Thursday, June 4, 2015


By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric, and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life  
  • Sorely needed:  An explanation of how 7 inches of rain can make a river rise 22 feet!
  • I'm willing to bet that many people who named their daughter Caitlyn are second-guessing that decision right now.
  • Sometimes I feel like a 100 percent- cotton guy in a Dacron/polyester world.  
  • (I wonder if anyone has ever named their daughter Polly Esther?)
  • Baseball players have it backwards:  Instead of planting shaving-cream pies on the faces of a game's pitching or hitting heroes or dumping liquids or chocolate syrup on them, they should be doing that to the goat--or goats.  (Better yet, how about a commissioner's edict to end these sophomoric displays?)
  • Sudden thought: What if they found out that an endangered animal was eating all the endangered plants?
  • Whatever happened to the so-called No-Call List?  There are so many exceptions, loopholes or scofflaws that its existence has become a sick joke.  (Whom do I call?  Is there anyone you can call?  Or are we No-Call List complainers on the No-Call List's No-Call list?)
  • In a PC-driven world in which you're not manic-depressive anymore, you're bipolar, and you're not retarded, you're developmentally disabled, it's time to expand the euphemistic nomenclature:
  • Serial killers?  Let's call them, er, "prolific demise facilitators."  So-and-so is a hit man?  No, he's  an "Eternal Reward concierge"!
  •  jimjustsaying's Tip o' the Week: Never play poker with a man named Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's--and never go shopping at a Shoppe.
  • What do Hillary Clinton and Dick Cheney have in common?  They are members of The Emil Verban Society, a "club" started by columnist George Will in honor of a Chicago Cubs infielder (1948-50) of no particular distinction. Others members are (or were) Barack Obama, Donald Rumsfeld, Pat Sajak, John Cusack, Jim Belushi--and Ronald Reagan.
  • Don't put your mouth where your money is..  According to a New York study, 3,000 types of bacteria were found on a dollar bill, one of them the kind that causes acne.
  • Workplace Woe:  When the boss you absolutely hate is on vacation the same time you are.
  • One sure way to deal with the brutal education budget cuts and keep good teachers teaching is to get the schools out of the food-service business!  
  • Breakfast and lunch at school?  Before you know it, they'll be serving dinner, Sunday brunch and midnight snacks!  The 3 R's apparently are reading, 'riting and restaurant!
  • Scofflaw Watch:   Aerial photographs revealed that estates owned by Barbara Streisand, Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West still boasted green lawns and lush gardens despite water restrictions imposed during the worst drought in California history.
  • There will never be a Bill Murray Look-Alike Contest.
  • Works for me:  A California DJ and entrepreneur is pushing a new line of clothing that will make celebrities  "invisible" to prying paparazzi, The Week reports.   Chris Holmes says his cutting-edge hoodies and scarves are made of "retro-reflective material" that becomes so bright when hit by a camera’s flashbulb that the photo is overexposed, and all other parts of the photo--including faces--come out dark. (As much as I take a dim view of most "celebrities," I take a dimmer view of their stalkers.)
  • "You're only young once, but you can be immature forever."--Former major-league pitcher Larry Andersen
  • An alleged bank robber is contending he didn’t commit a crime because he politely asked the teller for $150,000.  According to news reports, Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca used a note to rob a Virginia Beach bank, asking for money and saying he would "appreciate" if the teller didn’t sound the alarm.  The 23-year-old was quickly arrested but now insists that there was no robbery, since he didn’t use a weapon and didn’t threaten the teller.  "She could have said 'no,' " Alfonseca said, "and I could have left."
  • (I guess you could say . . . he was just sayin'.)
  • Any candidate for political office who promises to crack down on the widespread abuse of "handicapped parking spaces" has my vote!
  • Speaking of candidates:  "The joke circulates in Hollywood that Hillary Clinton is like Coca-Cola's Dasani Water:  She's got a great distribution system, but no one likes the taste."--Maureen Dowd,  New York Times
  • "The neurotic has problems; the psychotic has solutions."--Psychiatrist Thomas Szasz
  • Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week:  Omaha.  As in Howard "Omaha" Wolf, Door County Advocate obituary, May 27, 2015.  R.I.P., Mr. Wolf.
  • Glutetic Chair:  adj.  "A 20th Century design of chair found most often in movie theaters, the main feature of which is its ability to keep folding up underneath a person as he or she tries to force it down with his or her rear."--from "Sniglets," Rich Hall and Friends
  • Sixty-first Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary: Beaver, Wis.. (R.I.P., Terri Jo Bischof, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, April 30, 2015).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, Dunbar, Askeaton, Wild Rose. Neopit, Ellisville, Pickett, Flintville,  Forest Junction, Thiry Daems, Black Creek,  Mountain, Ledgeview, Lunds, Suring and Lakewood.
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  EGO sum rumex si I've ledo vos. ("I'm sorry if I've offended you.")