Sunday, September 15, 2013

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life.
  • Why didn't they have a re-dial feature on rotary phones--back when we really needed it?
  • Red-ink pens leak more.
  • Speaking of red, it looks like the President's "red line" was really a  . . . pink line?  (I'm just sayin'.)
  • Why do still-life artists paint bowls of fruit all the time?  What have they got against carrots and green beans?
  • I don't care what they say:  Green Bay won't be a true sports town until it gets a roller derby franchise.
  • I hear economists talking all the time about the "ripple effect."  What on Earth does drinking cheap wine have to do with the stock market?
  • All those who've actually experienced actual tooth-whitening from so-called tooth-whitening toothpastes, raise your hands.  (And then bare your teeth.)
  • Headline:  "E-cigarette use rising among youth."  (No word yet on the e-cigar use among older folks.   And are e-pipes in the pipeline?)
  • Baseball Roundup:
  • Sign on door of Detroit Tigers visitors' clubhouse:  "No Visitors."
  • "Listen up!  I have nothing to say, and I'm only going to say it once!"--Yankees manager Yogi Berra to reporters.
  • "Gentlemen, that was a real cliff-dweller!"--New York Mets manager Wes Westrum on a hard-fought game.
  • "They shouldn't throw at me.  I'm the father of five or six kids."--former Giants infielder Tito Fuentes.
  • Remember when the substance most abused by children was chewing gum?
  • I don't think Alexander Graham Bell, smart as he was, envisioned "smart phones."
  • Call me an elitist snob (as many have), but I couldn't pick Ryan Seacrest out of a police lineup if my life depended on it.
  • Whatever happened to Mary Hart?
  • Quick now:  How many of you married people could put your hands on your marriage license inside of five minutes?  Five hours?  Five days?  But your driver's license?  Almost instantly!
  • When people say " . . . When I'm six feet under," they're speaking proverbially, not factually.  Graves are now dug five feet deep, not six, due to improvements in caskets and burial vaults.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but true nonetheless!)  And even though cremation has taken over in a big way, I've never heard someone say " . . . . When I'm in a mantelpiece urn."  (I'm just sayin'.)
  • More words you see in print but never hear anyone use in real life:  "Beaker," "excrement" and "petroleum jelly."
  • Three things I've never done:  Worn long underwear,  ordered a daiquiri, or smeared a beaker with petroleum jelly.
  • I wonder what they did in Medieval times about static cling.
  • Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week:  "Pruney."  As in, Vernon "Pruney" Nelezen, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, April 16, 2013.  R.I.P.,  Mr. Nelezen.
  • Forty-seventh Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary:  Askeaton.  (R.I.P. , Lorraine S. Burns,  Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Aug. 15, 2013).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, and Dunbar.
  • Today's Latin Lesson: Operor non dico mihi, ego mos dico vos.  ("Don't call me, I'll call you.")

