POPCORN

                                    BY JIM SZANTOR

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric 

and whimsical observations about

 the absurdities of contemporary life

*************************************************************************

--I was a teenage Chippendale dancer.

---What if they found out that an endangered animal was eating all the endangered plants?

--August is upon us once again--the only month without a holiday or special commemorative day of any sort.  (Go ahead, check your calendars.)  You won't find anything--no fringe holidays like President's Day, no "Hallmark holidays" like Mother's or Father's Days, no religious holidays, not even a Secretary's Day.

That's why August would be perfect for one of my pet projects--Turnabout Day (as in “turnabout is fair play”).

What would happen on Turnabout Day?  Simply this:  Sometime during the month—and you could pick your own day--your doctor would have to get naked in front of you . . . and your accountant and/or broker would have to show you his or her tax return! 

(The goal here is to correct the power imbalance endemic to those relationships: They know things about you that you don't know about them, hence the undeniably universal need for such an observance.) 

--Fish is the only food that smells spoiled even when it isn’t.

--As if energy drinks weren't enough, now I've spotted (at Walgreens) Rush High-Power Lip Balm.  With "caffeine, taurine and B-12."  What, no steroid deodorant?  No atomic nasal spray?  No nuclear-powered suppositories? Stay tuned.

(And now my wife calls my attention to Skin Renew, "the first 2-in-1 eye roller.  Refreshing eye care with caffeine.")

--Time to redraw some of the rules . . . or add some The Framers forgot?  Such as age limits for running for president (not addressed) and ending lifetime appointments to the Supreme Court? 

(The former is less of an issue now that Mr. Biden is stepping aside, but it could be another cause célèbre sometime in the future.)

--And then there’s voting, especially presidential elections. Find a person who doesn’t think it would be better to do it on a Sunday or make it a national holiday. If Martin Luther King Day and President’s Day are national holidays, why do we have to squeeze the most important quadrennial event into a workday?

All these practical ideas . . . that nobody really opposes . . . yet nothing is done.   Maddening.  And of course we’ll be phasing out the penny any day now—something that has been on the drawing board for at least 30 years.

--There’s no such thing as a “clean bill of health.”  Everybody’s got something. 

 --jimjustsaying’s lament about the migrant issue:  Total tab of the futile war with Afghanistan:  $213.3 BILLION.

 If the U.S. had spent half of that revamping Mexico and Central America, people would be trying to get INTO those countries instead of risking their lives to get out of them and there would be no border issue, no busloads of migrants causing turmoil for everyone from police to merchants to ordinary citizens in urban areas.   Thanks, political decisionmakers and the military/industrial complex!

--For baseball fans only: Tommy John should get a royalty every time "Tommy John surgery" is mentioned or performed.

(You know you're way down on the organizational depth chart when the team has your Tommy John surgery  . . . performed by Tommy John!)

--Please, somebody . . . let’s return the Olympics to what they originally were—sports competition—and weed out what I regard as activities.  Did they have beach volleyball and ice dancing at the Original Games in 5^th Century BC?

 Every time I tuned in—and that wasn’t very often—it looked like I was watching a rerun of “Dancing with the Stars”!

 The original Games consisted of 43 events covering athletics (track and field), cycling, swimming, gymnastics, weightlifting, wrestling, fencing, shooting and tennis.  Nine sports, that’s all. If they want to have an event featuring all of these showbizzy activities, fine and dandy.  Just don’t call it The Olympics.

(And would gymnastics be as popular if the participants had to wear slacks instead of those sequined, skimpy outfits?  No; the lecher demographic—to name one--would be largely absent.)

--Why do people post signs saying "Garage Sale" when they're selling just about everything but the garage?  Ditto "Yard Sale."  The yard is not for sale!  (But I guess "Family Discards Sale" probably wouldn't net much business.)

--The Sexual Revolution evolves:

--2019 was the start of the "hot girl summer," coined by Megan Thee Stallion in her hit single of the same name. Five years later, we’ve entered the era of a "boysober summer." 

Single women have hopped on a new trend of abstaining from any romantic or sexual relationships with men, including dating and casual hookups. Therapists say the emergence of the boysober movement is indicative of a greater trend of young women taking a step back from sex and relationships and puts a new spin on voluntary celibacy. 

--Ever wonder how some of the “classic” TV shows of the past would have fared if remote controls had been around and there had been more than a hundred channel options? 

 (“ ‘Gilligan’s What’? ‘Leave it to Who’? Never heard of ‘em!)

Speaking of television, I’ve been watching a lot of baseball this summer.  (Otherwise, as you probably know by now, I'm usually reading Homer in the original Greek!)

--Baseball should have a Hall of Moments for guys like John Paciorek.  He played just one game in the major leagues (Houston Colt 45s, 1963), but he went 3 for 3, scored 4 runs, drove in 3 runs and also walked twice.  (Other than that, as the late Chicago broadcaster Jack Brickhouse would have said, “He didn't do a thing!”)

Why just a one-game career?  He had a bad back, but his day--literally--in the sun is the envy of all who never got even that far.  That is, the rest of us.

(And always remember, sports fans:  Chances are, the star of today's game could well be the assistant bullpen coach of tomorrow!)

