POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• Been hearing and reading a lot about Pink Slime.  (Confession:  I thought it was a new rock group.  Who knew?)
• Jim's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:  "Hi [party guest's name here], did you know that every 1-cent increase in the cost a gallon of gas takes $1 billion of consumer spending away from other goods in the course of a year, according to Credit Suisse bank analysis?"
• A 50-cent increase?  That would divert $50 billion away from consumer spending.  (Did you say "ouch," or was that me?)
• According to a March 27 Business story ("Brewers aim to revive light sales," Milwaukee Journal Sentinel), "Anheuser [-Busch] is turning to higher alcohol content with the January introduction of Bud Light Platinum, featuring 6% alcohol, compared with 4.2% for regular Bud light."
• That's just what Wisconsin needs--more alcohol consumption in a state that ranks high if not highest in binge-drinking behavior and drunken-driving fatalities and arrests.  Don't be surprised if a future story reports that starting in 2014, all new vehicles sold in this state must be equipped with an ignition interlock device.
• (No truth to the rumor that Badger Brew was on the short list of names for the new product.)
• Most over-rated food item ever:  The bagel. 
• Pop Culture Quiz I: What do ABBA, Paul Anka, Jimmy Buffett, Patsy Cline, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Dion, the Drifters, Hall & Oates, Jefferson Airplane, Journey, Moody Blues, Steve Miller Band, the O'Jays, Buck Owens, Jim Reeves, the Righteous Brothers, the Ventures and Bobby Vinton have in common?  Answer:  Despite their scores of hits--some of them megahits--none of these artists or groups ever won a Grammy, according to Mr. Music (aka Jerry Osborne).
• Pop Culture Quiz II: What do Steve Allen, Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Lenny Bruce, actor Robert Pastorelli and mega-producer Don Simpson all have in common?  Answer: They all died on the toilet.
• The murals in restaurants are usually on a par with the food in art galleries.--Peter DeVries
•  Poor Mitt Romney:  He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
• Newt Gingrich Cheap Shots of the Week:
• “Newt Gingrich's campaign is now charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. Yeah. And for $100, you can get a picture WITHOUT Newt."--Conan O'Brien
•  "This week . . . Ron Paul said it's still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That's like Newt Gingrich saying it's too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model."--"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"
• Rick Santorum . . .  sometimes sounds more Catholic than the pope."--Maureen Dowd in The New York Times
• SZSEZ 's Magazine Find of the Week:  Veg News.
• Current issue examines the progression of vegan men in society, features an interview with raw foodist and ultrarunner Tim VanOrden and contains a recipe for Moroccan Chickpea Bisteeya and a review of an  L.A. restaurant called Seed Bistro. (And I'm sure, as they always say, "much much more.")
• SZSEZ's Store Sign of the Week:  Frayed Not (Upscale resale) in Green Bay, Wis.
• SZSEZ's Book Titles of the Week (tie):  "The Ultimate Guide to Butchering Deer," by John Weiss; and The Wisconsin Road Guide to Gangster Hot Spots," by Chad Lewis.  (So many must-reads, so little time!)
• SZSEZ's Jargon Word of the Week:  Shrilk.   A biodegradable alternative to plastic made by layering a polymer from shrimp shells and proteins from silkworm silk.  Twice as strong as aluminum, the material should be perfect for surgical sutures and tissue scaffolds, not to mention trash bags. (So says Wired magazine.)
• SZSEZ's Computer Tip of the Week:  Sluggish response?  Could be your mouse battery--no, not its strength but the type.  On a hunch, I recently replaced a Energizer Ultimate Lithium AA battery--which , if memory serves, was top rated by Consumer Reports and also tested out at top strength on my battery tester--and replaced it with another battery that also tested at top strength--a Duracell Alkaline AA.  Amazing difference.
• Yet another example of a Stupid Warning Label on an Actual Product: On a handgun: "Not recommended for use as a nutcracker."
• Obituary Nickname of the Week: Cement.  As in Patrick "Cement" Horan (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, March 23, 2012.  (R.I.P., Mr. Horan)
• Thirty-sixth entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes:  Montpelier, Wis. (R.I.P., "Whitey" Lester Salzseider, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Feb. 23, 2012.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Kunesh, Dousman and Butternut.