Thursday, August 15, 2013

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life.
  • I never metamorphosis I didn’t like.
  • Dissecting a frog—fairly easy.  Putting the frog back together again . . . not so much.
  • Rumor has it that the Republican Party folks, if they get health-care reform repealed, are going after sliced bread!
  • Why all these commercials lately about reptile dysfunction?  What am I missing here?
  • Speaking of commercials, I can't remember the last toothpaste commercial I saw.   
  • There will never be a Gilbert Gottfried Lookalike Contest.  (Or a Gilbert Gottfried toothpaste commercial, now that I think about it.)
  • Three TV shows I never watch:  "Dancing With the Stars," "America's Funniest Home Videos," and "Babe Winkelman's Outdoor Secrets."
  • Gardeners:  Don’t fret if your stuff doesn’t come up looking like the pictures in the seed catalog.  Those pictures were posed by professional vegetables.
  • "Time was, you used to have to actually spew racial hate to be a racist; nowadays, any opinion that somebody doesn’t like will do. "--Columnist Neil Steinberg, Chicago Sun-Times
  • A hot dog at the ballpark beats roast beef at the Ritz."--Humphrey Bogart
  • We've all heard it, this creeping commercialization cum sponsor plugola that accompanies the most routine baseball action:  "Let's set the Pepsi defense for you."  "Here's the Verizon call to the pen." "This pitching change is brought to you by . . . ."
  • I see this going even further--that, in time,  players will be strictly referred to as products:  "Well, Ralph, I see Exxon Mobil is warming up in the bullpen . . . and it looks like Taco Bell is putting on a batting helmet in the dugout, so it looks like he's going to pinch hit for State Farm."  
  • It could get worse:   "This between-innings Announcer Bathroom Visit is brought to you by Quilted Northern, the official bathroom tissue of the Milwaukee Brewers . . . ."
  • With two you get egg roll:  Recent fortune cookies:  "A leader is a person you will follow to a place you wouldn't go yourself."  And  . . . "Optimists believe we live in the best of worlds,  and pessimists fear this is true."
  • "Never tell your problems to anyone. Twenty percent don’t care, and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.”--Football coach Lou Holtz
  • Which will come first:  Peace in the Middle East or an English-speaking pope?  (I'm just sayin'.)
  • "We all know the same truth, and our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."--Woody Allen
  • jimjustsaying's Media Word of the Week (a word you only see in print but never ever hear a normal person use in real life):  "Gambit."
  • Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week:  "Kraut."  As in David H. "Kraut" Kurowski, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, April 9, 2013.  R.I.P.,  Mr. Kurowski.
  • How come nutritionists never talk about "roughage" anymore?  Has it been upgraded to "dietary fiber"?
  • CD Title of the Week:  "Frank Zappa:  A Token of His Extreme."
  • Zappa is also responsible for one of my favorite all-time song titles ("Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?") and favorite album cover ("Weasels Ripped My Flesh!").   Honorable Mention, Zappa Song Title Division:  "Brown Shoes Don't Make It."
  • There will never be another Walter Cronkite.  The position of "America's Most Trusted Man" has been open for a long, long time.  ("Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio . . . .")
  • I don't know about you, but I sleep soundly knowing that Storm Team 5 is looking out for me. 
  • But I wish they'd all stop referring to tomorrow's temperature as "your temperature tomorrow."  That pronoun isn't making me feel any warmer toward the station.  (And, besides, how do they know what my temperature is going to be tomorrow?)
  • Who decided there would be only two kinds of cole slaw--creamy and vinegary?  Is a third variety out of the question?   (Barbecue slaw!  A breakthrough?  Is the country ready for Dijon cole slaw? Discuss!)
  • If you think you can do the impossible, try finding the "Cancel Subscription" option in any media "customer service" site.  Good luck!   
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  Ut non venio!  ("That's not happening!")

