POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

• Little-known biographical fact about me: I was a herpetologist for the CIA.
• They're saying it's looking like "The Year of the Woman" in politics.  In the Catholic Church . . . not so much.   I mean, what's the hurry?  No problems whatsoever with the status quo.  Total transparency and not a scintilla of scandalous or criminal behavior.  So therefore, by all means keep the men in charge.  What could go wrong?  Women can wait a few centuries longer.
• Speaking of politics: Has anyone leading in a political poll ever said, "I don't believe in polls, and the only poll that counts is on Election Day"?  No!  Only the also-rans say that.  If they magically bounce up in the polls, suddenly the refrain is revised.  
• Someone asked me what I thought about Russian oligarchs, and I said:  "If they're endangered,  they should be protected, and poachers should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!"
• When in doubt, attritute any impressive-sounding quotation you just uttered to Benjamin Franklin, George Bernard Shaw or H.L. Mencken.  (In a pinch, you could also use Will Rogers or Sir Winston Churchill.)
• I think our new neighbor has a giant inferiority complex.  She subscribes to Mediocre Homes and Gardens.
• Sight never seen:  A white bellhop in an old black-and-white movie.  (Jerry Lewis doesn't count!)
• "They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.” Comedian Steven Wright.
• Summer is so almost over that all of the newspaper columnists have already written their annual "Don't let the summer slip away" columns.
• Sudden thought:  I can't remember ever seeing a Starbucks commercial on TV (or heard one on radio).   I guess they're so busy printing money that they don't have the need to do one (or the time to produce one).
• Speaking of Starbucks, they have more "laptop hobos" than McDonald's.  Something tells me these hobos aren't hopping freight trains . . . at least not on a regular basis.    (One possible reason:  No Wi-Fi service in a boxcar!)
• Redundancy Patrol:  "False pretenses,"  "protest against," "final outcome."
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that Robert M. Pirsig, author of the best-selling and influential "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values," once wrote technical manuals and ads for the mortuary cosmetics industry?" 
• "A neurosis is a secret you don't know you're keeping."--Critic Kenneth Tynan
• jimjustsaying's Word That Doesn't Exist But Should of the Month:  Tabalongs:   Those plastic mini-barrels or paper packets you find in pill bottles, ostensibly to absorb moisture.  
• Overheard: "In a few weeks my 4-year-old grandson will be starting preschool."
