Sunday, September 26, 2021

POPCORN

 By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 
about the absurdities of contemporary life

  • I didn't have an imaginary friend when I was a kid.  I had an imaginary bully!
  • We're already into the era of police body cams.  What's next?  Doctor/surgeon cams? Bartender cams? You know, anything to protect against a lawsuit . . . .
  • I think this country started to go to hell when people started using “party” as a verb.
  • Maybe I’m a bit out of touch, but when I saw the participants listed for a "Comedy Central Roast" on the TV schedule recently, I didn't recognize either the roastee (James Franco) or most of the roasters (too obscure to mention much less recall)!  You could say I have a beef about roasts!
  • I've never been to Malaysia, but my pants have!
  • Fashion Prediction:  Spats will not be making a comeback.  (But, hey, I've been wrong before?  I mean, who saw nose rings coming?)
  • Does anyone really understand the process of dry cleaning?
  • Imponderable:  A comic who name escapes me has asked: "Why are the Three Musketeers shown holding swords instead of muskets?"
  • My question:  "Why aren't they shown eating candy bars?"
  • “There was more good acting at Hollywood parties than ever appeared on the screen.”--Bette Davis
  • Drudging Around:  Student tattoos Covid certificate barcode on arm . . . Toddler survives three nights in forest with bears and wolves . . . POT BELLY:  Man denied owning “very large bag of marijuana” that fell from his shirt . . . Man high on mushrooms shoots 2 at Miami restaurant . . . California considers paying drug addicts to stay clean . . . Could bats hold secret to healthy aging? . . . Parents ordered to pay $45k for tossing son’s porn, sex toy collection . . . Why pigeons mean peril for satellite broadband . . . Porn star says sex with 13-year-old boy ISN’T rape . . . Women more attracted to men who mumble? . . . With no tourist handouts, hungry Bali monkeys raiding homes . . . Naked woman drive golf cart through scene of armed standoff . . . Residents stunned as pack of zebras roam Maryland yards . . . Elder egged by woman in monkey mask . . . Brains of people who hoped to be brought back to life stolen from lab . . . Horrifying tale of prostitute orangutan chained to bed . . . Body composting “green” alternative to cremation, burial . . . More than 40 percent want to sleep with a sex robot . . . STUDY:  Filthiest part of bathroom?  Towel rack! . . . Their baby died in the hospital.  Then came the $257,000 bill . . . Colombia to give workers paid time off to mourn dead PETS.  (Thanks, as always, to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators for this month’s jawdroppers.)
  • Remember when a phone rang . . . and there was no doubt that it was a phone that was ringing?  Now you don't know whose phone it is--or even if it is a phone or a radio or some random noise.   Enough already!   (And, as always, avoid making eye contact with anyone who has an absurdly tacky ring tone. Especially if it’s the theme from “The Godfather.”)
  • jimjustsaying’s Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month:  “Hijack.”  As in, Jack “Hijack” Hanson, Jr., Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Sept. 1, 2021.
  • Speaking of obituaries, when did it become acceptable to list a slew of children as survivors of a man or woman with no reference to a spouse or partner of any kind? That wouldn't happen in any newspaper that I owned.  No mention, no obit. 
  • “I had one anchovy. That's why I didn't have two anchovies.”--Mitch Hedberg
  • Our Crazy World:  You'd think that with the number of physically grueling construction jobs having shrunk, disability awards would have plummeted.  But the opposite is true; they have gone up!  (So says Robert J. Samuelson of the Washington Post, citing research by economist David Autor of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.)
  • Instant analysis: Either the work has gotten more perilous, or the workers more inept or careless.   Can’t rule out chicanery, either.
  • Ain’t It the Truth Dept.: Some people are like a callus--they never show up until the work is finished.
  • Amazingly, we're apparently on the verge of becoming a crime-free society, as we proceed to decriminalize everything from marijuana possession to you-name-it. 
  • Of course, this comes in an era when no one is "manic-depressive" but "bipolar."  So it's not much of a stretch to reclassify "serial killers" as "prolific-demise facilitators."   And a "hit man" as an "eternal reward concierge."   You get the picture.  Rapists could be said to have a "carnal-related flawed impulse control."   Thieves?  They're merely "overly acquisitive," aren't they?  (Stay tuned for more euphemistic, "politically correct" obfuscations.)
  • All-Overrated Team (all-Al Division):   Alec Baldwin, Al Michaels and Al Sharpton.
  • “Besides the damning testimony and spelling evidence, there was the testifony of a sporting goods store owner.—Knoxville (Tenn.) Journal, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.
  • jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month:  Spagellum.  n. The loose strand of each forkful of spaghetti that beats one about the chin and whiskers.—“More Sniglets," Rich Hall and Friends.
  • Overheard: “We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.”
  • jimjustsaying’s Party Icebreaker of the Month:  “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that although the TV show “Friends” is all about life in New York City, the entire show was filmed in California?”
  • Memo to Apple and other appitators:  Where's the dishwashing app?  The bedmaking app?  The laundry-folding app? I already know where the nearest restaurants or gas stations are.  
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  Haud alio viaticus has umquam been hilaris reverto.   ("No one's money has ever been cheerfully refunded.")


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