Sunday, July 14, 2013

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life
  • Show me a kid who prefers white milk to chocolate milk, and I'll show you a future claims adjuster!  
  • What I wouldn't give for a button on the remote control (or a Menu setting) that would make those irritating and relentless "crawls" disappear from the bottom of the TV screen.  (Ditto for those intrusive pop-up promo logos, or whatever they are.)
  • Speaking of TV . . .  here's a message for our sponsors:  My name isn't "America" (or "Chicago," or any other city name, for that matter), so commercials that begin with "Hey, America . . . " (or worse yet, "Listen up, America . . .") are almost guaranteed to make me mute the sound, change the channel or avoid your product.
  • Why are bowlers sometimes referred to (primarily in the sports pages) as keglers?  Nobody refers to bowling as kegling--at least not in this country!  
  • "Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant--it tends to get worse!--Journalist Molly Ivins
  • Last fortune cookie received:  "Don't ignore minor detail; they are the key to your success."
  • (You mean, minor details like subject-verb agreement?)
  • "We had better create a French music--and without sauerkraut."--French composer Erik Satie to Claude Debussy as the German Romanticism of Anton Bruckner, Hugo Wolf and Richard Wagner appeared headed to a dead end. --David Dubal in the Wall St. Journal
  • jimjustsaying's Weird Crime of the Week:  Officials in Hebron, Md., arrested a 60-year-old man who allegedly went into a supermarket, poked holes in packages of meat and moved chicken from refrigerated cases so they would spoil.  He was charged with five counts of malicious destruction of property.
  • "There is one word in America that says it all, and that one word is, 'You never know.'"--former major-league pitcher Joaquin Andujar
  • Speaking of baseball, isn't it about time to scuttle the so-called All-Star Game?   When you consider the injuries that usually result in a half dozen or so substitutes thrown into the fray, the absence of star pitchers who can't or won't participate because they worked in the previous Sunday's game and the suspicion that many of the game's elite are chemically enhanced, the game loses much of its former luster.   
  • Add to that the absurd Home Run Derby  (guys going way off their game by overswinging at powder-puff pitches) and the prima-donna posturing ("If I ain't startin', I ain't departin'") plus the galling reminders that overpaid blokes like Albert Pujols are getting X million dollars as part of their "incentive clauses" for making the team . . . . If the game wants to take a four-day break, take it.  Just spare us the distorted and increasingly annoying spectacle.
  • "A pessimist gets nothing but pleasant surprises."--Mystery writer Rex Stout
  •  Another Product You Probably Didn't Know is Sold by Amazon.com:  Hawbakers Coyote and Wolf Gland Lure.
  • jimjustsaying's  Dumb Idiom of the Week: "Miss out."  Is it possible to "miss in"? 
  •  " . . . [R]estaurants have a sweet spot that sometimes lasts for only a year or two, when the chef is really invested in it.  But when that chef becomes well-known and famous and wants to scale up and open another venture and the concept becomes kind of played out and might become dumbed down, you see a decline in quality there. I think part of the problem, too, is basically in all of the arts  . . . there's always a demand in kind of a capitalist system to grow--let's grow, let's grow--and a lot of things when it comes to creativity are really hard to scale up."--Statistics expert Nate Silver 
  •  Another jimjustsaying Media Word, a word you encounter only in print but never hear a normal person use in real life:  "Besmirched."
  • When someone says a mass or serial killer was "kind of a loner," that doesn't reveal much of anything.   Of course, they're loners.  It's not like a Tuesday bowling night with the boys!
  • Has anyone else but me grabbed someone's body wash instead of shampoo in the shower?  
  • Nicest thing about my 90-pound weight loss:  My Love Handles shrunk down to Like Handles, then down to Nodding Acquaintance handles, and, finally,  down to Won't-Even-Give-You-The-Damned-Time-of-Day Handles!
  • Newspaper Obituary Headline of the Week:  "Tiger."  As in Elmer "Tiger" Bruening (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, March 5,  2013). R.I.P., Mr. Bruening.
  • Do people still put little pieces of toilet paper on their shaving cuts?
  • I heard the drought is so bad in the Southwest that one bar is holding damp T-shirt contests.
  • Forty-sixth Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary:  Dunbar.  (R.I.P. James Erickson, Green-Bay Press Gazette obituary, May 17, 2013).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles and Morrison.
  • "The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."--Julia Child
  • Today's Latin Lesson: Mane volucris gets vermis , tamen quisnam volo vermis pro ientaculum?  ("The early bird gets the worm, but who wants worms for breakfast?")

BASEBALL'S DESIGNATED HITTER--THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

BY JIM SZANTOR

Although I have been opposed to the designated hitter since Ron Blomberg took the first swing at that “position” on April 6, 1973 (and walked with the bases loaded against Luis Tiant of the Boston Red Sox), I’m also a realist and realize that this well-entrenched facet of modern American League baseball is dear to the hearts of the Players’ Association and is going to be an issue when the Basic Agreement expires.