• Today's Latin lesson:  Oh meus Deus, quam did ut invado illic? ("Oh my God, how did that get in there?")
  
  

STATS INCREDIBLE! A SZSEZ BASEBALL EXTRA

KNEE (OR FOREHEAD) SLAPPERS FROM THE 2011 BASEBALL SEASON

   April 24--Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers attempts to reach a fan who proposed marriage but can't reach her because she printed her cell-phone number on her sign at the park and was inundated with calls.
   April 28--A St. Petersburg bar and grill holds a Sam Fuld (Tampa Bay outfielder) look-alike contest that is won by an 8-year-old girl.
   May 6--Cliff Lee of the Philadelphia Phillies is the third pitcher ever to lose a game despite striking out at least 16 batters in a start of seven or fewer innings.
   18--Both Kansas City Royals pinch runners (Mike Aviles and Jarrod Dyson) in the 9th inning of a tie game are picked off at first base.
    May 24--Batting twice with two outs and runners in scoring position, Sam Fuld of the Tampa Bay Rays hits the ball on the screws twice, only to see it bounce off an infielder's glove into the hands of another infielder, who records the out.
   May 25--Infielder Wilson Valdez of the Phillies is the first player since Babe Ruth (in 1921) to earn a pitching win after starting the game at another position.
   June 18--For the first time in 32 years, the first batter of a game (Rickie Weeks of the Brewers) homers after his foul pop-up is dropped for an error.
   June 26--For the second time this season, the winning run in the 10th inning scores on a wild pitch during an intentional walk (Kevin Jepsen of the Los Angeles Angles and Steve Cishek of the Florida Marlins were the culprits).
   June 27--The Los Angeles Dodgers win 15-0 the day the club files for bankruptcy.
   June 28--Gavin Floyd of the Chicago White Sox and Jason Hammel of the Colorado Rockies--both 6 foot 6, 28-year-old righthanders--square off.  While becoming the first opposing pitchers in 31 years not to strike out a batter in a 7-inning start, each fills the box score with identical totals in innings (7), runs (2), hits (6), walks (2) and even groundballs induced (12).
   July 2--Due to umpire error, Cameron Maybin of the San Diego Padres walks on 3 balls and then scores the only run of the 1-0 game.
   July 9---Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit is a solo home run off Tampa Bays' David Price, whose first hit allowed in the majors was also a solo home run to the Yankees shortstop.
   July 14--Prince Fielder of the Brewers, deciding he needs sunglasses in the  middle of an inning, calls time and borrows a pair from a fan.
   July 20--Arizona's Stephen Drew breaks his ankle and Milwaukee's Carlos Gomez breaks his collarbone on consecutive plays at Chase Field.
July 28--The Oakland A's his for a "natural cycle," as their third through sixth batters in the first inning hit a single, double, triple and homer in that order.
   Aug. 12--CC Sabathia of the Yankees and Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs both allow five home runs, only the second time in history that fate has befallen two pitchers on the same day.
   Aug. 15--Only 22 teams are in action, but the slate features a 600th home run (Jim Thome, Minnesota Twins), a 300th save (Jason Isringhausen, New York Mets), a 2,000th game managed (Jack McKeon, Florida Marlins), a triple play and a pair of two-out walk-offs.
   Sept. 1--Two crime-scene body outlines appear between third base and home in Milwaukee, where Ryan Braun fell twice the previous night trying for an inside-the-park homer.
   Sept. 19--Justin Upton of the Arizona Diamondbacks hits almost certainly the first home run ever that survives both a broken bat and an umpire's video review.
   Sept. 25--Under the assumption it was an inside-the-park home run for Esteban German, fireworks explode at Rangers Ballpark.  Moments later, the play is scored a sacrifice fly and a four-base error.
   Oct. 4--A 97-year-old Milwaukee man calls 911 because he wants to watch the Brewers-Diamondbacks NLDS matchup but can't find his TV remote.  (Note:  The police actually respond and find it.)
