Thursday, July 26, 2018


By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life
  • I think Stormy could refer to both the porno actress in Donald Trump’s past and the state of his relationship with his wife.
  • And now there’s a former Playboy model in the picture.  Somehow I can almost hear Hillary cackling up a storm in the background.
  • I can't help myself.  I'm always drawn to the As Seen On TV product sections in any store that has one.  I mean, how can you pass up a Red Copper 5-Minute Chef or the Billy-Bob Instant Smile Comfort Fit Flex Cosmetic Teeth (One Size Fits Most, Comfortable Upper Veneer) or the the Spatty & Spatty Daddy Last Drop Spatula, two piece Set (6" and 12"), as seen on "Shark Tank"?  There's some stuff you simply can't pass up!                        
  • I don't care what anyone says:  We didn’t have school massacres every other week when Mister Rogers was alive.
  • “It is always a risk to speak to the press: They are likely to report what you say.”--Former Vice President Hubert Humphrey
  • Memo to TV weathercasters:  Why do you call rain “a rain event”?  Do I need a ticket? Will refreshments be served?  Are there guest speakers?  
  • Headline:  "Google to bring Dead Sea Scrolls to computer screens."  Reaction:  The scrolls will get about a thousandth as many "hits"--if that--as the next celebrity sex scandal.  (Odds of the Scrolls "going viral"?  Not good!)
  • jimjustsaying's Lifestyle Tip of the Week:  Never enter a relationship with someone who's just out of (or just going into!) the Federal Witness Protection Program!
  • Why do freight trains that derail always seem to be carrying deadly cyanide gas?  Doesn't the popcorn train ever derail? The paper towels train?  A blind man could be at the throttle of one of those trains, and nothing would ever happen! But put an ace conductor at the helm of the cyanide train and, five miles out, boom! It's uncanny.
  • You can tell you're an old-timer if you sometimes refer to a train as "the iron horse."
  • You know you’ve had too much to drink when you twist the cap off that last bottle of beer . . . and discover it wasn’t a twist-off-cap bottle of beer! 
  • I blindsided my dentist.  I saw her at the grocery store and asked, "Have we been flossing regularly?"
  • Sign on store counter: “Gift cards available—all denominations.”  Wow, how ecumenical!  Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, whatever . . . they will accommodate you.
  • Redundancy patrol:  "Continue on," "convicted felon," "pre-order."
  • Ever wonder how some of the “classic” TV shows of the past would have fared if remote controls had been around and there had been more than a hundred channel options back then?  (“ ‘Gilligan’s What’?  Never heard of it.”)
  • Being the coolest guy at the Senior Center is a lot like being the tallest midget in the circus  . . . or the skinniest kid at Fat Camp!
  • Every day I pray at least once to the Patron Saint of Comedy--Saint Shecky.  (Hallowed be his name.)
  • Recent fortune cookie message:  "A new pair of shoes will do you a world of good!" (Whew!  I'm glad my underwear passed muster!)
  • My favorite T-shirt message from the What on Earth catalog:
  • "I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do."
  • How come you never see anyone with a pencil behind his ear anymore?
  • If speed bumps are so effective in mall parking lots, why not put them on the highways?  That's where speed kills, not in front of the Wal-Mart!
  • (Speed limit signs don't slow down those idiots who pass you like you're standing still when you're doing 65, so we have to move on to Plan B--as in Bumps.  (As Larry King would say, you'll thank me later.)
  • Memo to lazy drivers in all kinds of weather:  Activating your turn signal halfway through a turn doesn't really help.  What's the point?  We already know you're turning!
  • Has anyone ever seen Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow in the same room?
  • There are two kinds of stores in America:  Those who hand you your coins and those who slide them down to you in a metal chute. 
  • (And clerks who hand you your coins, bills, receipt and coupons in one mishmashed tangled lump should be beaten over the head with one of those This Counter Closed signs!) Whatever happened to counting out change, coins and bill separately?  Do these people enjoy this treatment when they are on the other side of the counter? Do they do this in Japan?
  • Did you know that crossword puzzles are not found in Chinese or Japanese publications?  The nature of their languages makes such construction impossible. 
  • jimjustsaying's Translation Service:  Trattoria--the code word for "overpriced Italian restaurant."
  •  "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."--St. Augustine
  • Today’s Latin Lesson: Fines finium may adicio. ("Restrictions may apply.")