--Redundancy patrol: "Separate out," "blend together," "Sahara desert."

jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month: “Say [actual partygoer-s name here], did you know that Kitti’s Hog-Nosed Bat, which lives only in Southeast Asia, is the smallest living mammal--less than three-centimeters long and under two grams?”  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but chances are you weren’t going to be the life of the party anyway!)

DRUDGING AROUND: AA flight makes emergency landing after passenger exposes self, urinates in aisle . . . Poisons in paradise: How Mexicans target Hawaii with meth, fentanyl . . . AI-powered vending machines selling bullets . . . Middle-schoolers create fake Tiktok accounts impersonating teachers! . . . AI to decode what dog barks mean . . . New Abraham Lincoln documentary suggests ex-president had secret, gay sex life . . . Extreme eater dies during livestream after 10-hour food binge . . . America running out of generic drugmakers . . . Heat waves make mental problems worse . . . Transplant breakthrough as human receives titanium heart for first time . . . Lost dog survived in the woods for two months: “She defied the odds!” . . . Research makes frightening find about women who don’t have sex often . . . Tech’s grip on modern life pushing us down a rabbit hole . . . SHOCK STUDY:  Young-onset dementia far more common than realized . . . Brides having brunch weddings, midweek nuptials and selling tickets to save money . . . EVs may be extinct sooner than you think . . . Antarctic temps soar 50 degrees above normal in long-lasting heatwave . . . Forget snubbing sugar: New tech makes it healthier instead . . . Why are Americans suddenly snubbing McDonald’s and Starbucks?  . . . Taco Bell to roll out AI drive-thru.  (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)

--There will never be a James Carville Lookalike Contest.

--"There are many more Italian-American CPAs than hit men, not that I want to watch a cable TV series about accountants."—Author Bill Tonelli to Tom Santopietro, author of "The Godfather Effect," in the Wall Street Journal.

--Work Ethic Shocker:

If you're wondering why America is losing jobs, consider this from a New York Times article about why Apple does so much of its manufacturing in China:

1.   "Apple redesigned the iPhone’s screen at the last minute, forcing an assembly-line overhaul. New screens began arriving at the [Chinese] plant near midnight. 

2.    "A foreman immediately roused 8,000 workers inside the company’s dormitories, according to the executive. Each employee was given a biscuit and a cup of tea, guided to a workstation and within half an hour started a 12-hour shift fitting glass screens into beveled frames.

3.   "Within 96 hours, the plant was producing over 10,000 iPhones a day. ‘The speed and flexibility is breathtaking,’ the executive said. "There’s no American plant that can match that." 

Exactly.  America has become the land OF "DEBBIE HAS TO GO ON HER BREAK NOW" (after putting in a grueling two hours at the checkout counter).  China is the land of people working 12-hour shifts at a moment's notice.  (Two ends of a ludicrous extreme, methinks.)

--"99.99 percent of all castles in America are located in fish tanks."--Demetri Martin

--More Demetri: “I used to play sports.  Then I realized that you can actually buy trophies.  Now I’m good at everything.”

--I love it when foodies and restaurant critics call an establishment "a destination restaurant."  As opposed to--what?--the company lunchroom?  A place you were taken to at gunpoint?  A place you know is lousy but go to anyway because it's nearby?

--I'll believe in Ride-Sharing Programs when the governor’s or the president's limos start participating.

--When did everybody start saying, "Having said that . . ." or "That being said . . . "?  Those are what are known as "verbal tics." (Does Raid make a Verbal Tic Spray? Some people  would go through several cans a day!)

--Attention Wisconsin hunters: Sept. 18 marks the start of Ruffed Grouse hunting season in Zone A (wherever that is).  (Ruffed, not ruffled!)  According to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, the ruffed grouse population appears to be on the downward side of its 10-year cycle.  (I wish I could say I saw that coming, but I'd be lying. I can’t stay on top of everything!)

Today's Latin lesson: Ut res orator. ("That being said . . .")

And lastly:

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THIS TIRED RHETORICAL DEVICE! 

"That sound you heard? That was a nation exhaling . . . . "--New York Post

  "That sound you heard around the Chicago area late Sunday was probably people . . . ." --Chicago Tribune 

"That thud you heard Thursday night was the rating for Game 1 of the NBA Finals hitting bottom, at least locally.”-- Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

"That sound you heard was a few thousand reporters - - - -ting bricks . . . ."--Village Voice

"That sound you heard off in the distance Sunday night was the Cardinals blowing another late lead.”—St. Louis Post-Dispatch

“That sound you just heard was Balloon Boy's dad smacking his head and saying, ‘Why didn't I think of this?!’ "--Chicago Sun-Times

“That noise you hear is a drum roll emanating from New York . . . .”--Chicago Tribune

 "That sound you heard over the weekend was the Lions’ alarm clock going off in Corpus Christi . . . .  "--Hammond (La.) Star

"That sound you heard was the Suns sucking against the Boston Celtics . . . ."--Phoenix New Times

"That sound you heard was the lovely yet formidable Marcia rolling her eyes . . . ."--Flint (Mich.) Journal

"That sound you heard falling and crashing Friday night at Columbus State was the sound of  . . . ."--Albany (Ga.) Herald

"That sound you heard is the Dolphins fans' collective testicles retracting into their bodies . . . ."--Miami New Times

"That sound you heard last Monday morning was . . . ."--Boston SportsMedia.com

(DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING?  NEITHER DID I! BUT CHANCES ARE YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS PIECE OF HACKNEYED VERBIAGE FOR THE LAST TIME.  A HERD MENTALITY IN THE MEDIA?  NAHHHH.) 