   Oct. 5--Brewers lefty Randy Wolf (3.69 ERA, .266 OPP AVG in 33 starts) opposes Arizona's Joe Saunders, also a lefty (3.69 ERA, .266 OPP AVG in 33 starts) in an NLDS game.

Thanks to our friends at Athlon Sports for compiling this collection of odds-defying oddities.

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• Why aren't "Going out of business" sales called Grand Closings?
• Ah, Northeast Wisconsin, where you see people wearing the clothing equivalent of the rotary dial phone.  (Or, occasionally, the "princess" phone.)  But there's never a Fashion Policeman around when you need one!
• March madness--that's all you hear these days!  Me, I'm mad 12 months a year--and twice on Sunday.
• What is your favorite Labor of Hercules?  For me, it's hard to beat Number Seven (of the Twelve): "Capture the Cretan Bull."
• This savage bull, kept by King Minos of Crete, was said to be insane and breathe fire. Hercules wrestled the mad beast to the ground and brought it back to King Eurystheus. Unfortunately, the king set it free, and it roamed Greece, causing terror wherever it went.
• (Any free-associative thoughts you may have had of Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh are purely uncoincidental.)
• I couldn't decide what to give up for Lent, so I gave up going to church!
• The Tired Rhetorical Device That Will Not Die:  "Hear that sound?  It's the gnashing of thousands of GOP power brokers' teeth," wrote William Kristol in Weekly Standard.com.  (Did you hear anything?  Neither did I.)
• People who say "whoops a daisy!" probably don't know how truly lame that actually sounds. 
• Jim Wyatt, director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, told Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mark Brown that it might make more sense to switch the start of Daylight Saving Time to a Friday night to give us the whole weekend to adjust.  (Makes sense to me--too much sense to ever be adopted.  Along with holding elections on Sunday, as many foreign countries do.  What's holding that back?)
• Tattoo on right arm:  "See other arm."--Demetri Martin
• The lead piece on the March 11 "60 Minutes" was an interview with the former head of Israeli intelligence, Meir Dagan.  The interviewer?  Lesley Stahl,  she of the wide-eyed, head-jerking, leg-crossing double-takes in reaction to interviewee statements.
• (Not sure she would have been my first choice, sexist though it sounds, Israel being, as it is, on the brink of war with Iran.  But until they start checking with me on assignments, these things are going to happen.)
• Speaking of "60 Minutes":  What part of retirement does Morley Safer--age 80, probably not your prototypical ratings magnet, albeit with a fairly distinguished career--not understand?  I doubt he needs the money, so he's just occupying a job that someone else really needs.    (See Hope comma Bob and Burns comma George and Rooney comma Andy and King comma Larry for other examples of guys who just couldn't give it up long after they lost their proverbial fastballs.  Sad.)
• Fun Fact about Morley:  After reporting negatively on the Vietnam War, President Lyndon Johnson reacted angrily, calling CBS' president and accusing Safer and his colleagues of having "shat on the American flag."
• You know you've eaten at a bad Chinese restaurant if you get a misfortune cookie at the end of the meal.
• Speaking of eating: No offense meant to people with serious medical issues, but let's face it, folks, some people are just out-and-out gluttons.  People for whom eating is more recreation and all-consuming passion than means of survival and transient enjoyment.
• So just as there are truck-weighing stations on the interstate and higher toll rates for the big rigs, shouldn't all-you-can-eat buffets change their pricing structures?  There are two levels basically--child and adult, whether the adult is a light eater or the kind of human Sequoias who go back for heaping plateful after heaping plateful and stay there for two hours or more
•  Maybe it all balances out, but . . . somehow I doubt it.  For one thing, these places are just veritable enablers of the nation's obesity epidemic (even though fast-food emporiums usually get the blame).
• "Ideology is just a pejorative word for principles in which you happen not to believe."--The columnist "Lexington" in The Economist.
• Today's Media Word (a word you only hear or read in news reports):  "Foment/fomenting."
• “North Korea has officially agreed to suspend its nuclear program. Apparently, they watched one episode of "Toddlers & Tiaras" and realized we’re destroying our own society.”--"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon."
