Thursday, August 11, 2011


Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:
  • Wouldn't the economy be better off if we dealt with Standard & Rich?
  • I'm becoming quite the fashion plate in my old age.  In fact, I'm on the cover of next month's GQ--Geezer's Quarterly.
  • If you know the difference between white, off-white, sand, bone, tan, beige, stone, cream, ivory and ecru, you're a woman.
  • Whatever happened to  a., b., c. and d. coli?
  • Mary had a little lamb, but the insurance refused to pay!
  • Trend or fluke?  I must know 8 or 10 guys who are as masculine as all get-out--wouldn't call any of them "metrosexuals," whatever that is--but who aren't "into sports" in any way, shape or form.   And I'm  torn between lamenting it and applauding it.  Are counselors standing by?
  • “President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, and then Republicans cut everything else.”--"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon."
  • When the waitress tells you her name, are you supposed to tell her yours?  (Or   . . . if she doesn't, are you supposed to ask?)
  • SZSEZ's Stupid Actual Product Warning Label of the Week:  On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
  • Overheard:  "Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to make out the numbers."
  • Reality shows:  Programming that puts the "func" in dysfunctional.
  • Memo to ESPN:  We don't need a busy, sizzling rock beat behind those baseball highlights, what with one or two commentators weighing in with their badinage, the crowd noise and, quite often, the bleed-through of the actual game's play-by-play guy.  Sonic overload!   It's superfluous, distracting and annoying.  (And if the play is so perfunctory that someone thinks it needs quote-unquote "punching up," why show it in the first place?)
  • So stop it, ESPN, before SZSEZ wields its considerable worldwide clout and calls for a worldwide boycott.  Do you really want that?
  • Show me a photo of a dictator who isn't wearing sunglasses.  Not possible. (As we say in Standup Land, "What's up with that?")
  • Why do people in the movies always hear a dial tone when somebody hangs up on them when this never happens in real life? (A dial tone you can hear from across the room!  How does that happen?)
  • Words you see in print but never hear anyone use in real life:  "Turpitude," "pontiff" and "wizened."
  • I think my wife has a self-esteem problem.  She subscribes to Mediocre Homes and Gardens!
  • Jim's Time-saving Hint of the Week:  If you close all of the vents of your car but one and turn the fan to the highest setting, you can blow-dry your hair while you drive to work. (You're welcome!)
  • Given a choice between watching (any) infomercial and undergoing a root canal, I' m torn--I really am.
  • Has anyone ever seen a woman getting a shoeshine?
  • The most vulnerable period for a new shirt is the first three hours (two if it's light-colored).  Get past that, and you're home free in the stain department, my friend.
  • Voice of experience:  Every time I lend someone a book or a CD, I get the queasy feeling I'm seeing it for the last time.
  • Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Wildcat."  As in Dale "Wildcat" Netzer, late of Lena, Wis.  (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, July 15, 2011.)  R.I.P., Mr. Netzer.
  • In two more months you won't be able to find anybody who will admit to having voted for President Obama.
  • Jim's Book Title of the Week: "The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart (An Emotional and Spiritual Handbook)," by Daphne Rose Kingma.
  • Today's Latin lesson: Totus suspectus es insons insontis insquequo probo crimen in a villa of lex. ("All suspects are innocent until proved guilty in a court of law.")
* Now gluten-free by popular demand