• No, he won't.  He'll be in school, but there's nothing "pre" about it.  He  will be in a room with a teacher, other kids, a blackboard, has to raise his hand to go to the bathroom and won't be able to leave until a bell rings, so that's School, whether it's Totland, the Sorbonne or the Massachusetts of Technology.  The only "pre" part is when he rubs the sleep out of his eyes and wolfs down the Pop-Tart.  Because when he clambers out of the minivan and disappears into that building, he's in School.  The only difference between that place and Harvard is the curriculum.  (Show-and-tell/oral exams.  Finger painting/spreadsheets.  Etc.)
• Do people still hang wallpaper?  Do they still make it?
• People with Ph.D. degrees who list it after their names at all times whether relevant or not are truly odd human beings.  How many of them of the proverbial certain age were basically "professional students" who stayed at school just to avoid the draft?  I'm just emphatically sayin'.  I can play the clarinet, saxophone and flute,, but I don't list "clarinetist-saxophonist-flautist" after my signature.  I held the rank of staff sergeant in the Air Force but don't list Staff Sergeant (Ret.) after my name.  
• And why do we call those people "doctors" anyway, when most people think of that title as that of an M.D.?  Why not Academics?  Yet another quirk of the language.
• jimjustsaying's Top 10 Signs That the Population is Aging More Than We Thought:
• 10.  New fed stimulus plan--Senior Discounts out; Senior Surcharge In!
•   9.  Disney breaking ground on new GeezerLand theme park.
•   8.  Nursing Home Triathlons (1 lap around the lobby, 10 seconds on the exercise bike, 30 minutes in the bathtub)
•  7.  Newest must-have Apple product:  iDefribillators! 
•  6.  Can you say Viagra Gummy Tabs?
•  5.  Playboy's Playmate of the Century:  Betty White
•  4.  Angelina Jolie does a commercial for Depends
•  3.  Folks over 110 eat free at all participating Red Lobsters!  (Void where prohibited.)
•  2.  Coming soon to a mall near you:  Gap For Granny.
•  1.  Your oldest son comes to you on Saturday afternoon and says:  "Dad, can I have the walker tonight?"
• Quote for the ages:  New York Times Executive Editor Dean Baquet wants this quote he once got included in his obituary.  Baquet was a kid reporter in his hometown of New Orleans when he met up with Edwin "The Silver Zipper" Edwards and asked the Louisiana gubernatorial candidate's reaction to a poll that said he had a healthy lead.  "The only way I lose this election," Edwards told him, "is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."--The Poynter Morning MediaWire
• Speaking of media, here's a memo (to print media, especially):  Just say "bar" or "tavern." "Watering hole" wasn't all that clever to begin with and has been overused to a nauseating extent.  And not that many people order a round of water!  
• Poker has become so popular, young people are even getting into it.  What's next? The Little League World Series of Poker?  ("I'll see your Skittles and raise you three M&M two-packs.")
• jimjustsaying's Word That Doesn't Exist But Should of the Week:  Tacangle: n. The position of one's head while biting into a taco.--"Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe," Rich Hall and Friends.
• Today's Latin Lesson:  It's nostrum parum specialis.  ("It's our little secret!")

POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

• I think Stormy could refer to both the porno actress in Donald Trump’s past and the state of his relationship with his wife.
• And now there’s a former Playboy model in the picture.  Somehow I can almost hear Hillary cackling up a storm in the background.
• I can't help myself.  I'm always drawn to the As Seen On TV product sections in any store that has one.  I mean, how can you pass up a Red Copper 5-Minute Chef or the Billy-Bob Instant Smile Comfort Fit Flex Cosmetic Teeth (One Size Fits Most, Comfortable Upper Veneer) or the the Spatty & Spatty Daddy Last Drop Spatula, two piece Set (6" and 12"), as seen on "Shark Tank"?  There's some stuff you simply can't pass up!                        
• I don't care what anyone says:  We didn’t have school massacres every other week when Mister Rogers was alive.
• “It is always a risk to speak to the press: They are likely to report what you say.”--Former Vice President Hubert Humphrey
• Memo to TV weathercasters:  Why do you call rain “a rain event”?  Do I need a ticket? Will refreshments be served?  Are there guest speakers?  
• Headline:  "Google to bring Dead Sea Scrolls to computer screens."  Reaction:  The scrolls will get about a thousandth as many "hits"--if that--as the next celebrity sex scandal.  (Odds of the Scrolls "going viral"?  Not good!)
• jimjustsaying's Lifestyle Tip of the Week:  Never enter a relationship with someone who's just out of (or just going into!) the Federal Witness Protection Program!
• Why do freight trains that derail always seem to be carrying deadly cyanide gas?  Doesn't the popcorn train ever derail? The paper towels train?  A blind man could be at the throttle of one of those trains, and nothing would ever happen! But put an ace conductor at the helm of the cyanide train and, five miles out, boom! It's uncanny.
• You can tell you're an old-timer if you sometimes refer to a train as "the iron horse."
• You know you’ve had too much to drink when you twist the cap off that last bottle of beer . . . and discover it wasn’t a twist-off-cap bottle of beer! 
• I blindsided my dentist.  I saw her at the grocery store and asked, "Have we been flossing regularly?"
• Sign on store counter: “Gift cards available—all denominations.”  Wow, how ecumenical!  Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, whatever . . . they will accommodate you.
• Redundancy patrol:  "Continue on," "convicted felon," "pre-order."
• Ever wonder how some of the “classic” TV shows of the past would have fared if remote controls had been around and there had been more than a hundred channel options back then?  (“ ‘Gilligan’s What’?  Never heard of it.”)
• Being the coolest guy at the Senior Center is a lot like being the tallest midget in the circus  . . . or the skinniest kid at Fat Camp!
• Every day I pray at least once to the Patron Saint of Comedy--Saint Shecky.  (Hallowed be his name.)
• Recent fortune cookie message:  "A new pair of shoes will do you a world of good!" (Whew!  I'm glad my underwear passed muster!)
• My favorite T-shirt message from the What on Earth catalog:
• "I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do."
• How come you never see anyone with a pencil behind his ear anymore?
• If speed bumps are so effective in mall parking lots, why not put them on the highways?  That's where speed kills, not in front of the Wal-Mart!
• (Speed limit signs don't slow down those idiots who pass you like you're standing still when you're doing 65, so we have to move on to Plan B--as in Bumps.  (As Larry King would say, you'll thank me later.)
• Memo to lazy drivers in all kinds of weather:  Activating your turn signal halfway through a turn doesn't really help.  What's the point?  We already know you're turning!
• Has anyone ever seen Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow in the same room?
• There are two kinds of stores in America:  Those who hand you your coins and those who slide them down to you in a metal chute. 
• (And clerks who hand you your coins, bills, receipt and coupons in one mishmashed tangled lump should be beaten over the head with one of those This Counter Closed signs!) Whatever happened to counting out change, coins and bill separately?  Do these people enjoy this treatment when they are on the other side of the counter? Do they do this in Japan?
• Did you know that crossword puzzles are not found in Chinese or Japanese publications?  The nature of their languages makes such construction impossible. 
• jimjustsaying's Translation Service:  Trattoria--the code word for "overpriced Italian restaurant."
•  "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."--St. Augustine
• Today’s Latin Lesson: Fines finium may adicio. ("Restrictions may apply.")

POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

• I’m a long way from Hawaii, but I’ve stopped turning on my Lava Lamp in solidarity with the volcano-beleaguered populace.
• All those who thought Rudy Giuliani was this big of a doofus before he hooked up with Donald Trump, raise your hands. 
• I don’t know about you, but hardly a week goes by without my having to order a product online--a product that used to be available in stores but now isn’t.  (“Sorry, we don’t carry that anymore” is an all-too-common refrain . . . and ownership wonders why revenue is down!)
• A friend of mine needed a personal item or two while in Cancun, so he went—where else?--to La Tiendas de Familia Peso. (That's Family Dollar to us gringoes.)
• If I had just escaped from prison and wanted to be totally ignored, the first thing I’d get would be a red flag.  Because this much we know about these horrendous school or workplace massacres:  Warning signs of all sorts (weapons caches, ominous tweets, terroristic boasts, etc.) are roundly ignored.  My long-lasting freedom would be assured with a red flag.
• I hate to bring up Afghanistan, but are we in the 17^th year of the war . . . or in the first year for the 17^th time?  And how many people could find it on a map?
• jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:   “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that eyes of guppies are normally a silver color, but they turn black when the fish get angry?”
• It has come to this:  Football can’t decide what is or isn’t a catch,  and baseball can’t decide what is or isn’t a proper slide.  You’d think the games originated in 2017!   
• And it seems as if everything in baseball is sponsored these days:  "Here's the Brewers starting lineup, brought to you by Milwaukee-area Chevy dealers." . . .  "Let's set the Brewers Pepsi defense for you." . . . . "This call to the pen is brought to you by . . . ."
• (What's next?   "This between-innings Announcer Bathroom Visit is brought to you by Quilted Northern, the official bathroom tissue of the Milwaukee Brewers . . . .")
• Speaking of the Brewers, it seems like the Polish sausage has dominated the mid-game/between innings “races” so far this season at Miller Park, but keep in mind--there's a lot of sausage yet to be played!
• "The other day I was thinking, ‘I just overthink things.’ And then I thought, ‘Do I, though?’"--Comedian Demetri Martin
• Prediction: Sometime in the coming weeks you're bound to hear some geriatric hippy proclaim that "Woodstock changed the world."
• Really?  Far as I can tell, the day it ended the Soviet Union was still an oppressive communist nation, Third World children were still starving, and Howard Cosell was still an obnoxious, insufferable oaf.  I don't think three days of naked hippies smoking weed and slogging through the mud at Max Yasgur's farm to music they probably couldn't really hear very well changed much of anything
• Why do we say “cold and damp” in the fall/winter and “hot and humid” in summer?  Why the difference in terminology?  Is there an official line of demarcation? After all, we're talking about the same phenomenon--moisture in the atmosphere.  So is it "damp" at 59.9 degrees or lower and "humid" at 60 and above?  Until otherwise notified, I’m going with “hot and damp” this summer--and "cold and humid" next winter!
• My chiropractor alluded the other day to "muscle memory."  Unfortunately for me, I have muscle Alzheimer's!  (That may not bode well for the healing process.)
•  All-overrated club: Angelina Jolie, Joy Behar and Larry David.
• Mark my words, someday "Winnie the Pooh" will be on Broadway.  They've done just about everything else, from "Peter Pan" to "Spiderman."  So it’s just a matter of time.  (And I think former N.J. Gov. Chris Christie would be the leader in the clubhouse to play Eeyore.)
• You're not a celebrity until you've been on the cover of People magazine, been a clue or an answer in the New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle or been mentioned in an least one edition of jimjustsaying.com
• Aren't these police funeral "shows of solidarity" getting just a wee bit over the top?  I'm sure the sorrow is as sincere as it gets, but do we need hundreds of law-enforcement personnel saluting for the cameras while the pipes are piping?  The death of a Fond du Lac, Wis., officer saw this play out in funeral/memorial services in not one but two towns!
• The obvious problem: Who's minding the store? That would be officers from nearby towns--personnel not all that familiar with the territory they are temporarily "covering"--leaving several towns shorthanded and inadequately protected!  Wonderful.  And this at a time when most police forces are not at full strength, for whatever reasons (retirements, suspensions, firings . . . .)
• I abhor these tragedies as much as the next guy, I'm strongly against gun ownership, and if I won the lottery, I'd buy a bullet-proof vest for every police officer who needed one.  I'm just put off by these mawkish, gratuitous public displays that put the public at risk. 
• If you look up news accounts of police/firefighter fatalities from decades ago, I doubt you'll find evidence of what we're seeing today.   The deaths were just as tragic, but the aftermath much less grandiose.  (Similarly, did football players of the pre-TV era do end-zone dances when they scored a touchdown?  Once again the media has become part of the event instead of the fly on the wall.)
•  “People who don't make it think their lives would be rosy if they did, and those who do make it are startled to find they still have all their old problems, plus a few new ones, and begin to wonder if they'd be happier if they hadn't made it."--Dick Cavett in "Cavett."
• Mailing lists are like roller coasters--it's far easier to get on one than off of one.
• "If one is neither a lender nor a borrower, as Shakespeare had Polonius advise, one probably cannot buy a house."--Joe Queenan, Wall St. Journal
• Today's Latin Lesson:   Evado meus gramen!  ("Get off my lawn!")

POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

• I'm old enough to remember when the only privacy notice you'd ever encounter was a Keep Out sign.
• If the NBA season is going to last until June, why don't they play where all the NBA wannabes play--outdoors?
• Donald Trump's shifting narratives on the Stormy Daniels soap opera recalls a remark once made by American journalist John Gunther: "He was trying to save both his faces."
• Who would have thought that one day a president who had a dalliance with a porn star would see his approval ratings rise?  (But hey, at least she wasn't a Russian porn star.) 
• Asked if they'd have sex with Donald Trump, 90 percent of American women said, "Never again!"
• When enemies of the U.S. are discussed, no one ever mentions Switzerland. But if there were no such thing as those infamous "Swiss bank accounts," how much of a game-changer would that be for U.S. coffers?  (Along with other "off-shore" maneuvers and the equally fabled "underground economy" . . . .)
• While some of us observed Earth Day, in parts of Florida another day was observed:  Sinkhole de Mayo.
• "Some people become so expert at reading between the lines that they don't read the lines."--Mystery writer Margaret Millar
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that at Spearfish, S.D., the mercury rose 49 degrees--from minus 4 to 45--in two minutes on Jan. 22, 1943?"
• Slang terms you never hear anymore (unless spoken by someone born "many moons ago"):
• "Daddy-o,"  "See you later, alligator," "made in the shade," "knuckle sandwich," "passion pit," "cool cat," "gimme some skin," "bread" (as in money), "gag me with a spoon"  and "have a cow."  (The replacements are sure to be as lame and as fleeting.)
• Why is it that companies can take your credit card info over the phone and process it in two minutes  or less but can't process a refund for six to eight weeks?  (Most likely because they want to take that long to figure out a way to decline the refund.)
• For baseball fans only: Shouldn't Tommy John should get a royalty every time "Tommy John surgery" is mentioned or performed?  (You know you're way down on the major-league club's organizational depth chart when the team has your Tommy John surgery performed by Tommy John!)
•  When is the last time you saw a Wanted poster at the post office?  Are they telling us (a) that everyone evil has been rounded up or (b) that they've essentially thrown in the towel?  Do criminals ever feel Unwanted because of this?  Is there a support group for them?
• Today's Media Words (words you encounter in newspapers or TV/radio newscasts but never heard an actual person use in real life):  Quell, quash, ire and ardor.
• Thinking outside the box:  What if "they" ultimately discovered that radiation is good for us!  It took the so-called experts eons to reverse course on the egg and determine that it "isn't the cholesterol villain we once thought it was.  Eat all you want."  I think the egg has been around much longer than nuclear radiation.  So there's still time.
•  (The egg is but one example of FDA/medical  flip-flopping.  That said, I applaud the effort to get things right, no matter how poorly it may reflect on earlier pronouncements.)
• Redundancy patrol: "Enter in," "barred out of . . .," "for free."
• Memo to managers of grocery (and other) stores with shopping carts:  How about taking them aside and doing a little wheel maintenance once in a while?  Turn them upside down and give 'em the once-over. A little bolt tightening and a little lubrication (WD-40?) would probably do wonders for those oh-so-wobbly wheels.  Replace as needed.  Rinse/lather/repeat.
• Wobbly, sticking wheels just irritate the customer, so you would think more attention would be paid in this area.  Yet another example of corporate blind spots or indifference; if they think of this at all, they don't see such maintenance as contributing to the bottom line, therefore why bother? (And they wonder why "profit margins" are down.  It's the little things,  folks.)
• Who would have thought that one day Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose would someday eclipse Roman Polanski on the pariah scale?
• jimjustsaying's Word That Should Exist But Doesn't:  Execuglide.  v.  To propel oneself about an office without getting up from the wheel-equipped chair.
• Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname(s) of the Month:  Rip, Poosie and Pooz.  As in Leland A. "Rip," "Pooz," "Poosie" Pacey, Kenosha (Wis.) News, April 3, 2018.  R.I.P., Mr. Pacey.
• Today's Latin Lesson:  Non habemus ad vos non tetri idem.  ("We don't have to show you no stinkin' badges.")

BASEBALL'S BACK SPECIAL

Credibility strikes out

By Jim Szantor

What do Scott Coolbaugh, Tim Hyers and Dave Hudgens have in common?  They are all hitting coaches for various 2018 major-league teams.  What are their lifetime batting averages?  That would be .215, .217 and .143 respectively.

Now, what do Ty Van Burkleo, James Rowson, Darren Bush, Anthony Iapoce, Don Long, Duane Espy, John Mallee and Pat Roessler have in common?  They, too, are the hitting coaches for various 2018 major-league teams?  What else do they have in common?  None of them have ever batted in a major-league game.

Is it any wonder that strikeouts are way up, game times are getting longer every season, and last year's total attendance dipped below 73 million for the first time since 2002?  According to Scott Miller, an MLB columnist, 31 percent of all plate appearances last season ended without the batter putting the ball in play.