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: Cowboy.  As in Dwayne "Cowboy" Van Wychen of Mountain, Wis. (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary March 5, 2012.  R.I.P. Mr. Van Wychen).
• Thirty-fifth entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes:  Buttternut, Wis. (R.I.P., Larry R. Leonard,  Kenosha News obituary, Feb. 22, 2012.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Kunesh and Dousman.
• Today's Latin lesson: Illic nunquam a formo muneris inter ut vos postulo unus. ("There's never a fashion policeman around when you need one.")

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• Which kind of pasta eater are you--a twirler or a cutter?  (Me? I cut my spaghetti, but I twirl my meatballs--over my head!)
• Why do people scratch their heads when they're trying to think of something?  (Or stroke their chins?)  Do they think they're activating the recall section of the brain?  How do things like that get started anyway?
• I know a cop who is so conscientious he once pulled himself over!
• 911 Distress Call of the Month: An impatient driver (is there any other kind?) in San Francisco decided to swerve around a lane of cars stalled in traffic and drove straight into a lane of freshly poured cement, The Week magazine reports. The auto sank about a foot and got stuck.  The vehicle?  A Porsche 911.
• If you ask me, the country started going to hell about the time people started using the word "party" as a verb.
• Confidence:  What you have before you understand the problem.--Woody Allen
• A recent news item ("The Pentagon is beefing up U.S. sea- and land-based defenses in the Persian Gulf to counter any attempt by Iran to close the Strait of Hormuz") recalls a great Time magazine cover line just before the Gulf War,to wit:  "Bush to Iraq:  Read my ships!"
• SZSEZ's Media Word of the Week (a word you rarely if ever hear a person use in real life): "Presumptive."
• Speaking of media, why are Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich still referred to (or addressed as) "the governor" or "Mr. Speaker"?  Neither have held those titles in, collectively, about 20 years.  (If that's the custom, then, I submit, it's a stupid custom.)  Romney hasn't been a governor since 2007, and Gingrich as ousted as Speaker of the House in 1998.)
• Speaking of politics, what do Abe Lincoln, Woodrow Wilson and FDR have in common?  They were all nominated in brokered conventions.
• A brokered convention is not likely these days, experts say, because a Johnny Come Lately candidate would have a mere 10 weeks to organize and raise funds against a well-fortified incumbent president with a two-year head start.
• Yet another Stupid Warning on an Actual Product:  On a brand of pantyhose: "Not to be used in the commission of a felony."
• I'm not saying I believe in the Mayan Calendar, but I'm not starting my Christmas shopping this year until Dec. 22!
• SZSEZ's candidate for Outright Product Packaging Lie of the Year:  "Quick and Easy Setup!"
• Wise words from Daniel Kahneman in his best-selling "Thinking, Fast and Slow": "True experts know the limits of their knowledge."
• Our Crazy World:  You'd think that with physically grueling construction jobs having shrunk, that disability awards would have plummeted.  But  . . . the opposite is true; they have gone up!  (So says Robert J. Samuelson of the Washington Post, citing research by economist David Autor of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.)
• "I'm made of dihydrogen monoxide, sulfate, radionuclides, trihalomethanes, bromate, n-nitrosodimethylamine, lead and chloramines.  What am I?" (Answer elsewhere in this blog update.)
• Thirty-fourth entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes:  Dousman, Wis. (R.I.P., Julie Paige, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Feb. 1, 2012.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown and Kunesh.
• "Progress isn't made by early risers.  It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."--Author Robert Heinlein in The Village Voice.
• Why does a guy have to come out to the house to read my electric meter?  Nobody has to climb the telephone pole to see how many phone calls we made!
• Why do people sometimes confuse left and right but seldom confuse up and down?
• Explanation, via Wired magazine: Because the corresponding parts of the body are neurally wired to move in sync, for the sake of coordinated action. They mirror one another, which is why it's hard to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time. That mirroring of the movement bleeds over into our perception of space so left and right are easily confused.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but if the opportunity ever arises, you'll thank me later!)
• Quiz answer:  Tap water.