POPCORN

                                                              By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric 

and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life 

--I was a teenage paleontologist.

--I’m trying to trace my family’s roots, but I’m a bit puzzled.  I mean, where is Caucasia anyway?

--Overheard: "People call Americans lazy. We're NOT lazy, We've only been in this country for 300 years, but we built nuclear weapons plants, malls, factories, fast food, the iPhone . . .  We're not lazy--we're done." 

--Politicians talk and talk and posture and promise, but when the smoke clears, the dirty dishes are still in the sink.

--Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the location.

--jimjustsaying's Term That Doesn't Exist But Should of the Month: “Sudsorian Calendar.”  n. The calendar used on soap operas that allows one day's events to be stretched over a three-week period.--"Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe," Rich Hall and Friends

--Morning in America:  Church attendance is way down, the prison population is way up  . . . and people are still sneaking into the Express Lane with more than 12 items. (Which of these problems is easiest to fix? Not so sure it would be the third one.)

--jimjustsaying's Product of the Month (from the Make Life Easier catalog):  Birdbath Protector, which uses "natural plant enzymes to break down organic contaminants. . . . Birds will love it . . . and so will you. So go green and keep your birdbath clean!"  (Just the thing for that hard-to-shop-for person on everyone's Christmas gift list.)

--Redundancy patrol: “Collaborate together,” "continue on,"

"see what happens in the future."

--What's the difference between a proverb, an axiom and an adage?

--What do butterflies get when they're nervous?  Gorillas?

--Why do we keep naming sports teams after the same animals--lions, tigers, wolves, eagles, bears . . . .? Show me a team that calls itself the Rhesus Monkeys or the Gaboon Vipers and they've got themselves a season ticketholder for life!

--If you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all."--College dorm graffito.

--"I'm sorry my karma ran over your dogma."--Pizza parlor graffito, Berkeley, Cal.

--Never trust a man with a pocket watch, an ascot or a manicure.  Especially if he's carrying a "man bag."

--So it turned out some of Subway's foot-longs aren't really a foot long.   I guess someone outed them to the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Sandwiches

--Art-ifacts:  In the early 20th Century, the "Mona Lisa" was receiving so much fan mail that it had its own mailbox at the Louvre.

--If a cow could laugh, would milk come out its nose?  (Probably not--unless it was a horse laugh.)

--Remember when you went to buy orange juice and didn’t have 37 choices confronting you?  Lots of Pulp, Some Pulp, No Pulp, From Concentrate, Not From Concentrate, Fortified with Calcium, Fortified with Vitamins D and E, Low Acid and more. (Not labeled just yet: Toxic and Non-Toxic!)

--Do they sell Quilted Southern toilet paper in Florida, Alabama, Mississippi . . .?

--"Wanting to meet an author because you like his books is like wanting to meet a duck because you like pate."--Margaret Atwood, quoted in NYTimes.com.

--Cultural note:  I did a double-take when I skimmed the concert listings in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and saw The Milwaukee Symphony was going to play the music of Led Zeppelin.  What's next: "The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band Plays Rachmaninov . . . "?

--Musical note:  Tennessee has eight--count 'em--Official State Songs.  New Jersey?  None.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)

--She said it: "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep.  That's deep enough.  What do you want, an adorable pancreas?--Author Jean Kerr to the Columbia, Mo., Daily Tribune

--He said it: “It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear."--Dick Cavett

--“The motorcycle driver was transferred to Hartford Hospital because of the need for brain specialists. Authorities said he had a severed head injury.”—Hartford (Conn.) Courant via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel

--Another sign of Profit First, Customers Last:  Parking lots that are about five years overdue for re-striping of boundary lines. 

--Faded Words: "riffraff," "skedaddle" and "shindig."

--Waiter: "Ground pepper on your salad?"  Me: "No, but I wouldn't mind a little more rata in my touille."

DRUDGING AROUND:  Scientists accidentally created a six-legged mouse with no genitals . . . Futuristic car where drivers SLEEP while driving . . . Farmers dump sheep killed by wolves in front of Swiss government building . . . Chipotle worker shot in guacamole dispute . . . New Yorkers turn to self-defense classes as punching attacks continue . . . Six-legged gazelle spotted in Holy Land . . . Teen girls confront deepfake nudes in schools . . . Man commits suicide by snake after having his deadly cobra bite him . . . Apple Vision users suffer black eyes, headaches and neck pain . . . Priest jailed after man collapses after too many erectile drugs at cleric’s sex party . . . Flight diverted after dog poops in first-class aisle . . . With pets becoming family, bereavement leave gains steam . . . Why Ozempic could change whole personality:  “May warp brain” . . . Woman calls 911 over buying bad batch of meth . . . Feminism has left middle-aged women single, childless and  depressed . . . Why lesbians women die younger than straight women.  (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)

--Is it just me or are magazines getting more and more impossible to read?  You've seen it--microscopic, light-shaded type--often on pale/pastel backgrounds, surrounded by oceans of white space that could be better utilized to enlarge the type and enhance readability.  And who needs full-page head shots of people we've seen dozens of times?  Why not use that space to make the words you're so proud of actually readable?