It has been stated of late that the DH is “non-negotiable,” but some analysts have also written that the union would consider negotiating it away in favor of, say, 26-man rosters, among other concessions.

How, then, to deal with the designated hitter in a manner that would be beneficial to both pro- and anti-DH forces?  Simple. Merely keep the DH.  In fact, put it in both leagues!  But  . . .  in only one game per series.

That’s right.  What sounds like something anathema to so-called “purists” would, as I will show, be an asset to the game rather than a detriment and would mollify the union by providing employment for at least a few older or one-dimensional players.

The new DH regimen would work like this: Once in a series, a manager could elect to use the designated hitter—even if the opposing manager was not using it in that game. (See Surprise Element below.) What is central to this idea is that it counters the anti-DH forces’ argument that the rule eliminates a lot of the second-guessing that is so much a part of the traditional game; my idea, in fact, creates more fodder for the armchair manager.  You could have a three-game series in which the visiting team uses the DH in Game 1, no one does in Game 2, and the home team uses it in Game 3.  Or, the middle game could have both teams using it, with the first and last games DH-less.

Consider some possibilities:  You have your No. 1 starter going against the other team’s No. 1 starter.  Is it a no-brainer that you use the DH in such a matchup . . . or do you reason that your No. 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 starter needs the help more than the No. 1 guy?  Or . . . how about a matchup pitting your No. 1 guy against the opposition’s No. 4 or No. 5 starter.  You could reason that it would be a waste of the DH opportunity in that situation, but what if the No. 1 starter has had a run of hard luck/non-support lately? You might then want to give him the added bat to help his confidence/morale (Not to mention another W in the standings).

Another possible factor with the Once-Per-Series DH: Is your starter that day also a good hitter, a la Hall of Famer Ferguson Jenkins of the Cubs back in the proverbial day? Then you might want to save the DH for another day in that series.  But not all the time, because you don’t want your complete-athlete ace to feel that he is never going to get the benefit of (a) the added bat and (b) the chance to stay in a close game longer.  And, of course, there’s always the added risk of injury every time your ace steps into the batter’s box or runs the bases.   And if it's late in the season--or a very hot day--well, the extra exertion may cost him mound effectiveness and minimize the "importance" of the two-out single he got in the fifth.

This DH system would give pinch-hitting specialists such as Jason Giambi and Eric Hinske more AB opportunities and help them stay sharp. They could get eight or ten ABs in two days (the last game of one series, the first game of the next), making them theoretically more prepared for their next game-on-the-line pinch-hitting assignment.  (All without having to put them in the field, where they have never distinguished themselves.)

Let's say the Brewers' catcher Jonathan Lucroy had two homers one night, but in an 11-inning night game.  Normally, manager Ron Roenicke wouldn't start him in the day game that follows, but Lucroy practically "owns" that day-game pitcher.  No problem here: Make him the DH, giving him half a day off and keeping his bat in the lineup--but only if Roenicke hasn't already used the DH in this series.  Again you see the myriad possiblities and the fun of first- or second-guessing.  The complexities are the heart and charm of this idea.

Yet another possibility: The DH use could backfire on a manager.  Suppose the 1998 Cubs were playing the Mets, and manager Jim Riggleman decided to use Glenallen Hill as DH in this particular game. With the score tied in the 9th inning and a left-handed hitter due up, Mets manager Art Howe brings in lefty closer John Franco.  This normally would be a perfect spot for Riggleman to pinch-hit with Hill, who has three lifetime pinch homers against Franco.  Alas, he is already in the game, having been used as the DH.  So again, even though DH has been used, the strategy/second-guessing element is very much alive, something absent in the current AL-only system.

There's even more up side. A player who might normally be placed on the disabled list (in the NL) because of an injury that hampers primarily his throwing might be kept on the active roster because of the new rule. He could still contribute while he heals. Or a player who is actually on the DL could be brought back sooner (say the 15-day rather than the 21-day list) for similar reasons.