• Today's Latin lesson:  Mellis, ego sudo it's non quis vos reputo. ("Honey, I swear, it's not what you think!")
  

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• I don't think my chiropractor can help me anymore.  It only hurts when I contemplate the Cubs pitching staff for 2012.
• Got your President's Day planned out yet?  I've been on record as advocating Vice President's Day.  You'd still have to go to work, but you wouldn't have to do anything. (And nobody would notice whether you were there or not.)
• "I love constantly changing the ring tone on my iPhone, but I must pay the price of always grabbing my iPhone when it's someone else's that's actually ringing."--Zerbina in the "Ambiguous Disambiguation" (Feb. 3) episode of the "Zippy" cartoon by Bill Griffith.
• Health Headline of the Month:  "Purple Potatoes Lower Blood Pressure in Overweight People."  Who knew?
• Unintentional Obituary Humor Item of the Week: "David C----------, 53, of Mesa, Ariz., formerly of Kenosha, died from a motorcycle accident on Jan. 17, 2012, surrounded by his loving family. "  (I hope the family is recovering from any injuries they may have suffered.)--Kenosha (Wis.) News, Feb. 5, 2012
• Speaking of accidents, what's with all these wrong-way highway crashes these days?  Seems like there is one a week somewhere, usually with multiple fatalities (usually in the car going the right way).  Maybe we ought to take another look at that signage.  (I know highway signs can be confusing at times, but . . . )
• As someone who has been in a Starbucks only once, I'm wondering where this term "barista" came from?  Talk about glorification of the mundane!  Aren't these coffee-mixers/pourers the modern-day equivalent of the so-called "soda jerks"?  Just as "Human Rights counselors" used to be "personnel clerks."  (I'm just sayin'.)
• TV commercials built around infants speaking with adult voices are almost as annoying as the ones in which the pitchmen (or pitchwomen) knock on the "inside" of the TV screen.
• "We may find that fighting a war with Iran is like making love to a gorilla: You don't stop when you're done; you stop when the gorilla is done.--Steve Chapman in the Chicago Tribune.
• (Trouble is, the gorilla's never done!)
• Jim's Law of Hotel/Motel Quality:  The faster the room service trays are removed from the hallways, the better the hostelry.   (If you're a rat, you probably thinking just the opposite!)
• Whatever happened to John Davidson? 
• Next time a waiter asks if you want "ground pepper on your salad," tell him, "No, powdered saffron will suffice, thank you!"
• Let's face it, bow ties aren't for everyone.  (So if your bowling team doesn't want to wear them, don't make an issue out of it.)
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Batman."  As in Donald R. "Batman" Bastman, Kenosha (Wis.) News obituary, Jan. 18, 2012.
• SZSEZ's Word You Rarely if Ever Hear Anymore Of the Week:  "Skulduggery."
• Literary Note of the Week, Novel Excuse Dept.: The dog didn't eat John Steinbeck's homework, but it did, according to Wikipedia, eat the first draft of his renowned "Of Mice and Men."
• Never make eye contact at a bar with people who look like they might want to talk.
• People who wear Crocs outside the privacy of their own homes should begin immediate therapy.
• Note to HLN's Nancy ("Bombshell tonight . . .") Grace: When everything is a "bombshell," then nothing is.  ("Bombshell tonight!  The sun is expected to rise in the east tomorrow.  Now let's unleash the lawyers . . . .")
• The five best insights on Mitt Romney from Frank Rich's wonderful recent essay in New York magazine:
• A focus-group participant told a pollster that Romney reminded him of the "dad who's never home."
• "He may be a bore and a flip-flopper but he doesn't frighten the horses."
• "Many who have known or worked with Romney view him as a man who sometimes seems to be looking not into your eyes but past them."
• The answers to questions about Romney's career as a lay [Mormon] church official may tell us more about who he is than his record at Bain, his sparse tenure as governor or his tax returns."
• "Romney has been trying since 1994 to formulate answers to questions about his Bain career, his vast wealth and his leadership role in his church.  If he hasn't found them by now, it's because he doesn't have them."
