Sunday, July 7, 2019


By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 
about the absurdities of contemporary life
  • I recently heard someone say, in response to a lame policy proposal: "That's like putting lipstick on a pig!"
  • Ergo, what shade of lipstick looks best on a pig?  (I'd go with a frosted purple, but, hey, that's just me.)
  • jimjustsaying's Favorite June Headline:  "More Labs Retiring Apes as Studies Finish"
  • (Does that mean that the Social Security Administration is going to run out of money even sooner?)
  • I was hoping President Trump would wear a camou tie for his July 4 Tank and Pony Show, but no such luck.   (I was also hoping for a rerun of "Picknicking with the Gingriches" to highlight my Independence Day television viewing, but there again, no such luck.)
  • No surprise that Mad Magazine finally gave up the ghost.  The world has gone madder and wackier to the point of almost being beyond satirization.   I'd prefer a saner society in which Mad would stand out and thrive, but not much chance of that anymore.  
  • I see where "Real Time" host Bill Maher has an ownership stake in the New York Mets.  No truth to the rumor that he's lobbying for a team made up entirely of left-handed pitchers and left-handed hitters.  
  • (Memo to Bill:  Your monologues would be just as funny without the "f-bombs" and the other vulgarities.  I guess "working clean" isn't hip and is therefore out of the question for some of these folks.  Another charming feature of cable TV.)
  • Drudging Around:  Gonorrhea May Be Transmitted Through Kissing . . . Couple Films Sex Tape in Driverless Tesla . . .  Average American Hasn't Made New Friend in 5 Years . . .  DIY Coffin Clubs Take Sting Out of Death . . . Cops:  Suspect Had 7 Syringes Hidden in Body Cavity . . . Frat Busted for "Hazing" Dog . . . Study:  Men Think About Sports More Than Sex! . . . Navy Releases Probe in "Sky Penis" Drawing . . . Chimpanzees Spotted Cracking Open Tortoises for Meat . . . Men:  Sex Dolls Way Better Than Women . . . Alabama Warns Drivers Not to Eat Chicken Tenders Spilled on Highway  . . . Rare Penny Found in Child's Lunch Money Could Auction for $1.7 million . . . Women Can't Hear Men's Voices Due to Rare Condition . . . Humans Wearing "Teledildonic" Suits Can Have Sex With Each Other Over the Internet.  (Thanks to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators for these entertaining morsels.)
  • "Anvils appear 1,000 percent more in cartoons than in real life."--Demetri Martin 
  • Redundancy Patrol:  "Each and every," "natural habitat," "end result," and a fairly new one that boggles the mind:  "price point."  What does "point" add that "price" doesn't already say?  
  • jimjustsaying's favorite Media Words (words you only encounter in print or electronic news media and never hear a real person use in everyday life):  Debauchery, retinue and gambit.
  • Do animals get their blood pressure taken?  Is high blood pressure a "silent killer" for them too?
  • James Woods on working with Robert De Niro and other Method actors:  
  • "It's just a bunch of old s---.  If it's a great script and you're working with good people, what's the problem?  I'm tired of the Actors Studio bull---- that has ruined movies for 40 years.  All these guys running around pretending they're turnips--they're so  annoying.  It's 4 a.m. and you're trying to get some shot done, and they're with a coach moaning about how they can't feel this, can't feel that.  Just say the lines and get on with it!"
  • Broadcast blather:  "We'll talk more about that 'on the other side of traffic.' "  Let's see: "On the other side of"--five words.  "After"--one word.  Do they get paid by the word?  
  • I keep reading and hearing more and more about celebrity chefs.   Celebrity  busboys?  Not so much.  That's next.
  • Memo to producers of newspaper advertising inserts:  “WOW! doesn’t work for me anymore next to a loss-leader price tag.  I think we’re all pretty much "WOWed out" by now.  (A recent insert for Walgreen’s had 36 WOW! items.  Enough already!)
  • Tell you what, advertisers:  Just tell me the product and the price, and I'll decide whether it's a WOW! for me or not.
  • (Better yet, why not come up with some more novel wording, something more attention-getting, such as:  HOLY SHIT!  Duracell AA's, 4 pack, 99 cents!!!" . . . Or, "JESUS H. CHRIST!  Snickers 2-pack, 89 cents!!! Now we're talkin' "grabbers," are we not?!)
  • Three things no one has ever had a craving for: Water chestnuts, bean sprouts and Worcestershire sauce.
  • There will never be a Richard Belzer Lookalike Contest.  (Love "The Belz," though.  He gets my vote for best comic/serious actor combo platter.)
  • My favorite all-time Ring Lardner line:  “Shut up,” he explained.
  • Would anyone be surprised if PETA objected to the rating of engines in horsepower?  Who knows, perhaps they already have! 
  • jimjustsaying's Catty Comment of the Month:  Barbra Streisand was recently quoted in the London Daily Mirror as saying she can't stand the sound of her own voice.  Really? What took her so long?
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  Ut res orator. ("That being said . . .")