain, size isn’t everything . . . Cops putting trackers in packages to catch porch pirates . . . Woman shouts “Happy Holidays” while bear-spraying store employees . . . Self-checkout reversal growing . . . Plastic surgeons say more MEN requesting butt implants . . . Private members’ club for DOGS opens in LA . . . Half-male, half-female bird spotted by scientist . . . Baby “sucked up” in tornado miraculously found alive in a tree . . . Texas family awakens to find drunk driver passed out in bedroom  . . . and mangled SUV in front yard with dead passenger inside . . . Santa falls to his death during stunt gone wrong . . . Man assaulted for burping . . . Florida woman arrested after 309 animals seized from mobile home! . . . Season’s Beatings: Woman arrested for attacking man with Christmas tree.  (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his intrepid band of aggregators.)
  • jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that ‘rizz’ (n.) is the Oxford University Word of the Year?  It means charm, attractiveness, the ability to attract a romantic or sexual partner.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
  • Where does “rizz” come from? It’s Gen Z slang that’s probably short for “charisma.”  It won out—thank God—over “Swiftie” and two other words: “situationship” (an informal romantic or sexual relationship) and “prompt” (an instruction given to an artificial intelligence program).
  • Key Notes, Vehicle Division (from Quora):
  •  -­-"My cousin went to pick up family members at the airport. He gives the key to one of the younger cousins he was picking up and tells him, “It's the blue Datsun in such and such lane”. The kid goes down to the parking lot and finds two identical cars parked next to each other. He figures the key would only fit the correct one. First try, it worked. He drives up to the baggage claim, and when the guy who sent him sees the car, he exclaims, “That's not my car.”
  • --“I had a ‘61 Pontiac, and my trunk key would start my father-in-law’s ‘62 Pontiac!”
  • --"In the early ‘80s I had a ‘74 Maverick. I had a locking gas cap. That key fit my brother-in-law’s locking gas cap on his ‘77 Ford pickup.”
  • --"I recall many years ago that one company in particular had all trucks keyed the same. That way, if one driver locked his key in the truck, he only had to find another company driver to unlock it for him.”
  • --“Many municipalities have vehicles keyed alike. In the days of the Ford Crown Victoria police cruisers, all of our cruisers were keyed alike. We replaced a certain percentage of cruisers each year, and even the new ones were keyed the same as the old ones so, any Crown Vic in the fleet could be opened by the same key.”
  • Montana State of Mind: “In Montana, fame only counts for the first few minutes, then after that, you have to hold your own; Montanans don’t judge you on whether or not you’re famous, but on who you actually are.”--Longtime resident  (Probably not the Hollywood State of Mind.)
  • “The medical study will employ 10,000 mice as guinea pigs.”—“Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel
  • jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month (a word no normal person ever uses but is often encountered in newspaper headlines and stories): Travails.
  • Shouldn't public-service ads (or those tag lines at the end of beer commercials) say, "Please drive responsibly" instead of "Please drink responsibly"? If you're home alone, I don't much care if you drink irresponsibly (as long as you don't "drunk dial" me!).
  • Overheard: “The best way to truly surprise someone at a surprise party is to hold it a week late.”
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  Is est ferreus reor callidus editio ut reddo sulum mensis.  ("It's hard to think of a clever statement to translate every month.")

Special thanks to Al Jazeera, this month’s Popcorn intern