Saturday, August 21, 2021


                                                                 By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 
about the absurdities of contemporary life
  • I can’t make up my mind whether the My Pillow Guy is soft in the head or hard-headed!
  • I strongly suspect that people who are refusing to wear masks during the pandemic are probably the same people who routinely:
  • --Never return their shopping carts to the cart corral
  • --Never give you a courtesy wave when you let them into traffic
  • --Never let YOU into traffic
  • --Never flush the urinal in public men’s rooms
  • --Leave the fresh meat or dairy product they decided not to buy somewhere else in the store where it is sure to spoil or rot (and possibly wind up later in YOUR shopping cart).
  • --Think the express lane's "10 or 12 items" rule doesn't apply to them.
  • --Never clear their debris off the fast-food table
  • --If drive-through patrons, throw their fast-food debris out of the window somewhere.
  • --Merge onto highway traffic before the gore line (look it up!) allows
  • --Rarely if ever say “thank you” when you hold a door open for them.
  • --Flick their lit cigarettes out of the car window
  • --Consider red traffic lights as mere suggestions
  • --Routinely take up two parking spaces
  • --Do any other things you consider impolite, inconsiderate or downright disgusting!
  • If guilty, please don a mask, if only to conceal your identity (such as it is) and consider mending your ways! (And many of those who refuse to get vaccinated probably are guilty of the same misbehavior.)
  • Jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Week: “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that the Centers for Disease Control’s original name was the Office of Malaria Control in War Areas?”
  • Seems like every time I go to the grocery store, I see a variety of apple I've never seen before and no one I know has ever heard of. Believe it or not, there is variety of apple called Jazz. (No Rhythm and Blues apple as yet, apparently.)
  • Speaking of groceries, science has finally backed up my contention that bacon is the asbestos of the food world.
  • Bacon, ham and sausages rank alongside cigarettes as a major cause of cancer, the World Health Organization has said, placing cured and processed meats in the same category as asbestos, alcohol, arsenic and tobacco.
  • Ahem.
  • Exaggeration we could do without: “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
  • This Victorian-era idiom (according to Rick Shaw, my research intern), is used to describe a heavy downpour, but the origin is just as cloudy as the sky before a storm. One possible theory relates to poor sewer drainage surfacing deceased animals when water overflowed, giving the impression of pets that had fallen from the sky. There are plenty of other theories, including one that suggests it's an evolution of the archaic French word for waterfall, “catadupe.”
  • Another exaggeration we could do without: “The phones were ringing off the hook.” I doubt this ever happened even when phones DID have hooks. What would be the “smart” phone equivalent? “The phone sprang out of my pocket?”
  • Speaking of inaccurate, outmoded phrases: Next time you sign on the proverbial "dotted line," chances are the line won't be dotted. Very few are. (And chances are your name isn't John Hancock, either.)
  • Man is not a rational animal; he is a rationalizing animal.”--Robert Heinlein, quoted in
  • Drudging Around: Naked Florida woman busted for skinny-dipping in stranger’s pool . . . For first time ever, scientists witness chimps killing gorillas . . . UPDATE: Top Catholic Church official resigns after report linking him to gay bars . . . Pastor gave meth to teen girl, then raped her . . . Positive man disguises as fly in order to fly . . . German experiment placed foster children with pedophiles . . . Woman accused of shooting neighbor’s cat with crossbow . . . Amateur surgeon: Man, 76, admits home castration. Once performed procedure in room at La Quinta Inn . . . Doctor accused of sacrificing animals for “Santeria” witchcraft. . . Toddler survives three nights in forest with bears and wolves. (Thanks as always for Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators for this month’s forehead slappers.)
  • Jimjustsaying’s Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: "Schillbones.” As in Stephen “Schillbones” Schill, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Aug. 15, 2021. R.I.P., Mr. Schill.
  • Donald Trump, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz and former Trump adviser Stephen Miller: Four men who have accomplished the impossible: Making Newt Gingrich look good! (Come back, Newt--all is forgiven!)
  • I’m always amused when someone (usually a celebrity) claims they "don't know how to drive." As if driving a car is the equivalent of flying a Boeing 707 or a NASA space ship. Perhaps we should be grateful that those folks are not on the road along with the people who really don't know how to drive but are doing it anyway.
  • Why is Bluetooth so-called? Why "blue"? And what does a "tooth" have to do with whatever Bluetooth does? If the connection is supposed to be obvious, it has surely eluded me.
  • Turns out it really isn't obvious, because Bluetooth is said to be named after King Harald Bluetooth (910–985), credited with uniting Denmark and Norway, as Bluetooth technology unifies the telecommunications and computing industries."
  • Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become."--Mary McGrory
  • Jimjustsaying's Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: "Schlitzstop." The one player in amateur softball games who always thinks he can handle his position and a can of beer at the same time."--"Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe," Rich Hall & Friends
  • "Saturday Night Live" had it right. Have you ever seen Bernie Sanders and Larry David in the same room?
  • Whatever happened to Yakov Smirnoff?
  • "I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just an, 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there' sign."—Mitch Hedberg
  • Today's Latin lesson: Nusquam video vidi visum hic, populus, iustus eo. ("Nothing to see here, folks, just move along.")