• Thirty-third entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes: Kunesh, Wis. (R.I.P., Daniel E. Reitmeyer, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Feb. 1, 2012.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman and Readstown.
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Si vos teneo adeo , quare pulvis vos uber? ("If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?")

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• I didn't have an imaginary friend when I was a kid.  I had an imaginary bully!
• The NFL playoffs brought back some painful memories about high school:  Our team was so bad that the coin toss was usually intercepted!
• Jim's Faded Phrase of The Week:  "Dating the stork."
• Is there anything more useless than a Wal-Mart greeter?  How does Target survive without them?
• As a public service and a great time-saver, here is Jim's "Privacy Notices Made Simple":
• We can do anything we want, and you can't do anything about it, unless your battery of attorneys is bigger than ours.  Thank you and get lost.
• "There are many more Italian-American CPAs than hit men, not that I want to watch a cable TV series about accountants."-- Author Bill Tonelli to Tom Santopietro, author of "The Godfather Effect," in the Wall Street Journal.
• Speaking of Italians, best headline of the year so far in the fabled New York Post (over a picture of the beleaguered captain of the ill-fated cruise ship Costa Concordia):  "Chicken of the Sea."
• Irony of the Week:  Celine Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On" was playing in one of the ship's restaurants when the Costa Concordia hit a rock and began to sink.  Death toll thus far:  17, with 16 still missing.
• Another Strange Statement spotted on an Actual Product: On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: "Why Not Try Tossing Over Your Favorite Breakfast Cereal?"
• If you ask me, Bob Dole is going around the country stirring up apathy!
• "It might work in practice, comrade, but it doesn't work in theory."--Old  Marxist joke regarding anything that deviated from pure communist economics. (SZSEZ:  Your go-to source for Marxist economist humor.  Not much call for it, but . . . )
• If you're wondering why America is losing out on jobs, consider this from a New York Times article about why Apple does so much of its manufacturing in China:
• "Apple had redesigned the iPhone’s screen at the last minute, forcing an assembly-line overhaul. New screens began arriving at the [Chinese] plant near midnight. 
• "A foreman immediately roused 8,000 workers inside the company’s dormitories, according to the executive. Each employee was given a biscuit and a cup of tea, guided to a workstation and within half an hour started a 12-hour shift fitting glass screens into beveled frames.
• "Within 96 hours, the plant was producing over 10,000 iPhones a day. ‘The speed and flexibility is breathtaking,’ the executive said. ‘There’s no American plant that can match that.’ ”
• Exactly.  America has become the Land of "Debby Has To Go On Her Break Now" (after putting in a grueling two hours at the checkout counter).  China is the land of people working 12-hour shifts at a moment's notice.
• "99.99 percent of all castles in America are located in fish tanks."--Demetri Martin
• In four days, the United States uses more water than the world uses oil in a year.-- from the book "The Big Thirst: The Secret Life and Turbulent Future of Water," by Charles Fishman.
• I love it when foodies and restaurant critics call an establishment "a destination restaurant."  As opposed to--what?--the company lunchroom?  A place you were taken to at gunpoint?  A place you know is lousy but go to anyway because it's nearby?
• I'll believe in the Ride-Sharing Program when the president's limo starts participating.
• Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week: "Benny Honna."  As in:  Benjamin "Benny Honna" Shaw, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary Jan. 4, 2012.  R.I.P. Mr. Shaw.
• "In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.”--Actress Olivia Wilde
• Celebrity Trivia Note of the Week:  The real first name of recently departed soul singer Etta James was . . .  Jamesetta.  Last name:  Hawkins. 
• "Who Knew?" Note of the Week: Ms. James reportedly never knew who her real father was but suspected it was Rudolf Wanderone--better known as Minnesota Fats.  (And all along we always thought he was just a pool hustler!)
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Non habemus ad vos non tetri idem.  ("We don't have to show you no stinkin' badges.")

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• I don't want to say I had a bad cold, but I just won the Puffs Customer of the Month Award.  (Unfortunately, it's not worth the paper it's printed on!)
