POPCORN

REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE FCC AND DOJ

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 

about the absurdities of contemporary life 



• Decency in politics and civility in society haven't disappeared.  Why, they're as easy to find as your local neighborhood Radio Shack.
• A Polish sausage is a hot dog with an attitude.
• Headline: “Kissinger warns that USA is moving toward the brink with China, Russia.”  All those who thought Henry was no longer with us, raise your hands.  (Guilty.  But he is 99, so I doubt he’s buying any green bananas these days.)
• ·        Headline: “Kissinger warms that USA is moving toward the brink with China, Russia.”  All those who thought Henry was no longer with us, raise your hands.  (Guilty.  But he is 99, so I doubt he’s buying any green bananas these days.)
• I thought Johnny Appleseed was a mythical creature.  Turns out he was a real person—John Chapman—who traveled from his Massachusetts home to Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana planting the seeds of a fruit—our “all-American” apple—that was really indigenous to central Asia.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• Hot on the heels of the monkey pox madness comes a new concern:  the “tomato flu,” so-called because of the painful red blisters that erupt on the body.  (I can’t help but recall periodic “SNL” sketches titled, alternately, “More Diseases to Worry About” or “More Insects to Worry About,” usually featuring Gilda Radner or Jane Curtin as the hand-wringing chief worriers.)
• Gender Reveal Parties: If there is a social aberration that defines the "Dancing with the Stars"/head-to-toe-tattoo generation, that would be it.  (Here at the senior building, I'm advocating a Surgical Scars Reveal Party.)
• Stop the World Dept.:  Did you know that there are mini-bars in the back of Ubers?
• ·        Stop the World Dept.:  Did you know that there are mini-bars in the back of Ubers!
• Stop the World Dept. II: Rap star Snoop Dogg, well known for his cannabis addiction and his recent quirky alliance with Martha Stewart, is releasing a new product—a breakfast cereal called Snoop Loopz.  My question: Do you eat it . . . or smoke it?  More on this story as it develops!
• I just finished reading a magazine article about "The colonization of space."  Great idea!  Now that we've repaired all our crumbling infrastructure, fixed our broken health-care system, solved all the Earthly environmental problems and eliminated our huge federal deficit, what better place for our tax dollars than outer space?
• Life was simpler when we didn't have to keep track of charging cords, user names and passwords  . . . and the time and date of the next Gender Reveal Party.
• ·        Life was simpler when we didn't have to keep track of charging cords, user names and passwords  . . . and the time and date of the next Gender Reveal Party.
• You don't hear much about think tanks anymore.  Did these people stop thinking . . . or did they get tired of tanks and moved on to something else?  Tents?  Cubicles? Pods? B&Bs?
• jimjustsaying sadly presents the . . . Failed Restaurant Franchises Hall of Shame: 
• Beefsteak Charlie's, Red Barn, Horn and Hardart, Burger Chef, Lum's, Steak and Ale, White Tower, Minnie Pearl's Chicken, Sambo's, Henry's Hamburgers, Naugle's, Chi-Chi's, Bennigan's, Ponderosa and Bonanza Steakhouses, Bob's Big Boy, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Doggie Diner, A&W Drive Ins, Po' Folks, Country Kitchen, TCBY, Tony Roma's, and Blimpie Subs and Salads. (Say what you want about McDonald’s and KFC, but they appear to have the recipe for longevity.)
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that Florida is the flattest state in America?"  
• In descending order of flatness: Florida, Illinois, North Dakota, Louisiana, Minnesota, Delaware and Kansas.  
• ·        In descending order of flatness: Florida, Illinois, North Dakota, Louisiana, Minnesota, Delaware, Kansas.  
• And if you thought Alaska, California or Colorado were the most mountainous states in the country, you'd be wrong.  Those states also contain extensive plains and relatively flat valleys. 
• Our most mountainous state?  West Virginia, although its highest peak, Spruce Mountain, is only about 4,864 feet in height.  (Thanks to WGN-TV's Tom Skilling, who stands tallest among the meteorologists of America, for that valuable information.)
• jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month:  A word you only see in newspaper headlines but one that you never hear a real person use:  Decry/decried.  (It’s in the arsenal of headlinese words such as ire, quash, embattled, embroiled and spar.  And that old standby—eye, as a verb!)
• ·        Jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month:  A word you only see in newspaper headlines but one that you never hear a real person use:  Decry/decried.  (It’s in the arsenal of headlinese words such as ire, quash, embattled, embroiled and spar.  And that old standby—eye, as a verb!)
• You Never Know What's Going On Next Door department: "Officials Find More Than 250 Snakes, Alligators and Skunks in Montgomery County (Pa.) Home."  (Yeah, the reptiles are not going to be enough of a nuisance and a danger, so throw in some skunks for good measure!  Good plan.)
• Actual Newspaper Correction (Lifetime Achievement Award):  "The crossword puzzle that should have appeared in today's edition appeared instead in yesterday's, together with the answer to the puzzle that should have been printed yesterday.  Therefore, the puzzle that should have appeared yesterday is in today's paper, together with the answer to Wednesday's puzzle.  The puzzle for today and the answer to the one that should have been printed yesterday are reprinted.--Lewiston (Idaho) Tribune, per "Still More Press Boners," by Earle Tempel
• Never eat at a place called Mom’s, never play poker with a man named Doc . . . and never enter a store called a Shoppe.  (Shoppe: A pretentious spelling for a store with overpriced merchandise. Avoid at all costs---pun intended.)
• He said it: "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."—H.L. Mencken
• ·        He said it: "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."—H.L. Mencken
• She said it: “We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ― Anaïs Nin.
• Signs of the Times (from Consumer Reports):
• Challenge: Figure out when this eatery is hoping you’ll stop by.
• 
  
