Wednesday, May 9, 2018

POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life
  • I'm old enough to remember when the only privacy notice you'd ever encounter was a Keep Out sign.
  • If the NBA season is going to last until June, why don't they play where all the NBA wannabes play--outdoors?
  • Donald Trump's shifting narratives on the Stormy Daniels soap opera recalls a remark once made by American journalist John Gunther: "He was trying to save both his faces."
  • Who would have thought that one day a president who had a dalliance with a porn star would see his approval ratings rise?  (But hey, at least she wasn't a Russian porn star.) 
  • Asked if they'd have sex with Donald Trump, 90 percent of American women said, "Never again!"
  • When enemies of the U.S. are discussed, no one ever mentions Switzerland. But if there were no such thing as those infamous "Swiss bank accounts," how much of a game-changer would that be for U.S. coffers?  (Along with other "off-shore" maneuvers and the equally fabled "underground economy" . . . .)
  • While some of us observed Earth Day, in parts of Florida another day was observed:  Sinkhole de Mayo.
  • "Some people become so expert at reading between the lines that they don't read the lines."--Mystery writer Margaret Millar
  • jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that at Spearfish, S.D., the mercury rose 49 degrees--from minus 4 to 45--in two minutes on Jan. 22, 1943?"
  • Slang terms you never hear anymore (unless spoken by someone born "many moons ago"):
  • "Daddy-o,"  "See you later, alligator," "made in the shade," "knuckle sandwich," "passion pit," "cool cat," "gimme some skin," "bread" (as in money), "gag me with a spoon"  and "have a cow."  (The replacements are sure to be as lame and as fleeting.)
  • Why is it that companies can take your credit card info over the phone and process it in two minutes  or less but can't process a refund for six to eight weeks?  (Most likely because they want to take that long to figure out a way to decline the refund.)
  • For baseball fans only: Shouldn't Tommy John should get a royalty every time "Tommy John surgery" is mentioned or performed?  (You know you're way down on the major-league club's organizational depth chart when the team has your Tommy John surgery performed by Tommy John!)
  •  When is the last time you saw a Wanted poster at the post office?  Are they telling us (a) that everyone evil has been rounded up or (b) that they've essentially thrown in the towel?  Do criminals ever feel Unwanted because of this?  Is there a support group for them?
  • Today's Media Words (words you encounter in newspapers or TV/radio newscasts but never heard an actual person use in real life):  Quell, quash,  ire and ardor.
  • Thinking outside the box:  What if "they" ultimately discovered that radiation is good for us!  It took the so-called experts eons to reverse course on the egg and determine that it "isn't the cholesterol villain we once thought it was.  Eat all you want."  I think the egg has been around much longer than nuclear radiation.  So there's still time.
  •  (The egg is but one example of FDA/medical  flip-flopping.  That said, I applaud the effort to get things right, no matter how poorly it may reflect on earlier pronouncements.)
  • Redundancy patrol: "Enter in," "barred out of . . .," "for free."
  • Memo to managers of grocery (and other) stores with shopping carts:  How about taking them aside and doing a little wheel maintenance once in a while?  Turn them upside down and give 'em the once-over. A little bolt tightening and a little lubrication (WD-40?) would probably do wonders for those oh-so-wobbly wheels.  Replace as needed.  Rinse/lather/repeat.
  • Wobbly, sticking wheels just irritate the customer, so you would think more attention would be paid in this area.  Yet another example of corporate blind spots or indifference; if they think of this at all, they don't see such maintenance as contributing to the bottom line, therefore why bother? (And they wonder why "profit margins" are down.  It's the little things,  folks.)
  • Who would have thought that one day Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose would someday eclipse Roman Polanski on the pariah scale?
  • jimjustsaying's Word That Should Exist But Doesn't:  Execuglide.  v.  To propel oneself about an office without getting up from the wheel-equipped chair.
  • Newspaper Obituary Healine Nickname(s) of the Month:  Rip, Poosie and Pooz.  As in Leland A. "Rip," "Pooz," "Poosie" Pacey, Kenosha (Wis.) News, April 3, 2018.  R.I.P., Mr. Pacey.
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  Non habemus ad vos non tetri idem.  ("We don't have to show you no stinkin' badges.")

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