--Adage updated: It's the gift that counts.

--Three fruits most people have never eaten:  Persimmons, guavas and kumquats.

--Is there low-fructose corn syrup?  If not, the world is waiting.

--The illiterate of the 21^st Century will not be those who cannot read and write.  It will be those who cannot learn, unlearn and re-learn.”--Alvin Toffler in “Future Shock.”

--It’s a tossup as to who gets lied to the most—doctors or policemen.  (“Yeah, doc, I have a drink once in a while before dinner, but that’s about it.” “No, officer, there’s nothing in the car you need to be concerned about.”)

--Nature can be cruel (or Life Isn't Fair, Exhibit No. 292):  People can eat dog food and live to tell about it; chocolate can be fatal to dogs. 

--Speaking of Man’s Best Friend:: TV news reporter gaffe (Lifetime Achievement Award):  "At that point, police decided to bring in canine dogs to help locate the suspect . . . ."

--Health term of the week: We’ve all heard of GERD, but now there’s NERD (Non-erosive reflux disease): Chronic heartburn with no evidence of acid damage in the esophagus.

--Snack food product that doesn't exist but some day probably will:  Dorachos.

RHETORICAL SPRING CLEANING

I thought I would try to exorcise all of the demonic cliches, vogue phrases and shopworn metaphors, etc., that somehow lie deep within me or are virtually unavoidable on- or offline or wherever and get them out of my system with the following three paragraphs in hopes that my literary house will be blessedly in order for the rest of the year.

Let’s talk turkey and get down to brass tacks--it’s a jungle out there, and it’s time to grab the bull by the horns. We’ve got a lot on our plates because the movers and shakers keep moving the goal posts instead of leveling the playing field, while the rest of us are forced to employ a multitasking mind-set while fighting a never-ending learning curve, no matter how much we ramp things up to the next level. So all we can do going forward is hit the ground running, play hardball when we have to step up to the plate, and at the end of the day, pick all the low-hanging fruit—even if it isn’t apples to apples.

Before we try reinventing the wheel, we’ve got to eyeball our optics to see where the rubber meets the road, no matter what the price point is—assuming we’re all on the same page. We’ve got to build a better mousetrap, or we’ll be behind the 8-ball. If we think Plan A is actionable, we can run it up the flagpole and see if the target demographic salutes—if it really moves the needle. If it does, we can put a pin in it. It could be a paradigm shift, and it’s definitelyin our wheelhouse.

Let's face it, the fat cats have us on a market-driven roller-coaster, no matter how much they try to downsize the elephant in the room. So let’s cut to the chase, push the envelope, peel back the layers of the onion, and before the whole ball of wax reaches critical mass, take stock of all the benchmarks, the Big Picture, the whole enchilada and come to the realization that we might have to go back to the drawing board, get granular and think outside the box. But if we play our cards right, burn our candles at both ends and avoid drinking the Kool-Aid, we can get all our ducks in a row. The bottom line? It is what it is!

There, I feel better already. I promise I’ll do my best to keep my prose nose clean, which is not easy, because--after all--the devil is in the details.

--Today's Latin lesson:  Is dico may exsisto recorded pro palaestra voluntas.  ("This call may be recorded for training purposes.")

Special thanks to Joy DeVive, this month’s Popcorn intern.

 

POPCORN

    By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life  

I was a teenage forensic blood-splatter expert.

Why is the Mute button always in a different place on every remote control?

“The murals in restaurants are usually on a par with the food in art galleries.”--Peter DeVries

Wedding Gift Registries 2023:

With the cost of buying a home at historic highs, more couples are asking for help with a down payment as a wedding gift, Axios' Shauneen Miranda writes.  (Slap forehead here!)

The share of couples who include "home funds" in their wedding registry has increased by 55% since 2018, according to the wedding planning and registry website The Knot. (Get the feeling that the sales of air fryers just started to drop?)

Bumper sticker: “Lawyers have feelings, too.  Allegedly.”

“Everything is about to change faster than many want or feel capable of matching. All of us will need to grow more comfortable with an up-tempo, improvisational dimension to work and life.”—Sam Altman, CEO and co-founder of OpenAI.

(The world is moving so fast these days, very few people can remember more than three sex scandals ago.)

Being retired and someone who doesn’t operate heavy machinery, I have no interest in those cold and flu remedies touted as a “New Non-drowsy Formula.”  When I’m hacking, retching, sweating, chilling, hurting, heaving, sneezing and wheezing, drowsy is good; I crave drowsy.  So forget your new non-drowsy formula, drug manufacturers; where’s the “three-day-coma, wake-me-when-it’s-over formula”?  That’s what I want.

jimjustsaying’s Air Freshener Scent of the Month:  Poo-Pouri. Runner-up:  Serene Vanilla Sunrise. (I’m just going by the names; I have no idea what they smell like . . . and not sure I want to know.)

Now that I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin, it's getting more wrinkled by the day.

jimjustsaying's Coinage of the Month:  Mediarrhea. n. The unending onslaught of news stories (and instant updates of same), op-ed columns, interesting news and feature stories, magazine articles, talk-show jokes, movies, "webisodes," webinars, albums, books, web comics, podcasts, video games, and whatever else spews forth from Twitter/X feeds, Tumblr, Instagram, Reddit AMA, You Tube and myriad other stuff like click-bait that no one can possibly keep up with.

