Wednesday, June 1, 2022


                                                        By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations

about the absurdities of contemporary life

  • Green olives, bottles; black olives, cans. Discuss.
  • I’ve never seen a service animal that wasn’t doing an exemplary job. People? Not so much. But their devices are always working overtime.
  • There are no slacker service animals. They’re so skilled, gentle and dedicated that it can move you to tears.
  • Based on what I’m seeing on baseball telecasts, I think it’s high time to revise some of the lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”: “Buy me some nachos and Cracker Jack, I’ll send you a selfie before I get back, for it’s . . . .” 
  • He said it: “Never belong to a club that would have you as a member!”—Groucho Marx
  • She said it: “No matter how cynical you may become, it’s never enough to keep up!”—Lily Tomlin
  • jimjustsaying’s Fortune Cookie Message of the Month (courtesy of Lucky Liu’s, Milwaukee): “A bit of coin will fall into your wallet this month.” (Whew! For a moment, I thought it said “bitcoin.” Almost got a case of the crypto creeps!)
  • This just in, a Washington Post story titled “Crypto is a solution in search of a problem.” Subtitle: “Crypto is dropping like a rock. Here's why that's a good thing.” (See my Link Tank in for the full story.)
  • Speaking of current trends, check this May 26 headline: “Pickleball Is the Wild, Wild West’: Inside the Fight Over the Fastest-Growing Sport in America”
  • Good Lord! Can’t we do anything in this country without distorting it and contorting it and ruining it? Facebook started as a college’s boy messaging service for “rating girls,” and now it supposedly has become a subversive propaganda vehicle and a threat to our democracy that has come under heavy government scrutiny. Ditto Twitter and that out-of-control billionaire Elon Musk.
  • Whatever happened to Faye Dunaway? (According to recent reports, she’s alive and well and writing a tell-all to “even a few scores.”)
  • jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month (a word no normal person ever uses but is often encountered in newspaper headlines and stories): Travails
  • Redundancy Patrol: ATM machine, VIN number, revert back.
  • All Over-Rated Team (in this case, “The G Team”): Whoopi Goldberg, Jim Gaffigan and Greg Gutfeld.
  • Shouldn't public-service ads (or those tag lines at the end of beer commercials) say "Please drive responsibly" instead of "Please drink responsibly"? If you're home alone, I don't much care if you drink irresponsibly (as long as you don't "drunk dial" me!).
  • Memo to magazine publishers: Stop sending me renewal notices six or more months prior to my renewal date. It’s annoying, a waste of paper, and I know full well I’m going to get a better deal if I hold out until the last minute. (But it must pay off for them or they wouldn’t be doing it.)
  • Overheard: “Stay away from ‘still’ people: Still broke, still complaining, still hating, still nowhere.”
  • I just read that the Chicago Police Department has 25 mounted officers and 30 horses. That could mean that right now there are 5 horses running around arresting people all by themselves!
  • A wise man once said that a good work ethic also requires a good rest ethic
  • Two statements that are probably applicable in almost every case or situation: The truth probably lies somewhere in between . . . or there’s probably enough blame to go around.
  • Why can you get brown rice in any grocery store but never in any Chinese restaurant? Discuss.
  • It never fails: My transaction at the post office usually takes about 20 seconds, but the person before me? Must have been trying to send weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea. (Unwrapped, of course.)
  • Vastly underrated life skill: Being able to flawlessly giftwrap a Christmas or birthday present.
  • Most people hate the sound of their own voices, the sight of their own photos or their inability to giftwrap anything.
  • Overheard: “The best way to truly surprise someone at a surprise party is to hold it a week late.”
  • If you’ve never checked the pressure on your spare tire, feel no guilt. Your current car probably doesn’t have one.
  • About the only thing my first car (1954 Chevrolet Bel Air) and my current car (2016 Chevrolet Impala) have in common: No CD player! (CD players in cars lasted about as long as the Sony Mini Disc or the video disc.)
  • Newspaper ad: "You're invited to a Free Gourmet Dinner--Exclusively for Women with Low Thyroid." (Let's see: Tuesday--Mexican night; Wednesday--Stir-Fry Special; Thursday--Low-Thyroid Gals Night Out! Got it!)
  • jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Bumpy.” As in, William “Bumpy” Blaser, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, May 18, 2022. R.I.P., Bumpy.
  • Belated Mother’s Day sentiment, via Canadian author Susan Gale: “Mothers are the glue. Even when you cannot see them, they are still holding the family together.”
  • Drudging around: ‘Dead’ woman bangs on coffin to say she’s alive during funeral . . . Woman investigating dog attack killed by pack of dogs . . . STUDY: Direction your bed faces could be making you sick . . . Shanghai woman lived in phone booth for month . . . Robot chef learns to taste, chew, alter seasoning . . . Oregon law requires menstrual products in boys’ bathrooms? . . . Man dies of heart attack burying woman he strangled . . . STUDY: Psychopaths have bigger brains . . . Calling men “bald” counts as sex harassment, UK tribunal rules . . . City puts limits on how long a dog can bark . . . Arby’s manager seen in video peeing in milkshakes . . . Couple sues only son for not giving them grandchildren . . . Pope’s secret recipe to treat bad knee is tequila . . . Brain-altering parasite makes infected people appear more attractive to others . . . American girls now reaching puberty as young as 6 . . . Invasive jumping worms make way to Calif., worrying scientists . . . Is Happy the Elephant legally a person? Court to decide . . . North Carolina priest ditches job to become gay porn star at 83 . . . Rattlesnake population booming in California . . . They’re hazing bears with paintball guns in Tahoe . . . Rio airport screens show porn. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of earnest aggregators.)
  • jimjustsaying's Product of the Week: Orcon LB-C1500 Live Ladybugs, Guaranteed Live. Approximately 1,500 Count, $16.00.
  • “When frying chicken, use a frying pan large enough so pieces will fit without crowing.”—Brattleboro (Vt.) Daily Reformer. —“Still More Press Boners,” Earle Tempel.
  • jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Schlitzstop.” n. The one player in amateur softball games who thinks he can handle his position and a can of beer at the same time. —Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe,” Rich Hall and Friends.
  • I like sweet potatoes--and the beta carotene is a nice bonus. (Frankly, I prefer alpha carotene, but, hey--that's just me! It’s an acquired taste.)
  • Today's Latin Lesson: Haud, muneris, illic nusquam in vehiculum vos postulo ut fatigo super. ("No, officer, there's nothing in the car you need to be concerned about.")
  • Special thanks to Kaye Pasa, this month’s Popcorn intern

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