And, of course, central to all of this is that the DH would, many times, be in use by only one of the teams in a given game. (The surprise element idea, if workable, would help promote this possibility.) So you might have a crucial late-season Yankee-Red Sox series unfold with the visiting New Yorkers using the DH in the opening game of the series, hoping to get off to a good start, and the host Red Sox saving it for the last game, just in case.  All, of course, leaving room for speculation and second-guessing by the paying customers.

Baseball’s current schedule quirkiness would make this idea all the more fun.  They’re trying to eliminate the two-game series, but there will always be four-game series, so which of the four games will the manager pick?  What about those late-season five-game series created by rainouts? And what will the manager’s record be in DH games vs. non-DH games (giving stats junkies yet another category to play with)?  And does a poor record necessarily mean that the manager picked the wrong games . . . or that his DH du jour hit four screaming liners right at someone?

Postseason?  I see it working this way: The DH would be restricted to one use in a team’s road games, one at home.  Think of the second-guessing/strategic possibilities there!  (You used your DH in the opener at home, and now it’s Game 7 at home and you can’t do it) And think of the mental aspect vis a vis closers in such a format.  One guy has more tough outs than the other if he has to face a DH type.  True, this DH could be the guy he’d be facing as a pinch hitter anyway in the current NL system, but the difference here is that the man isn’t coming up ice cold from the bench—he has had three or four previous at bats.

Too gimmicky? Baseball has not only survived but prospered following the advent of such once-heretical proposals as inter-league play and the wild card and now even a second wild card and instant replay.  But as the years pass, the controversy and debate engendered by those innovations begin to fade.  But this Once-Per-Series DH idea would provide for an endless round of discussion, debate and second-guessing, something the current DH does not.  It’s just there, and although you can debate its raison d’etre, there’s no specific-situation “should he have or shouldn’t he have” material for debate.  At least not as much as is the case with my idea.

Is the designated hitter the way baseball “was meant to be played?”  No.  But the so-called purists neglect to mention that the game originally was played with—what?—nine balls and five strikes? With fans standing in the outfield.  With gloves about one-fourth the size of today’s variety.  With the high mound. With the spitter legal. Without batting helmets, batting gloves and all of the other body armor that today’s players wear. Without lights or domed stadiums. At least this DH idea would have both leagues playing the same way.

At the very least I think this idea merits a one-year trial.

Surprise element:  Though this might run counter to current baseball protocol (the protocol that has managers providing their starting pitching plans a week or so in advance), I envision a surprise element making this DH idea even more intriguing. That is, the opposing manager wouldn’t know until the lineup cards were exchanged if his opponent was using the DH or not. If a manager did want to keep the surprise element alive, he could easily have an extra player or two take batting practice with the regulars, just to keep people guessing.  Then again, managers might figure that the negative aspect (not knowing) cancels out the advantage of keeping the other manager in the dark, so, as with the declaring of starting pitchers, it might be better to just put all the cards on the table and be done with it.