  
  
  
  
• And if your sweet tooth is calling, maybe try another flavor.
• The trouble with wearing T-shirts with clever sayings on them:
• --Not everyone thinks they're clever.
• --People who do appreciate the shirt also realize that you're just wearing what the actual clever person wrote . . . and that you're most likely not that clever.  (Or maybe not that tacky, depending on the shirt, in which case you might actually look better in comparison.  Or . . . maybe not.)
• --People also realize that you paid money to look clever; and that the person who wrote it received money and probably doesn't wear T-shirts with clever sayings on them . . . and wouldn't be caught dead wearing a "SARCASM/just another service I offer" T-shirt.   Or a "JENIUS" T-shirt . . . or "I recycle . . . I wore this shirt yesterday" T-shirt.  (I'm just sayin'. Your wardrobe may vary.  And I hope it does.)
• You spend $8 at a Chinese restaurant and get a fortune cookie.  You spend $28 for a Porterhouse at a steak house and have the good fortune of paying "$2.75 extra for mushrooms." (No salt and pepper surcharge, at least that I know of.)
• Does anyone really understand the process of dry cleaning?
• ·        Does anyone really understand the process of dry cleaning? 
• About those Seven Deadly Sins:  There should be an Eighth--Ingratitude!  (All-time favorite proverb:  "No good deed goes unpunished.")
• Is there a support group for support groups?
• Ever wonder how they come up with names of products?  I mean, who is Mr. PiBB, anyway?  
• People will agree to do just about anything--as long as it’s far enough in the future.
• ("Hey, Ralph:  Help me paint the garage on Saturday?"  "Um, gee, Jim--I think we've got something planned."  "OK, how about Aug. 21, 2028?" "Sure, Jim--no problem! What time?")
• ·        People will agree to do just about anything--as long as its far enough in the future.
• ·        ("Hey, Ralph:  Help me paint the garage on Saturday?"  "Um, gee, Jim--I think we've got something planned."  "OK, how about Aug. 21, 2028?" "Sure, Jim--no problem! What time?")
• Translating "Police Speak":  "Displayed a revolver."  Pulled a gun. 
• I think the first course taught at the police academy is Stilted Speak. (“Don’t say we caught the guy red-handed.” Instead say, “We apprehended the suspect after observing him in the alleged commission of a felony.” You hear variations of this every night on the 10 o’clock news.)
•  jimjustsaying’s Misleading Term of the Week:  "World-class."  As in: [So and so] is a "world-class violinist."  Maddeningly nebulous!  If I'm the world's worst musician/poker player/sculptor/whatever, that's "world-class," too--just the other end of the spectrum!  (To me, there’s obviously no such thing as being too pedantic.)
• ·         jimjustsaying’s Meaningless Term of the Week:  "World-class."  As in:  [So and so] is a "world-class violinist."  Maddeningly vague!  If I'm the world's worst musician/poker play/sculptor,/whatever, that's "world-class" too--just the other end of the spectrum!  (To me there’s obviously no such thing as being too pedantic.)
• Whatever happened to longtime game-show host Peter Marshall?  Fun fact: He was born Ralph Pierre LaCock . . . and had a son, Pete LaCock (who went by that name) who played first base for nine years for the Chicago Cubs and the Kansas City Royals.  (Batted left, threw left.  Pretty good player.) Who else would tell you these things? 
• jimjustsaying’s Word that Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month:  Negatile:  n. An area of the bathroom floor that, somehow, registers you five pounds lighter.
• If you still have your high school graduation tassels hanging from your rear-view mirror, you are most likely a danger to yourself and others.  (Counselors are standing by.)
• To all those who wrote in:  Yes, I'm working on my memoirs.  Working title: "Egg On My Face (With More Than a Trace of Ham)."
• ·         If you still have your high school graduation tassels hanging from your rear-view mirror, you are most likely a danger to yourself and others.  (Counselors are standing by.)
• ·        To all those who wrote in:  Yes, I'm still working on my memoirs.  Working title: "Egg On My Face (With More Than a Trace of Ham)."
• DRUDGING AROUND: More women embracing gray: The Silver Revolution . . . Woman driving golf cart busted for DUI on I-95 . . . STUDY: Anxious dogs calmed by reggae and soft rock . . . Respected snake researcher dies from rattlesnake bite . . . Biggest polio threat in years sparks alarms from NY to CA . . . Body found sitting in chair in Sierra home, likely for years . . . How lawyer’s bragging prompted judge to throw out winning malpractice verdict . . . NEXT:  Tomato flu! . . . Teen prescribed 10 psychiatric drugs—and she’s not alone . . .  (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.) 
• jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Joe Schmear.” As in Jack R. “Joe Schmear” Mueller, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, June 12, 2022. R.I.P., Joe.
• "Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat."--Wilson Mizner, American playwright.
• ·        "Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat."--Wilson Mizner, American playwright.
• ·        When's the last time you saw a kid playing marbles?
• ·        "Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat."--Wilson Mizner, American playwright. 
• jimjustsaying's Faded Phrase of the Month:  "Knee high to a grasshopper." 
• Today's Latin Lesson: Cur quae cadunt in area semper est aliquid sub virtualiter inaccessibilis evolvere? ("Why do things that fall on the floor always roll under something virtually inaccessible?")
  
  
  Special thanks to Dee Rigueur, this month’s Popcorn intern.