Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:
  • I don't think my chiropractor can help me anymore.  It only hurts when I contemplate the Cubs pitching staff for 2012.
  • Got your President's Day planned out yet?  I've been on record as advocating Vice President's Day.  You'd still have to go to work, but you wouldn't have to do anything. (And nobody would notice whether you were there or not.)
  • "I love constantly changing the ring tone on my iPhone, but I must pay the price of always grabbing my iPhone when it's someone else's that's actually ringing."--Zerbina in the "Ambiguous Disambiguation" (Feb. 3) episode of the "Zippy" cartoon by Bill Griffith.
  • Health Headline of the Month:  "Purple Potatoes Lower Blood Pressure in Overweight People."  Who knew?
  • Unintentional Obituary Humor Item of the Week: "David C----------, 53, of Mesa, Ariz., formerly of Kenosha, died from a motorcycle accident on Jan. 17, 2012, surrounded by his loving family. "  (I hope the family is recovering from any injuries they may have suffered.)--Kenosha (Wis.) News, Feb. 5, 2012
  • Speaking of accidents, what's with all these wrong-way highway crashes these days?  Seems like there is one a week somewhere, usually with multiple fatalities (usually in the car going the right way).  Maybe we ought to take another look at that signage.  (I know highway signs can be confusing at times, but . . . )
  • As someone who has been in a Starbucks only once, I'm wondering where this term "barista" came from?  Talk about glorification of the mundane!  Aren't these coffee-mixers/pourers the modern-day equivalent of the so-called "soda jerks"?  Just as "Human Rights counselors" used to be "personnel clerks."  (I'm just sayin'.)
  • TV commercials built around infants speaking with adult voices are almost as annoying as the ones in which the pitchmen (or pitchwomen) knock on the "inside" of the TV screen.
  • "We may find that fighting a war with Iran is like making love to a gorilla: You don't stop when you're done; you stop when the gorilla is done.--Steve Chapman in the Chicago Tribune.
  • (Trouble is, the gorilla's never done!)
  • Jim's Law of Hotel/Motel Quality:  The faster the room service trays are removed from the hallways, the better the hostelry.   (If you're a rat, you probably thinking just the opposite!)
  • Whatever happened to John Davidson? 
  • Next time a waiter asks if you want "ground pepper on your salad," tell him, "No, powdered saffron will suffice, thank you!"
  • Let's face it, bow ties aren't for everyone.  (So if your bowling team doesn't want to wear them, don't make an issue out of it.)
  • Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Batman."  As in Donald R. "Batman" Bastman, Kenosha (Wis.) News obituary, Jan. 18, 2012.
  • SZSEZ's Word You Rarely if Ever Hear Anymore Of the Week:  "Skulduggery."
  • Literary Note of the Week, Novel Excuse Dept.: The dog didn't eat John Steinbeck's homework, but it did, according to Wikipedia, eat the first draft of his renowned "Of Mice and Men."
  • Never make eye contact at a bar with people who look like they might want to talk.
  • People who wear Crocs outside the privacy of their own homes should begin immediate therapy.
  • Note to HLN's Nancy ("Bombshell tonight . . .") Grace: When everything is a "bombshell," then nothing is.  ("Bombshell tonight!  The sun is expected to rise in the east tomorrow.  Now let's unleash the lawyers . . . .")
  • The five best insights on Mitt Romney from Frank Rich's wonderful recent essay in New York magazine:
  • A focus-group participant told a pollster that Romney reminded him of the "dad who's never home."
  • "He may be a bore and a flip-flopper but he doesn't frighten the horses."
  • "Many who have known or worked with Romney view him as a man who sometimes seems to be looking not into your eyes but past them."
  • The answers to questions about Romney's career as a lay [Mormon] church official may tell us more about who he is than his record at Bain, his sparse tenure as governor or his tax returns."
  • "Romney has been trying since 1994 to formulate answers to questions about his Bain career, his vast wealth and his leadership role in his church.  If he hasn't found them by now, it's because he doesn't have them."
  • Thirty-third entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes: Kunesh, Wis. (R.I.P., Daniel E. Reitmeyer, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Feb. 1, 2012.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman and Readstown.
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  Si vos teneo adeo , quare pulvis vos uber? ("If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?")