Three bad ideas for a business:  Just Cuff Links, Just Cummerbunds, Just Shoelaces.

"Breeds" of Dogs I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw Them Listed in a Newspaper Ad:  the Affenpoo (half poodle and half Affenpinscher), the Pomachon (a mix of the Pomeranian and the Bichon Frise) and the Whoodle (a cross between the soft-coated Wheaten terrier and the poodle).  

Speaking of animals: "They’re all home-grown coyotes, all born and bred in Chicago.”--A wildlife biologist on the growing numbers of that particular animal downtown. 

jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: Umbilinkus.  n. The tiny appendage at the end of a link sausage.--"More Sniglets," Rich Hall & Friends

I know a guy so bored he reads all his Junk Mail word for word.

jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:  "Say [partygoer’s name here], did you know that every 1-cent increase in the cost a gallon of gas takes $1 billion of consumer spending away from other goods in the course of a year, according to Credit Suisse bank analysis?" (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but it’s here if you need it.)

“The shortest version of Jewish history goes like this: They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!”—Dr. Henry Abramson on YouTube

Pop Culture Quiz I: What do ABBA, Paul Anka, Jimmy Buffett, Patsy Cline, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Dion, the Drifters, Hall & Oates, Jefferson Airplane, Journey, Moody Blues, Steve Miller Band, the O'Jays, Buck Owens, Jim Reeves, the Righteous Brothers, the Ventures and Bobby Vinton have in common? 

Answer:  Despite their scores of hits--some of them megahits--none of these artists or groups ever won a Grammy, according to Mr. Music (aka Jerry Osborne).

Pop Culture Quiz II: What do Steve Allen, Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Lenny Bruce, actor Robert Pastorelli and mega-producer Don Simpson all have in common?  Answer: They all died on the toilet.

“Lord, give me chastity and self-control--but not yet.”—St. Augustine

jimjustsaying’s winter book-reading suggestions:  "The Ultimate Guide to Butchering Deer," by John Weiss; and “The Wisconsin Road Guide to Gangster Hot Spots," by Chad Lewis.  (So many must-reads, so little time! But you’ll thank me later.)

DRUDGING AROUND:  As antisemitism threat rises, South Florida’s Jews arm themselves . . . Florida pastor accused of using belt on students at private religious school . . . Alabama mayor kills self after blog outs his cross-dressing . . . Author comes out as trans MAN after spouse comes out as trans WOMAN . . . China’s animal lovers fight illegal cat meat trade . . . Chicago so unpleasant that migrants are fleeing back to Venezuela . . . 40% of Americans afraid to walk alone at night . . . Men benefit most from looks, not women . . . Army invites back soldiers discharged for refusing vax . . . Survey:  43% of Americans frequently constipated . . . Hospital guard had sex with 79-year-old woman in morgue freezer, cops charge  . . . Half of companies to ax degree requirements.  (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his intrepid band of aggregators.)

Attending an NBA game could cost you a lot more this year — especially if you're a Knicks fan, Axios' Analis Bailey writes.

A family of four will spend, on average, $304.64 for four of the cheapest available tickets, a parking spot, two beers, two sodas and four hot dogs.

New York Knicks games are the priciest in the country at $745.18. Seeing the Charlotte Hornets will cost $158.72.

Do people still buy perfume or cologne?  If so, why?  All you have to do is subscribe to a magazine or have a charge account at a department store, and you’ll get all the scent products you want absolutely free.  You don’t have to have a perfume or cologne budget; all you need is a mailbox.

(What are you wearing, dear?  Is that Polo Musk?  No, It’s Vanity Fair, September issue!)

About political poll accuracy (oxymoron?), now that we’re already ankle deep in that dreaded season: 

Mitt Romney was so sure he would be elected the nation’s 45th president in 2012 that he ordered a fireworks display to be unleashed over Boston Harbor the moment he notched his 270th electoral vote.  Internal surveys gave him a consistent lead over President Obama, and so did several outside pollsters, including venerable Gallup 

What went wrong?  Gallup’s post-mortem found it had misidentified likely voters, under-counted Democratic-leaning regions, over-counted whites, and when calling landlines dialed only listed numbers, which skewed older and Republican. 

All-time-great howler from the Indianapolis Star (courtesy of the Columbia Journalism Review):  "Jazz tunes, including 'Modern Leaves’ and 'The Girl With Emphysema,' ended at 8:30 p.m. when the jazz trio packed up."

What if some of the horror film stars of yesteryear had had their own talk shows?  "It's Late Night with Bela Lugosi . . . ."  (THE TIME SLOT HE WAS BORN TO HAVE!)

Sample Lugosi monologue joke  . . . could have gone  . . . something like this: “Whoa, it was so hot in L.A. today, the bats flew INTO hell to cool off!  Whew!”

"The sewer expansion project is near completion, but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.--Jacksonville (Fla.) Times-Union, via "Still More Press Boners," by Earle Tempel.

Message to Big Pharma, whose latest obsession seems to be selling testosterone-boosting products to any male over age 10:  Aging is not a disease, it's a process.  If aging is a disease, then infancy is a disease.