But all that can be worked out if my idea is adopted. Remember, you read it here first!  I'll be glad to lend an innovation to the Grand Old Game, and who knows?  There could be a Jim Szantor Bobblehead Night coming to a stadium near you.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life
  • I'm so old I can remember when car dealers were open on Sunday.
  • Some people say they had an imaginary friend when they were children.  Me?  Not quite . . . I had an  imaginary attorney!  Had him on a retainer.  (Hey, the price was right!)
  • Are you getting as tired of the term "the new normal" as I am?
  • (For one thing, it could be argued that the thinking behind it is inaccurate or a mere copout or downright offensive.   Ask  someone who is or has been been part of the 7.6 to 10  percent or higher unemployment rate if he or she feels or felt "normal.")
  • Actual excerpt from the daily weather column (by meteorologist Michael Fish) in the May 27 Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:  "The good thing about a warm front is that there's warmer air on  the other side."  Who knew?  
  • "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."--Humorist Dave Barry
  • I love it when people use terms or idioms they could probably not define, such as:  "I tell ya, I read him the Riot Act!"   
  • (I'm sure the people who say that know they are referring to a 1714  Act of the Parliament that "authorized British authorities to declare any group of 12 or more people to be unlawfully assembled, and thus have to disperse or face punitive action.  Yeah, right.)
  • When it come to gross, unappealing jobs, exhuming bodies--whether buried last week or 30 years ago--has to be one of the worst.  Next?  Collecting the shopping carts at the store parking lot.  
  • "There is a light at the end of every tunnel.  Some tunnels just happen to be longer than others."--Author Ada Adams
  • News item:  Carol Burnett, who became famous for playing a variety of characters in sketch comedy routines on her eponymous television show, was named the winner of the nation's top humor prize. The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts said Burnett will receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor on Oct. 20 in Washington.  . . . Previous honorees include . . . Tina Fey and Ellen DeGeneres, who won last year.
  • Reaction:  Tina Fey and Ellen DeGeneres received the award BEFORE Carol Burnett?  That's funny, but in a totally different way.  
  • jimjustsaying's Media Word of the Week (a word you only see in print but never ever hear a normal person use in real life):  "Inclement." 
  •  Another product you'd be amazed Amazon.com  sells:  Solid Gold S.E.P. (Stop Eating Poop), 3.5oz, by Solid Gold.
  •  " . . . [I]n theory more data should always help you, though you might encounter some kind of diminishing returns. In practice, probably more data give people more of an opportunity to get confused, more of an opportunity to cherry-pick the results they're looking at." --Statistics expert Nate Silver on the difficulty of predicting success in the entertainment industry
  • Who Knew, Burger Architecture Division:  The White Castle franchise, which claims to be the oldest, originated in Wichita, Kan., but has a Chicago connection, the Tribune reports. Its buildings were loosely modeled after the Water Tower on North Michigan Avenue.
  • Whatever happened to Trini Lopez?
  • Why people  don't like the sound of their own voices:  According to Dr. Edie Hapner, director of speech-language pathology at the Emory Voice Center at Emory University, people don't hear their own voices as others hear them. The voice must travel through the bones of the head before reaching the speaker's ears, changing the way it sounds, says Dr. Hapner. 
  • "It is a lot safer to fly in a plane than it is to fly in a car.--Demetri Martin
  • Obituary Headline Nickname of the Week:  "Chunky."  As in Randy "Chunky" Mielcarek, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Feb. 6, 2013.  R.I.P.,  Mr. Mielcarek.
  • Forty-fifth entry in the Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw it Mentioned in a Newspaper Obituary sweepstakes:  Morrison, Wis.  (R.I.P., Elda Bornemann, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary,  April 23, 2013.)  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet and Stiles.
  • Faded phenomena:   pipe cleaners, earth shoes and gravity boots.
  • Am I the only one who thinks Robert DeNiro  peaked about 20 years ago and has been coasting ever since?
  • Today's Latin lesson:  "Sumo unus , adepto unus solvo. "  ("Buy one, get one free.")

