POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:

• Notice:  This blog is for Dissenting Adults Only.
• Quarterback names have taken a curious turn:  Donovan, Peyton, Eli, Tarvaris, Troy, Drew, Brett, Aaron . . .   I think when Joe Montana retired they must have retired his first name!
• One of the newspaper ad inserts for the Black Friday holiday shopping blitz was from Radio Shack.  Radio Shack?  You'd think by now--they've been around since 1921 and are listed on the New York Stock Exchange--they could have upgraded a bit, wouldn't you?  To . . . Radio House? Radio Mansion?  Heck, Radio Studio Apartment would be an improvement over Radio Shack!
• What's Wrong With This Picture:  Vladimir Horowitz solo recital CD--$16.99.  That's one man--$16.99. New York Philharmonic CD--$16.99 That's 109 pieces plus three directors/conductors, two librarians, an orchestra personnel manager, a stage representative and an audio director.  That's 117 people--$16.99. This all makes perfect sense, right?
• I'm so old,  I used to eat at NHOP--you know, the National House of Pancakes!
• Speaking of food, if alligator meat (to choose an exotic foodstuff at random) "tastes just like chicken," I'll stick with the chicken, thank you.  Besides, I don't think Gator McNuggets would catch on in the Midwest, do you?
• (You're eating at an outdoor cafe in Brisbane, Australia.  Eating fried chicken.  A homeless aborigine walks by your table, eyeing your plate hungrily.  You offer him a piece of chicken.  He thanks you, takes a bite, smiles and says, "Hmmm, tastes just like crocodile!")
• Just a guess, but after perusing the six or eight huge sections of a Borders store magazine department, I'm thinking 80 percent of those magazines probably didn't exist 8 or 10 years ago.  There are probably more hairdo and nails magazines (!) on the racks today than there were magazines of all kinds in 1960. And they say "nobody reads anymore"?
• Don't know what this says about me, but whenever I see a book, magazine or CD or some such  thing out of place in the rack, I always put it where it should be, the better for someone who is actually looking for that item to find it.  I can't help myself. (Call it Shopping Karma 1.0.)
• "Years ago, fairy tales all began with "Once upon a time . . ."; now we know they all begin with "If I'm elected . . . ." --Carolyn Warner, professor of political science and global studies.
• Appalling news: According to a recent study, 75 percent of Americans between ages 17 to 24  are unable to enlist in the military today because they have failed to graduate from high school, have a criminal record, or are physically unfit. America’s youth are now tied for ninth in the world in college attainment.
• Being the coolest guy at the Senior Center is a lot like being the tallest midget in the circus  . . . or the skinniest kid at Fat Camp!
• People who use leaf blowers instead of leaf vacuums are a puzzle to me.  Why blow leaves around when you can suck them up and mulch them at the same time?  And why not just rake them?  It's more effective, much more efficient--but then again, it does require some exertion.  This is but one reason the Obesity Epidemic marches on.
• I'm always incredulous when the stock market plunges when the unemployment figure moves from, say, 9.6 to 9.61 . . . or stays the same.  What?  The Nervous Nelly investors were expecting a 50 percent reduction overnight?  Doesn't speak well for the intelligence of the average investor!
• Thirteenth entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in an Obituary Sweepstakes: Kossuth, Wis. (r.i.p. Wayne C. Herold, Green Bay Press-Gazette, Nov. 18, 2010). Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon and Pickerel.
• "If everything is an illusion and nothing exists, then I definitely overpaid for my carpet."--Woody Allen
• Factoid of the Week:  The term Baby Boom that you hear most every day of your life was coined in the early 1960s by market researcher Florence Skelly.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• Every day I pray at least once to the Patron Saint of Comedy--Saint Shecky.  (Hallowed be his name.)
• Overused Media Word No. 642:  "Pumps."  As in: "The DNR estimates deer hunting pumps about a billion dollars into the state's economy every year."  It never "injects," it never "delivers," it never "thrusts" . . . . No, it always "pumps."  Maybe that's one reason a business writer has never won a Pulitzer Prize?
• Book Title of the Week: "How to Detect Your Own Clone . . . and Other Tips For Surviving the Biotech Revolution," by Kyle Kurpinski and Terry O. Johnson. (Wow!  Another blockbuster by the Kurpinski/Johnson tandem!)
• I'm the life of parties I've never attended.  Vicious animals curl up and purr at my feet. My blog is read on five continents (true; documentable).  I've been called the most interesting man in the world.  And though I don't drink beer often, when I do . . . I choose Dos Equis.  Stay thirsty my friend!
• Today's Latin lesson:   Ego wouldn't vado illic si Ego erant vos.  ("I wouldn't go there if I were you.")