Monday, July 19, 2021

POPCORN

                                                        By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 
about the absurdities of contemporary life 
  • I'm continually amazed by the huge beards I see whenever I turn on a major-league baseball game. (And that's just the bat boys!)
  • Rumors that I've been selected for the lead role in "Deuce Bigalow, Geriatric Gigolo" are just that--rumors! How do these things get started anyway?
  • As a public service and a great time-saver, here is jimjustsaying's Privacy Notices Made Simple: "We can do anything we want, and you can't do anything about it, unless your battery of attorneys is bigger than ours. Thank you and get lost."
  • (How many trees could be saved if the millions of privacy notices--and their requisite envelopes--ceased to exist? No one reads them, no one would miss them. But I think we'll be missing the trees.)
  • Memo to the increasing number of females (and a few males) with pink, blue, green or purple hair: Bring something to read when you go to the unemployment office.
  • I don't have a so-called "bucket list." Actually, I have a list that’s sort of the opposite of a bucket list—things that I theoretically could do but have no desire to actually do. And it’s name rhymes with bucket, preceded by the word “Aw.”
  • Don't know about you, but movies that are about the making of a movie hold no appeal for me.
  • Toothbrush manufacturers amuse me no end. They're always coming up with new angles (almost literally), new selling points. The latest one I bought proclaimed "90% Deeper Reach/removes plaque between teeth."
  • Why now, at this late date? What part of "deeper" wasn't possible or advisable 100 years ago? What led to the "breakthrough"? Have teeth changed that much--if at all--over time? Is it that hard to make THE perfect brush, once and for all?
  • Sometimes I feel like a 100 percent-cotton guy in a Dacron/polyester world.
  • jimjustsaying's Tip o' the Week: Never play poker with a man named Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never name your daughter Polly Esther.
  • Do they make partial toupees? (What would they call them--throw rugs?)
  • Faded Verbiage of the Week: "Let's get down to brass tacks." "Knee high to a grasshopper." “A penny for your thoughts.”
  • Why do we say "hot and humid" in summer but "cold and damp" in winter? Starting now, I'm going with "hot and damp" in the summer and "cold and humid” in winter. Aren't we talking about the same thing--moisture content in the air? So why the seasonal nomenclature divergence? Help me out here
  • jimjustsaying's Foreign Word With No English Equivalent of the Month: Zeg (Georgian). It means "the day after tomorrow." Seriously, why don't we have a word for that in English? (I'd like to credit this item but can't remember the source. Perhaps there should be an English word for that, too!)
  • "There are three stages of scientific discovery: First, people deny that it is true; then, they deny that it is important; finally, they credit [or blame?] the wrong person."--Alexander von Humboldt, 19th Century naturalist
  • Don't put your mouth where your money is. According to a New York study, 3,000 types of bacteria were found on a dollar bill, one of them the kind that causes acne.
  • Workplace Woe: When the boss you absolutely hate is on vacation the same time you are.
  • One sure way to deal with the brutal education budget cuts and keep good teachers teaching is to get the schools out of the food-service business!
  • Breakfast and lunch at school? Before you know it, they'll be serving dinner, Sunday brunch and midnight snacks! The 3 R's now are apparently reading, 'riting and restaurant!
  • There will never be a Mitch McConnell Look-Alike Contest.
  • Drudging Around: NYC council candidate caught with dominatrix in leaked BDSM video . . . Woman claims she’s in love in alien after UFO abduction . . . Explicit sex guide on Norwegian public television causes stir . . . Billionaires receive stimulus checks! . . . Pack of wolves chases actors on stage at theater . . . Naked man breaks into Bel Air home, kills pets . . . Waitress kidnapped after confronting non-paying customers . . . Inside dog “factory farm” from hell . . . Real-life Tarzan lived 41 years not knowing women existed, ate rat heads . . . Twisted Cannes: Movie about woman who has sex with car takes Palme d’Or . . . Future Jeeps will be able to drive underwater, CEO says. (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators for this month’s forehead slappers.)
  • "The neurotic has problems; the psychotic has solutions."--Psychiatrist Thomas Szasz
  • jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week: "Say (actual fellow partygoer's name here), did you know that there’s a spider that secretes a webbing 25 times more powerful than steel, a moth that sends sonic illusions to jam bats’ radar and a termite that can shoot poisonous glue out of its face?" (Thanks to Wired magazine for making me the sparkling party conversationalist people say that I am.)
  • Newspaper Obituary Headline of the Month: Kris L. "Wackky" Gapko, Kenosha News, April 10, 2021. R.I.P., Mr. Gapko
  • “City traffic engineer Ben Robinson said additional steps have been taken to relive traffic congestion.”—"Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel (Pocket Books).
  • jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: Execuglide. n. To propel oneself around an office without getting up from a chair that has wheels.—“More Sniglets, Rich Hall and Friends (Collier Books).
  • Today's Latin Lesson: Ego sum rumex si I've ledo vos. ("I'm sorry if I've offended you.")

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