Sunday, May 12, 2013

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:
  • No-salt potato chips go very nicely with non-alcoholic beer.
  • Next to "legend," "icon" and "genius," let me add another term that's  probably over-applied:  "Expert."
  • "No one wants advice--only corroboration."--John Steinbeck
  • Peak performance: Mt.  Everest is not only the highest point on Earth (29,035 feet), but it's still growing by about half an inch a year.    
  • The End of Civilization As We Know It, Exhibit 2,384:  Among the new CDs capsuled in the April 23 Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, we learn of a new release by one Rob Zombie titled "Venomous Rat Regeneration."  We're told "that enjoyably dark and nutty guy from White Zombie maintains his solo music career alongside his filmmaking with a disc that should please metal fans."  Words fail me . . . 
  • "One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats."--British author-philosopher Iris Murdoch
  • Audio book howlers (thanks to whatever mechanism it is that handles abbreviations, etc., failing miserably):  St. Paul became Street Paul, and IV needle rendered as . . . "four needle."  Also:  Type Eye diabetic--for Type I diabetic.
  • Boggling Burger Fact:  According to the Center for Investigative Reporting,  as reported by the Chicago Tribune, 6.5 pounds of greenhouse gases are produced to make a quarter-pounder.  If you were willing to give up one hamburger a week, it would be like not driving your car 350 miles.  
  • (And when, I wonder,  is someone going to green up Fast Food Nation?  A sandwich that's going to be eaten in two minutes comes in packaging that won't disintegrate for 10,000 years.)
  • For whatever reason--and there must be one--the left side hull of a Venetian gondola is longer than the right by 9 inches. (Trust me on this.)  
  • "More than ever. I now think of writing as a privilege—as a gift that's been given to me. Any day that I don't get to write something—anything—is a day I have to spend being someone other than who I am."--Comedy writer Larry Gelbart ("M*A*S*H," "Caesar's Hour," "Tootsie" and dozens of others).
  • Jimjustsaying's Book Title of the Week" "The Complete Idiot's Guide for Lawsuits," by Victoria E. Green, J.D.
  • Musings on the new Misinformation Age:  "“We have all these new channels and tools to understand the world as it happens, but there’s no reliable algorithm for sorting through the morass. It used to be, read the morning paper on the way to work and read the evening paper on the way home. Now we have to invent a new personal methodology every day. And if we’re waiting for things to settle down and become simple, that’s never going to happen.”--Author Jim Gleick in the New York Times
  • "Everything will be okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end.--John Lennon
  • Word never uttered by anyone who hasn't served in the military:  Latrine.
  • Another product you'd be amazed that is sold by Amazon.com: Canned Unicorn Meat by ThinkGeek ($12.99 plus shipping).
  • Permatern:  A person, usually in his or her 20s, battered by the recession and  working at an apparently endlessly unpaying position, holding out hope that the conventional career wisdom that an internship leads to a job isn't folklore from a bygone era.--The Week
  • Things that don't seem to exist anymore:  Hayrides, scavenger hunts and come-as-you-are parties.
  • "[T]he drive for austerity has lost its intellectual fig leaf, and stands exposed as the expression of prejudice, opportunism and class interest it always was. And maybe, just maybe, that sudden exposure will give us a chance to start doing something about the depression we’re in. "---Economist Paul Krugman in the New York Times.  (Aside from my agreeing with Mr. Krugman, this is my nominee for best--and perhaps first--use of the term "intellectual fig leaf.")
  • Insult of the Week:  "The more I think of you, the less I think of you."
  • Newspaper Obituary Headline of the Week:  "Squirt."  As in Donna "Squirt" St. Thomas (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, March 5,  2013). R.I.P., Ms. St. Thomas.
  • It's uncanny and been true my entire life:  The person in in front of me at the grocery checkout always has at least two items I've never  seen before  (usually some weird-looking rootlike vegetable or some Ho-Hos-type of snack containing about 7,000 mg of sugar).   And if it's an overweight person, count on about ten 2-liter bottles of non-diet soda  as well (usually Mountain Dew).
  • Another jimjustsaying Media Word, a word you see or hear only in print or on news broadcasts:  "thespian.­­­"
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  "Permissum mihi ulciscor vobis in ut."  ("Let me get back to you on that.")