I don't think that was the case when the likes of Don Baylor, Rod Carew, Rocky Colavito, Joe DiMaggio, Kirk Gibson, Reggie Jackson, Harvey Kuenn, Eddie Murray, Tony Oliva, Dave Parker, Tony Perez, Frank Robinson, Willie Stargell and Billy Williams held those positions, which, the record will show, they did. 

Now the Astros may well repeat this year at World Series champions.  But if they do, and are near the top of the heap in batting statistics, it may well be in spite of hitting coach Dave Hudgens and not because of him--all due respect.  Jose Altuve of the Astros, at age 27, has already won three batting titles.   If he goes into a rare slump, how much weight is he going to give to the words of a guy who has never faced one pitch in a major-league batting box?  

Oh, I forgot--this new breed of hitting coach spend s hours watching video and taking notes.  Wonderful.  Joe DiMaggio not only didn't have the advantage of video reports, but he faced pitchers who were throwing off a higher mound, and batting helmets, batting gloves and body armor were unheard of.  And his annual home-run total was greater than his strikeout total.  That sounds like science fiction today.

They have all those things--helmets, gloves, armor--in today's game.  And pitchers have thrown off a lower mound since 1969.  That's why today's game is so great.  Right.  It's still the greatest game in the world, but despite the "bigger, stronger players" you're always hearing about, something is missing:  Action.  At its present rate, baseball could replace soccer as the world's most unwatchable sport.  And, believe me, it hurts a lot to say that.

Seventeen Oddities from the 2017 Season

1. It was the first time a team started an All-Garcia outfield--Avisail in right, Leury in center and Willy in left (White Sox).
2. A third-strike pitch stuck to Yadier Molina's chest protector, allowing a runner to take first base while the Cardinals catcher scurried around looking for it.
3. Starling Marte, after being picked off base twice in a span of three innings, hits a come-from-behind home run versus Atlanta.
4. It was the first time a team that won the World Series the year before placed no one from that roster in the next year's All-Star Game (Cubs).
5. The Pirates send down the first Lithuanian major leaguer (Dovydas Neverauskas) to make room for the first African (Gift Ngoepe).
6. It was the first time a pitcher started a game for three different teams in a 15-day period (Jaime Garcia).
7. On May 22, the Independent league Wichita Wingnuts, managed by Pete Rose Jr., beat the Texas AirHogs, managed by Billy Martin Jr.
8. It was the first time a pitcher lost a no-hitter on a walk-off home run (Rich Hill).
9. For the second time in a month, fans at a ballpark are serenaded by a loud (false) alarm and commanded by a message on the scoreboard to evacuate--first in Atlanta, then Philadelphia.
10. It was the first time a player hit a grand-slam home run for two different teams in a span of five days (Curtis Granderson).
11. Nick Williams, who homered on a first-pitch slider from Tyler Webb when they last faced each other in Triple-A in June, nails Webb's first pitch-slider for a grand slam in the Phillies' win over the Brewers.
12. It was the first time a team hit home runs in each of the first seven innings of a game (Twins).
13. The Rangers' Jason Grilli loses on a walk-off hit in a third straight appearance at Kauffman Stadium--for three different teams.
14. It was the first time an eighth place hitter in the lineup had four extra-base hits (Paul DeJong).
15. Dustin Pedroia's Red Sox-record streak of 114 games without an error at second base ends when he misplays a grounder hit by Darwin Barney, the co-holder of that same MLB single-season record at 141.
16. It was the first time a pitcher struck out at least one batter in 45 consecutive relief appearances (Corey Knebel). 
17. Making his first career start after 108 relief appearances, Mike Blazek of the Brewers serves up six home runs to the Nationals, including record-tying barrages of four in a row and five in one inning.

Thanks to Athlon Sports and the Elias Sports Bureau for these fascinating factoids.