It could be argued that eating a hamburger with onions is—dare I say it?—an antisocial act.  My hamburger with tomato and pickles flies under the radar, even in close quarters.  Someone eating one loaded with onions in whatever form?  He or she is, in effect, broadcasting with appallingly broad bandwidth, callously indifferent to the consequences!

jimjustsaying’s Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month:  Chum.  As in, LaVerne “Chum” O’Connor, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Sept. 3, 2023.

This Christmas season I'm going to SEND a calendar to every insurance agent and real-estate person I know (just to see if they have a sense of humor).  Watch this space for reports of reactions.

I've been on a health kick, but maybe too much so.  I was looking for a decaffeinated coffee table.

jimjustsaying’s Semi-Risque Joke of the Month: Two young lovers were messing around in the car. She asks “Would you like to get in the back seat?” His response: “No, I’d rather stay up here with you.”

TODAY'S LATIN LESSON:  Oh meus Deus, quam did ut invado illic? ("Oh my God, how did that get in there?")

Thanks to CLARK BARR, this month’s Popcorn intern.

DECEMBER POPCORN BONUS!

PERENNIAL CHRISTMAS TV SPECIALS YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS

·       "Christmas With the Gingriches"

·       "Winnie the Pooh's Holiday Pot Party"

·       "Police Navidad" (“Cops” Holiday Documentary)

·       "Joey Buttafuoco's Last Incarcerated Christmas" (encore presentation)

·         And last but not least:

·       "Christopher Walken in a Winter Wonderland"

(Check your local listings for times and stations)

POPCORN

                                                                By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

I was a teenage hostage negotiator.

Overheard: “About 99% of the time, the right time is right now.”

Marianne and I just discovered a great new vegetarian restaurant.  Very pricy, though.  Cost us an arm and a legume!

“I went to a record store that said they specialized in hard-to-find records.” Nothing was alphabetized!”—Mitch Hedberg

Has anyone ever seen Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow in the same room?  Courtney Cox and Demi Moore? Amal Clooney and Anne Hathaway? (Thanks to People magazine online, your go-to source for Flavor of the Month celebrities.)

I don't care what anyone says:  We never had weather like this when Mr. Wizard was alive.

People who think what just happened in the Middle East won’t affect them probably had never heard of Pearl Harbor until Pearl Harbor.

The six phases of an actor's career: Teen idol, leading man, supporting roles, character parts, infomercials, obscurity.

We all get them—many of them—and no one reads them. So as a public service, here once again is jimjustsaying's Privacy Notices Made Simple—and they could be put on a postcard, saving tons of paper (not to mention trees):

 "We can do anything we want, and you can't do anything about it, unless your battery of attorneys is bigger and more politically connected than ours.  Thank you and get lost." The Management

There will never be a Whoopie Goldberg Lookalike Contest.

What I wouldn't give for a button on the remote control (or a Menu setting) that would make those irritating and relentless "crawls" disappear from the bottom of the TV screen.  (Ditto for those intrusive pop-up promo logos, or whatever they are.)

Quarterback names have taken a curious turn in recent years: Donovan, Peyton, Eli, Tarvaris, Troy, Drew, Brett, Aaron. . . .

And, drawing from a recent online listing of current starting QB's: Desmond, Bryce, Tyson, Deshaun, Jared, Trevor, Tua, Tyrod and Jalen. I'm thinking when Joe Montana retired, they must have retired his first name! (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

First move I'd make if I were NFL commissioner:  Any touchdown would be automatically nullified if the player scoring it didn't hand the ball to the referee (instead of "spiking" it and dancing around like a deranged buffoon with itching powder in his pants).  Better yet:  Add 6 points to the other team's total!  Grow up, guys! High school is over.

“Ask anyone you admire: Their lucky breaks happened on a detour from their main goal. So, embrace detours. Life is not a straight line for anyone.”—The Technium

jimjustsaying's "Word That Doesn't Exist But Should" of the Week: "Camera-maritan":  The stranger you draft into taking a picture of your group so that everyone in your group will be in it.—“More Sniglets,” Rich Hall and Friends.

Seems like every time I go to the grocery store, I see a variety of apple I've never seen before and no one I know has ever heard of.   Believe it or not, there is variety called Jazz. Tastes pretty good. (No Rhythm ‘n’ Blues apples as yet, apparently.  Haven’t noticed any Soul or Hip-Hop apples, either. Would probably sell well in certain neighborhoods.) 

I'm so old, I used to eat at NHOP--you know, the National House of Pancakes!

"The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards."--Novelist Arthur Koestler

Memo to the increasing number of females (and a few males) with pink, blue, green or purple hair:   Bring something to read when you go to the unemployment office.

Can't remember the last time I saw something we all used to see fairly often: A hitchiker.  Seen one lately?  

Toothbrush manufacturers amuse me no end.  They're always coming up with new angles (almost literally), new selling points.  The latest one I bought proclaimed "90% Deeper Reach/removes plaque between teeth."  

Why now, at this late date?  What part of "deeper" wasn't possible or advisable 100 years ago?  What led to the "breakthrough"? Have teeth changed that much--if at all--over time? Is it that hard to make THE perfect brush, once and for all?  Help me out here.

Same thing applies to razors, especially men’s.  What exactly has changed about facial hair that necessitates a “new, revolutionary shaving system”?  Answer: The need to increase sales.  Period.  So please stop insulting us with the technical mumbo jumbo.