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

POPCORN

BY JIM SZANTOR
Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life:
  • Never join a club that requires you to use a secret handshake.
  • When was the last time you saw someone smoking a pipe?  (And video footage of Hugh Hefner, either vintage or current, doesn't count.)
  • Wisconsinites, please don't be too hard on Gov. Walker.  He's destroying the state as fast as he can.
  • Jimjustsaying's Book Title of the Week:  "The Three Stooges Scrapbook," a whopping 355 oversized pages and touted by the Washington Post (!) as "The official Three Stooges bible."
  • (Oh, by the way, it's labeled as an "updated edition."  Whew.  Sure wouldn't want any stale, outmoded Stooges material!)
  • Fine Print Follies:  Do you know anyone who stops to read "click-through" agreements on websites in the middle of performing a task?  
  • One company, PC Pitstop, deliberately buried a clause in its end-user license agreement in 2004, offering $1,000 to the first person who e-mailed the company at a certain address. It took five months and 3,000 sales until someone claimed the money. 
  • (The situation hadn't improved by 2010 when Gamestation played an April Fools' Day joke by embedding a clause in their agreement saying that users were selling them their souls.)
  • Why do they call them barbershop quartets?  I've never heard one guy singing in a barbershop, much less four!
  • "She had the eyes of Caligula and the lips of Marilyn Monroe." --Former French president Francois Mitterrand on the recently deceased Margaret Thatcher.
  • Most people know that Amazon sells just about everything--but did you know they even sell wolf and coyote urine!  (Coyote Urine Pee Pure will set you back $14.95 for 16 ounces.)
  • "Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from."--Nora Ephron
  • "Ever wonder why a pirate wears patches? It's not because he was wounded in a sword fight," says Dr. Jim Sheedy,  a doctor of vision science and director of the Vision Performance Institute at Oregon's Pacific University (and jimjustsaying's go-to guy on pirate-related vision issues).
  • It seems that seamen must constantly move between the pitch black of below decks and the bright sunshine above.  Smart pirates "wore a patch over one eye to keep it dark-adapted outside." Should a battle break out and the pirate had to shimmy below, he would simply switch the patch to the outdoor eye and he could see in the dark right away—saving him 25 minutes of flailing his cutlass about in near blindness, Sheedy relates.
  • Jimjustsaying's Media Word of the Week (a word you see only in print and never hear an actual person use in real life):  Plethora.  As in, "2013 has seen a plethora of mass shootings."
  • You either understand the appeal of haiku (pretentious and overrated in the extreme) or you don't.  It's sort of like . . . literary rutabaga.  
  • According to news reports, Justin Bieber, who got trashed for showing up two hours late for his London show, has been spotted twice wearing a gas mask while shopping.  (And here you thought the white Michael Jackson would never show up!)
  • Time is like money in many ways--some of it well spent, some of it wasted . . . and some of it has you wondering: Where oh where did it all go?
  • T. Boone Pickens is probably a very nice and very smart guy, but what's up with these pretentious first initial people?    The T. is for Thomas, by the way, but apparently that is too common . . . or something . . . .  (Now, T-Bone Walker--now that's an entirely different breed of cat!)
  • Got milk (plants)?   A recent news story noted that there are 400 milk bottling plants in the U.S. right now.  In 1975?  2,500!  
  • More numbers:  In 1980 the average credit-card contract was 400 words.  Now? Many are more than 20,000.
  • "Fine print" complexity costs us money in the form of hidden fees (about $900 per year for the average consumer, according to research conducted by the Ponemon Institute), denied claims and unanticipated charges ($2 billion in one year for landline phone customers, according to the Federal Communications Commission). --Wall St. Journal, March 3
  • Newspaper Obituary Headline of the Week:  "Jigger."  As in Frank "Jigger" Bogda (Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, March 5,  2013). R.I.P., Mr. Bogda.
  • Do people still play canasta, and if so, why?
  • Jocular Book Titles (via Vanity Fair):  "Too Soon to Call," by Karl Rove and "The Audacity of 'Nope,' " by Paul Ryan.
  • Today's Latin Lesson:  Totus res in temperantia - comprehendo temperantia.  ("All things in moderation--including moderation!")