• The Green Bay Packers' ignominious early exit from the NFL playoffs comes as a welcome wake-up call to the legion of fevered Lambeau/Lombardi loyalists who thought their team was an invincible juggernaut that was going to waltz its way to annual Super Bowl titles as long as Aaron Rodgers was drawing a breath.  (Right!)  I have a feeling that somewhere in Mississippi, Bret Favre is cackling in his Barcalounger and saying something like, "It ain't that easy, boys!" 
• You spend $8 at a Chinese restaurant and get a fortune cookie.  You spend $28 at a steak house, and you have the good fortune of paying "$2.75 extra  for mushrooms." (The cookie would be extra, too, if they offered one!)
• If Mitt Romney is indeed the Republican nominee for president in November, I think he should name Donald Trump as his running mate.  Since they both like to fire people, they'd both be on the proverbial same page and provide the vital unity the GOP has been sorely lacking during the primary season.
• Does anyone really understand the process of dry cleaning?
• Speaking of which, isn't it strange that there is no "As Seen on TV" Home Dry Cleaning Kit?
• Yet.
• Jim's Faded Phrase of the Century Award:  "In a jiffy."  Nobody says that anymore.  (What was a "jiffy" anyway?)
• Imponderable of the Week:  A comic who name escapes me has asked: Why are the Three Musketeers shown holding swords instead of muskets?
• SZSEZ's question:  Why aren't they shown eating candy bars?
• If you have to show your tax returns if you want to run for political office--even something as relatively low profile as part-time mayor of a small town--why is it that financial advisors--people who have your entire portfolio at stake--don't have to disclose anything? 
• Ouch!  Frank Rich of New York magazine on Newt Gingrich: "Heaven knows his saving grace is not his perennially self-advertised genius as a 'historian.'  He is a scholar only if compared with Bill O’Reilly, whose current best seller, 'Killing Lincoln,' is replete with references to the Oval Office even though the Oval Office wasn’t built until 1909."
• I had my litmus tested the other day.  Unfortunately, I need a litmus transplant, but my insurance won't cover it!
• "Trying to be popular in high school is like trying to be mayor of a city that won't exist in four years."--Artist Jenny Holzer in Huffington Post. Com.
• My bank just sent me a privacy notice.  I called and told them they were invading my privacy.
• A pox on those charities that petition you to be their de facto middleman and put the arm on your neighbors. 
• Two problems:  The neighbors most likely resent the intrusion and/or are embarrassed if they are not able to come through with some cash.   That makes you the bad guy . . . all in the name of "a good cause."  Enough.  I did it once and got one response out of 19 envelopes I sent out.  My wife had a similar experience.  Enough again.  (I don't know if our experience is typical . . . but I strongly suspect that it is.)
• SZSEZ's Media Word of the Week (a word you only see in print or hear on broadcast media but never hear a real person ever use):  "Roil."
• "Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see."--Arthur Schopenhauer, quoted in the Associated Press.
• Thirty-second entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes: Readstown, Wis. (R.I.P., Norman R. Dregne, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Dec. 15, 2011.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton and Goodman.
• "Nearly half of all people in the United States are torsos."--Demetri Martin
• The answer: John McDonald, Harry Chiti, Archie Corbin and Mike Ross.  The question: Name the four major-league baseball players who were traded for themselves.  (In other words, they were traded to a team for a "player to be named later" who, as it turned out, turned out to be  . .  . them.)
• If you think that's weird, a player was once traded for a dinner. At the 1994 trade deadline, the Minnesota Twins sent Dave Winfield, a player who amassed over 3,000 hits in his career, to the Cleveland Indians for a player to be named later.
• Winfield never played a game for the Indians because the rest of the season was canceled because of the players' strike. No player was ever named later. To settle the deal, the Indians executives took the Twins executives out to dinner and paid the bill. 
• Another Stupid Warning Seen on an Actual Product: On a package of Fisherman's Friend Throat Lozenges: "Not meant as substitute for human companionship."
• "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in . . . and how many want out."--Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair in the Montreal Gazette.
• There will never be a  Wolf Blitzer Look-Alike Contest.
• Today's Latin lesson:  Utor es postulo purgo manuum pro recidivus laboro.("Employees must wash hands before returning to work.")