Speaking of “discoveries”:

"There are three stages of scientific discovery:  First, people deny that it is true; then, they deny that it is important; finally, they credit [or blame?] the wrong person."--Alexander von Humboldt, 19th Century naturalist 

How come you never see anyone with a pencil behind his ear anymore?

Faded Phrase of the Week: "Let's get down to brass tacks." 

jimjustsaying's Media Word of the Week (a word you see only in print and never hear an actual person use in real life):  Plethora.  As in, "2023 has seen a plethora of mass shootings."

DRUDGING AROUND: Woman batters daughter with frozen chicken, cops say . . . SHOCK:  Hospital propped dead woman up in bed to fool family . . .  Genius monkey hijacks computer, types on keyboard and flicks through files in office . . .  Report: Terrorists will hack driverless cars and use them for horrific attacks . . . Teacher: Student loan debt drove me to porn career . . . New residential cruise ship would let travelers live at sea . . . Pilot who tried to shut off plane engines mid-flight took psychedelic mushrooms . . . Woman mauled by pet Rottweiler after feeding it THC gummy . . . Automakers come clean: EVs not working. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)

“Fog and smog rolled over Los Angeles, closing airports and slowing snails to a traffic pace.”—Los Angeles News, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.

Cultural priorities run amok:  Seeing TV sports anchors not only interviewing but hanging on every word of high school (or even younger) athletes.  It has come to this!  I don’t think the New York Times even COVERS prep sports, which is as it should be.  Name a paper or TV station that reviews high school plays or band concerts?  The kids will be playing their instruments long after they’ve put football or track behind them.

You could probably assemble a halfway decent news team if you could cherry-pick among all personnel at Chicago TV stations, taking an anchor from one station, a co-anchor from another, the sports guy from a third and the weather guy from another (picking similarly from the reportorial ranks).  Right now, they too often all fall under the rubric of Chucklehead Newsfaces with one or two good people at each station!  And there’s too many time-wasting teasers about “what’s coming up,” time that would allow for an additional bona fide story or two. And why this penchant for “reporting” in front of darkened, empty buildings after 10 p.m.?

Then there’s the lame banter between the “anchors” and the weather person/sports guy?  Another time-waster that’s banal beyond belief.  There are no Lenos or Lettermans in TV news.

Redundancy patrol:  "Component parts," "bouquet of flowers," "eradicate completely."

He said it: “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.”—H.L. Mencken

Just bought a bag of the 2-inch Snicker’s “Fun Size” bars.  I had to. I couldn’t handle the full-size bars—you know, the dreaded "Twelve Labors of Hercules" size!

I mean, aren’t all Snicker’s fun?  Apparently not.  (And did you know that there are about 16 varieties of the popular confection, including an espresso version?  And that they were sold under the name Marathon in the UK until 1990? Who else would tell you these things?)

jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Abu.” As in, John “Abu” Kodl, Kenosha News, Sept. 12, 2023. R.I.P., Abu.

Flour and water, salt, amylopectin, mineral or vegetable oil, fragrance, aluminum sulfate, borax, peg 1500 monostearate and coloring.  Put them all together and you have . . . Play-Doh! (There are Fun Facts and then there are . . . fillers!)

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”--Albert Einstein

Today's Latin lesson:  Nusquam video vidi visum hic, populus, iustus eo. ("Nothing to see here, folks, just move along.")

Thanks to Noah Zark, this month’s Popcorn intern.

POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

I was a teenage taxidermist.

The Answer:  Once or possibly twice.  The Question:  How many times a week do folks 50 and over NOT get any mail from AARP?

I recently spotted an ad for Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.  I guess the idea is to make it taste like anything but Dr. Pepper.

Overheard: “When women gossip, they’re called bitchy. But when men gossip, it’s called a podcast.”

Note to employers:  Before you hire someone, look inside the prospective employee's car (assuming he or she has one).  It will tell you more about the actual person than the dating-behavior charade that is the official interview process.

Why are fortune cookies found only in Oriental restaurants?   (Who would be the first to break the mold? It would be funny if you got one at, say, at Luigi’s Trattoria.  Or Lil and Lou’s BBQ Shack.  Or Hans’ House of Schnitzel.)  

Then there is the hybrid Chinese/Russian restaurant that just opened in Moscow.  The food reportedly is tasty, but 20 minutes later, you’re hungry for power.

Are pets always on vacation . . . or never on vacation?  And if you take your pet with you on vacation, is that a double vacation for the pet?  Or is it more of a vacation for Fido if you leave him home with a neighbor tending to him or have him put in a kennel?

(These are existential questions that Kierkegaard never got around to.  And wouldn’t this be a unique “Jeopardy” challenge?  “I’ll take Philosophers Who Weren’t Pet Owners for $5,000, Alex.”)

 jimjustsaying's Word That Doesn't Exist of the Month But Should:  AbrahamWashington. n. The unidentifiable "president" on the facsimile bill image seen on change machines.--From "Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe," Rich Hall and Friends.  (Would that be a counterfeit image or a composite counterfeit?  Or was it the original deep fake?)

Refrigerator:  A device useful for storing leftovers until they’re old enough to throw out.

Memo to all companies:  Let me buy something online without making me create an account, a user name and a password and install a mobile app, and you've got a customer for life.  I just want to buy something, not join a club!  But you, of course, insist on getting your hooks into us for your own selfish interests.  Annoying!

