Sunday, December 2, 2012


Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:
  • I’m trying to trace my family’s roots, but I’m a bit puzzled.  I mean, where is Caucasia anyway! 
  • People used to wrap fish in newspaper, but not so much anymore. There's probably an app for that.
  • Speaking of apps, the Video Poker game on my iPod Touch keeps nagging me to download updates.  What's  to possibly update?  Have they invented another suit?  Clubs, hearts, spades, diamonds . . . and rubies? 
  • Which pays more:  Working in a bookstore or a library?
  • Future Shock Item of the Week:  Caviar vending machines, now actually in place in--where else?--Los Angeles?  ("Pssst, hey buddy--got change for a $1,000 bill?")
  • Jargon Word of the Week:  Facekinis--face masks designed to be worn at the beach.  Pierced with small eye-holes, the colorful Lycra headgear have, Wired magazine reports, become a fashion statement in China, where suntans are associated with farmwork.
  • If the 10-gallon hat were named according to the metric system, it would be a 37.9-liter hat. 
  • You're a lot younger than I am if  your baby pictures are in color.
  • Another Media Word (a word you see only in print and never hear a normal person use in real life):   "bellicose."
  • Why do people say "brrrrrrr" when they're cold?  Shouldn't they be saying "frrrrrrrrr"?
  • No two tire-pressure gauges give the same reading.
  • Politically, you could call me a conservatal or a liberative—take your pick.
  • "Amen, brother" Item of the Week:  "Owning property on the shore has an inherent risk—a risk that seems to be growing as sea levels rise and storms become more powerful. Taxpayers shouldn’t be asked to subsidize those who build castles at the ocean’s edge."--USA Today editorial on Hurricane Sandy
  • Redundancy Patrol: "Each and every"; "pick and choose"; "separate out."
  • What happened to all the impressionists?  Time was when you'd often see the likes of Rich Little, Frank Gorshin, John Byner and a few others on TV variety and talk shows.  Now, it's Frank Caliendo . . . once in a while . . . and that's about it.
  • A  pox on people who put the greeting cards they don't like back in the wrong slot.
  • Game-show buzzers have the same sound as when you try to start a car that is already running.
  • Do mothers still warn their kids about "putting someone's eye out"?   (In certain neighborhoods, the eyes are the least of their worries!)
  • Do Chinese restaurants now serve Beijing Duck?  And why did they change all those names anyway?  The locals are probably confused.
  • People who write in goofy names in the voting booth should be deported immediately.    That's perverting your Constitutional right. 
  • How did the Princess Phone get that name anyway?   (Because it sounded better than Queen or Duchess or Royal Wench?)
  • Stupid Product Warning on an Actual Product:  On a set of children's alphabet blocks:  "Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive."
  • Insult of the Week:  "May I have the pleasure of your absence?"
  • Today's Latin lesson:  Si vos can't pello pepulli pulsum lemma , suo lemma. ("If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.")

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