POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life.

• I never metamorphosis I didn’t like.
• Dissecting a frog—fairly easy.  Putting the frog back together again . . . not so much.
• Rumor has it that the Republican Party folks, if they get health-care reform repealed, are going after sliced bread!
• Why all these commercials lately about reptile dysfunction?  What am I missing here?
• Speaking of commercials, I can't remember the last toothpaste commercial I saw.   
• There will never be a Gilbert Gottfried Lookalike Contest.  (Or a Gilbert Gottfried toothpaste commercial, now that I think about it.)
• Three TV shows I never watch:  "Dancing With the Stars," "America's Funniest Home Videos," and "Babe Winkelman's Outdoor Secrets."
• Gardeners:  Don’t fret if your stuff doesn’t come up looking like the pictures in the seed catalog.  Those pictures were posed by professional vegetables.
• "Time was, you used to have to actually spew racial hate to be a racist; nowadays, any opinion that somebody doesn’t like will do. "--Columnist Neil Steinberg, Chicago Sun-Times
• A hot dog at the ballpark beats roast beef at the Ritz."--Humphrey Bogart
• We've all heard it, this creeping commercialization cum sponsor plugola that accompanies the most routine baseball action:  "Let's set the Pepsi defense for you."  "Here's the Verizon call to the pen." "This pitching change is brought to you by . . . ."
• I see this going even further--that, in time,  players will be strictly referred to as products:  "Well, Ralph, I see Exxon Mobil is warming up in the bullpen . . . and it looks like Taco Bell is putting on a batting helmet in the dugout, so it looks like he's going to pinch hit for State Farm."  
• It could get worse:   "This between-innings Announcer Bathroom Visit is brought to you by Quilted Northern, the official bathroom tissue of the Milwaukee Brewers . . . ."
• With two you get egg roll:  Recent fortune cookies:  "A leader is a person you will follow to a place you wouldn't go yourself."  And  . . . "Optimists believe we live in the best of worlds,  and pessimists fear this is true."
• "Never tell your problems to anyone. Twenty percent don’t care, and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.”--Football coach Lou Holtz
• Which will come first:  Peace in the Middle East or an English-speaking pope?  (I'm just sayin'.)
• "We all know the same truth, and our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."--Woody Allen
• jimjustsaying's Media Word of the Week (a word you only see in print but never ever hear a normal person use in real life):  "Gambit."
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week:  "Kraut."  As in David H. "Kraut" Kurowski, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, April 9, 2013.  R.I.P.,  Mr. Kurowski.
• How come nutritionists never talk about "roughage" anymore?  Has it been upgraded to "dietary fiber"?
• CD Title of the Week:  "Frank Zappa:  A Token of His Extreme."
• Zappa is also responsible for one of my favorite all-time song titles ("Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?") and favorite album cover ("Weasels Ripped My Flesh!").   Honorable Mention, Zappa Song Title Division:  "Brown Shoes Don't Make It."
• There will never be another Walter Cronkite.  The position of "America's Most Trusted Man" has been open for a long, long time.  ("Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio . . . .")
• I don't know about you, but I sleep soundly knowing that Storm Team 5 is looking out for me. 
• But I wish they'd all stop referring to tomorrow's temperature as "your temperature tomorrow."  That pronoun isn't making me feel any warmer toward the station.  (And, besides, how do they know what my temperature is going to be tomorrow?)
• Who decided there would be only two kinds of cole slaw--creamy and vinegary?  Is a third variety out of the question?   (Barbecue slaw!  A breakthrough?  Is the country ready for Dijon cole slaw? Discuss!)
• If you think you can do the impossible, try finding the "Cancel Subscription" option in any media "customer service" site.  Good luck!   
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Ut non venio!  ("That's not happening!")