By Jim Szantor
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life
What they’re saying about Jim’s
provocative blog
--"Gluten-free
. . . and that’s a good thing!—Martha Stewart
--"I
love it when he says he doesn’t always agree with everything he says.”—Joe Biden
--"He's
from this country, Mexicans don't read him, so that's good enough for
me."--Donald Trump
--"The
one thing I didn't delete from my private server."--Hillary Clinton
--"Jimaschizzle!"--Calvin
Broadus, Jr. (aka Snoop Dogg)
--“Acerbic comedy without the annoying aftertaste!”—Jimmy Kimmel
*************************
--I was a teenage crime-scene cleanup
technician.
--Overheard: “Don’t ever work for someone you
wouldn’t want to become.”
--I like to think of myself as couth, ept and
combobulated. Oh, and I’m gruntled, too!
--jimjustsaying’s New
Weather Word: When snow flurries are so light that they’re barely visible, they
almost look like airborne lint, don’t they? I call them “slint.” Tomorrow’s
forecast: Mostly sunny, turning partly slinty by afternoon. Chance of slint: 60
percent.
--I hate to admit it, but my Christmas
ornaments are still up. Not the tree--just the ornaments!
--Memo to people who wear windbreakers with the
names of taverns on them: How much are
you being paid to advertise your lifestyle choices (such as they are)? (“Yeah,
I hang out at the Slimy Skunk Saloon and want everyone to know it.”)
--Rumors that I've been selected for the lead
role in "Deuce Bigalow, Geriatric Gigolo" are just that--rumors! (How
do these things get started?)
--I’m trying to be more laid back this year.
When something upsets me, I’m going to go into low dudgeon. (Whatever the opposite of “going ballistic
is,” that’s what I’ll be doing . . . whenever ballistic behavior would normally
be warranted.)
--Some good news . . . finally! Within 10
years, about 95 percent of the world's top tech companies will be American
thanks to the U.S. lead in artificial intelligence, Palantir CEO Alex Karp
told Axios' Mike Allen in Davos.
Why it matters: Karp called the European
startup scene "anemic," noting that tech's "real growth and
providers are in America."
America's advantage will compound because
of the lack of big tech companies in Europe today, he said--handing
"almost all the value" of AI to the U.S.
--Does anyone really believe those restaurant
ad claims (often seen in Where to Go Guide-type publications) such as “Voted
best (pizza/ribs/fried chicken) in (Your Town Here)”? Eight pizza parlor ads in
those pages . . . and all were voted No. 1? Incredible. I know I didn’t
vote—did you? Has anyone ever asked for a recount? Documentation would seem to be in order!
(“Hon, don’t forget; we gotta vote on Tuesday.
You know, the Pizza Election. And, oh yes, a week from Thursday is the Primary
for Chicken and Ribs. Mark that down. Hmmm,
I wonder if we can vote absentee?”)
--Redundancy patrol: "Pick and
choose," "join together," "women’s panties."
--Tax documents are starting to arrive in my
mailbox. (If you thought IRS regulations were tough, try figuring out your
Body Mass Index! I need an advisor for
that, too!)
--Political speech I'd love to hear (but
probably never will). "Win or lose, I promise to have all of my
campaign signs and posters taken down the day after the election."
(Funny, but I don’t recall ever seeing or
hearing a candidate’s TV or radio ad after the election, have you? But somewhere there’s probably a faded Romney
poster stuck on a telephone pole somewhere.)
--Prediction:
Some people will be so disenchanted with the presidential candidates
that they will write in The My Pillow Guy just out of frustration. (Well, at least one person will . . . and
it well may BE the My Pillow Guy!)
Speaking of politics: If queried by a pollster,
ask whom the pollster is voting for. And if he or she won’t tell you
(which they won’t), return the favor.
--More words you seen in print but never hear
an actual person ever use in real life: "Chortle," "sheaf"
and "imbroglio."
--One wonders who is worse off in our current
economic landscape: The person with virtually no education to speak of
and no job (or a McJob) . . . or the person with a master's degree and no job
(or a McJob).
(At least Mr., Ms. or Mrs. No Education doesn't
have $300,000 or more in student loans to worry about while he or she is
worrying where their next meal is coming from!)
--All persons are presumed innocent until the
surveillance video is broadcast on national television.
(Wouldn’t you think, given today’s technology,
that the quality of those surveillance videos wouldn’t still look like the
picture people got on a 1949-vintage TV set!)
--jimjustsaying’s Party
Ice-Breaker of the Month: “Say [actual
partygoer’s name here], did you know that Woody Allen is afraid of elevators
and lives on the first floor of his building?”
(Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
--“Shoes made of alligator or crocodile leather
should be cleaned in the same manure as regular shoes.”—Idaho Falls Eastern
Idaho Farmer, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.
--jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t
Exist But Should of the Month: “Gladhandling.” n. To attempt, with frustrating results, to find
and separate the ends of a plastic trash bag. —“Sniglets,” Rich Hall &
Friends
--I’ve basically lived my life bass ackwards,
as they say--totally against the grain. For example, I quit drinking
when I turned 21!
--He said it: “Travel lets us leave behind our
unrealistic prejudices about other places and the people who live there and
develop new, more realistic prejudices based on their actual
deficiencies.”--Dennis Miller
--She said it: “On a first date, I ask myself,
‘Is this the man I want my kids to spend every other weekend with?’ ”—Rita
Rudner
--DRUDGING AROUND: Minn. woman sues dentist after 4 root canals,
8 dental crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit that led to disfigurement . .
. Exploding toilet at DUNKIN’ left customer filthy, injured . . . All Alone: LA
has thousands of unclaimed dead . . . Woman will suffer diarrhea forever after
Ozempic causes horrible bowel injury . . . Woman found with dog urine in
court-ordered drug test . . . Underwear, socks latest item to be locked up in
shoplifting crackdown . . . Cops: Man
tried to swap drugs for fried pickles at Buffalo Wild Wings . . . Religious
“Nones” now largest single group in USA . . . Man dies while giving eulogy at
funeral . . . Shock: Alzheimer’s can spread BETWEEN humans . . . MAGA
maniac
beheads dad live on YouTube. (As always, thanks to Matt Drudge and his merry
band of aggregators.)
Another in jimjustsaying's series
of Occupations No Child Has Ever Fantasized About or Aspired To: Nail
salon technician. (Still No. 1: Insurance-claims adjuster.)
--What’s old is new—again! Flip phones are
having a moment as an alternative to smartphones. Consumers--especially younger
people--are buying these older phones to cut down on their screen
time, according to ZDNET.
U.S. flip phone sales reached about $3
million last year, according to Counterpoint Research. It might not
seem like much, but these devices were nearly extinct.
(So if you never joined the cellphone generation,
you no longer look like a wayward Mennonite.
And look at all the money you saved?)
--“The Detroit Quartet played Brahms last
night. Brahms lost.” — Anonymous critic
--Wouldn’t it be funny if noted
philosophers had nicknames? You know, to
humanize them a bit. (Albert “Sonny” Camus.
Arthur “Lefty” Schopenhauer. Friedrich “The Enforcer” Nietzsche. You
never see that!)
--Overheard:
“The World’s Oldest Woman just died at 115.
Man, that title must be CURSED!”
TODAY’S LATIN LESSON: Non habemus foetidus nives dies cum aetas tua eram! (“We didn't have no stinkin' snow days when I was your age!”)
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