Another in a series of jimjustsaying's Media Words (words you see in newspapers but rarely if ever hear used by normal people in everyday life):  "Bevy."  (See also "passel," "vaunted" and "embattled").

She said it: "Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine."--Whoopi Goldberg

He said it: “The history of civilization is largely the history of weapons.”—George Orwell

In one 2019 poll, almost a quarter of Americans said recycling is more complicated than filling out their taxes.

If Tampa Bay wasn't hot enough, spontaneously combusting garbage certainly doesn't help.

Tampa's solid waste department has seen a recent trend in "hot loads" during the spring and summer, aka spontaneous combustions and fires inside trash or recycling trucks, Axios reports.

These fires are caused by overheating lithium-ion batteries, chemicals, cleaning solutions, propane tanks or electronics improperly disposed of in bins.

Tampa Fire Rescue has responded to more than 1,200 trash or dumpster fires in the last year, the city announced.

                               

Artwork courtesy of Quora

 Ah, yes . . . and yet we yearn for a simpler time!

There's no hope.   How are we going to fix the tax code, repair the crumbling infrastructure, deal with Putin, China or North Korea, not to mention reverse climate change when we can't even phase out the penny?   That would seem to be child's play in comparison, yet we can't even do something as simple as that!  And we've only been talking about it for about 30 years!

Pumpkin spice has already arrived everywhere from Dunkin' and Krispy Kreme to Bath & Body Works. (And don’t be surprised if oil companies hop on the bandwagon with a special blend: Pumpkin Spice Gasoline.  At a Premium price, of course.)

The national debt is much larger than Donald Trump’s legal bills . . . but the gap is narrowing by the day.

DRUDGING AROUND:  The college students who live in their cars . . . More Americans say they can NEVER retire . . . “Gray divorce:  More Boomers living alone . . . Calif:  Doctor-assisted suicides surge 63%! . . . Shoppers fed up with anti-theft devices . . . Ford CEO struggles to charge EV during road trip . . . Why college has become total ripoff . . . Today, nearly half of the students given government loans don’t graduate even after six years . . . Teens fall for online scams at faster rate than seniors . . . SF archbishop goes bankrupt to settle sex-abuse suits . . . States look to hire illegals to fatten struggling police depts. . . . (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)

The cartoon mascots that appear on cereal boxes, such as Cap’n Crunch and the Trix rabbit, are routinely designed so that their eyes tilt down by 9.6 degrees—the perfect angle to make eye contact with a child standing in the supermarket aisle, according to a study by Cornell University.  Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it. (Hmm, how does that work if the boxes are stocked on the bottom shelf?)

Overheard:  "Which is worse:  People who will argue over anything . . . or people who will argue over nothing?"

I liked some of Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" online series and am wondering what his next "You Can Never Have Enough Money" project will be.  Maybe . . . "Comedy Writers Doing Their Laundry in Other People's Basements”?

TV show that has absolutely no appeal for me: “Jay Leno’s Garage.”  (Jay, you were great, but your plane is now boarding!)

Redundancy patrol:  "Arson fire," "join together" and "end result."

Redundancy patrol, TV Meteorologist Division: “Rain event,” “Snow event,” “evening time,” “sunshine” and “drop down” (as in “temperatures will ’drop down’ into the 20s.”)

jimjustsaying's Coinage of the Month:  Shoulder of fortune:  A person who, when he or she is talking to you, is looking past you to see if there's someone more important he or she should be talking to. (A staple of cocktail parties everywhere.)

“Dogs may be left without muzzles for 10 days after having been vaccinated against rabbis.”—from “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel

You Can’t Make This Up Dept.: Think the biggest challenge in building a golf course in Dubai would be creating fairways and greens in a desert environment?  

Actually, a New Yorker article informs us that the hardest parts are the areas that are supposed to be sandy, because, it turns out, deserts make lousy sand traps.  

"The wind-blown grains are so rounded that golf balls sink into them, so the sand in the bunkers on Dubai's many golf courses is imported."  (Shades of “Carrying Coals to Newcastle”?)

Speaking of the Mideast: When in Abu Dhabi, do as the Abu Dhabi do! 

Good word, long overdue: Merriam-Webster has added “sheeple” to its official dictionary.  A combination of “sheep” and “people,” the derogatory term is used to describe "people who are docile, compliant, or easily influenced." (The MAGA crowd writ large?)

jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that researchers in the U.K. found that shouting expletives during physical exertion can boost strength, especially during tasks that require short, intense bursts of power like opening a tight-lidded jar?" 

(“We have yet to understand the power of swearing,” one researcher concluded.)  (*!#-*&%!($!@. Was that powerful enough?)

Dept. of the Wrongminded and Misguided:  When a tragedy occurs at a school, they always say that "counselors will be made available to all students."

I really have my doubts about the wisdom of this, how much it really helps.  Kids are resilient; they don't need any academics rubbing their nose in the pathos and peppering them with platitudes.  (Kid runs into the house crying, "I’m never going to play with Johnny again!"  Ten minutes later?  They're playing together like nothing ever happened!)

Puritanism: “The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.”—H.L. Mencken

You're an old-timer if you remember when you had to take the anti-freeze out of the car in the spring and put new stuff in in the fall.

Today's Latin Lesson: Si haec subitis medicinae realis, pendet et dial 911. ("If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.”)

Thanks to Sally Port, this month’s Popcorn intern.