Home-run weather

Traditional baseball wisdom says that pitchers are "ahead of the hitters" when the season starts in the chilly early spring, while on the hot days of summer, scoring--and home runs--soar.  There is a real, scientific reason for that phenomenon, says PopularScience.com:  Struck baseballs fly farther on the hot, humid days of summer.  Heat causes gases to expand, which reduces air density, or the number of molecules packed into one space.  As a result, baseballs face less resistance as they fly through the air on a hot day.

"For a ball hit at the typical home run speed and trajectory, a 10 degree [Fahrenheit] change in temperature is worth about a little over 3 feet in distance," says physics professor Alan Nathan.  Altitude and humidity also affect the flight of a baseball.  Humid air holds more water vapor, which displaces heavier gases, like nitrogen and oxygen.  The resulting reduction in air density allows batters to knock ’em out of the park more easily. 

 Air density is also lower at higher altitudes, which is why Coors Field, the mile-high home of the Colorado Rockies, is known as a hitter’s heaven and a pitcher’s worst nightmare.  Nathan says wind can have the most pronounced effect of all:  Even a 5 mph wind blowing toward the outfield can carry a fly ball an extra 20 feet--the difference between an out and a dinger.

--The Week

POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

• There are 49 different kinds of food mentioned in the Bible.  (I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that cheeseburgers, burritos and pork rinds are not among them.)
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Month: "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that the inside of a cucumber is often 20 degrees hotter than the surrounding air?"
• It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
• Speaking of children, I don't understand all these school-closing "snow days" we had this winter.  Because you go to the gym, the library, the mall, and what do you see?  Wall to wall kids!  It's not like the school closing kept them safely at home, so aren't they're better off on the school bus and in the school instead of individually heading out into the very same elements they're supposedly being "protected" from?  
• Yes, but when the school is closed, then it's the parents' fault, not the school's, if Johnny gets run over by a snowplow.  That's probably what it boils down to.  So why not call it what it is:  Liability Day.
• How far are we from having "heat days" when it's  95 and humid in mid-May? (I'm just sayin'.)
• Overheard:   "I went to a TGIF party.  It was BYOB, and I had enough VO and JB to send me to AA with the DT's!"
• "People like to 'hate-watch' things.  People are very cynical. That's a much more fun way to watch television."--"Peter Pan" star Allison Williams  
• (Hate-watching is watching a show or movie you suspect you will emphatically dislike, for the purpose of being able to talk about how much you disliked it, either during the program (on social media) or afterward, according to Brandon Ambrosino of Vox.com.)
• What do butterflies get when they're nervous?  Gorillas?
• Sports note from psychologist Ken Ravizza, Ph. D.: "Peak performance isn't about being in the zone; it's about getting a job done with what you have.  The phrase I use is, 'Comfortable being uncomfortable.' 
• People who say "ek cetera" instead of "et cetera" should be beaten with one of Don Imus' discarded string ties.
• I'm always irked by people born in this country who stubbornly cling to their "ethnic heritage"--beyond the point of familial pride but to the point where you wonder why they're here in the first place.
• Furthermore, if you "consider yourself German" . . . but have never been to that country or can't speak more than five words of that language, how "German" are you?  And why are you reluctant to call yourself what you are--an American?  I'm just sayin'.
• Speaking of which, did you know that the two predominant ethnic groups in Toronto are Italians and Chinese?  Surprised me, too. (Hey, would a tour bus driver lie to me?)
• "How can two countries empathize with each other when in one, most of the adults are starving, and in the other, most of the adults are dieting?"--Sydney J. Harris
• One-of-a-kind creatures: Animals that sunburn (the pig), the insects that do not sleep (ants), the bee that dies after stinging (working honeybee), the bird that hibernates (whippoorwill), the snake with actual teeth, not fangs (coral), the animal born with horns (giraffe), and the snake that attacks without cause (African mamba).
• The global village hits home:  The flash drive I just bought came with instructions in—count ’em—18 languages.
• Oops:  The Week Magazine recently used a photo of a 1930s "NRA" pin to highlight a Briefing on the history of the National Rifle Association. The pin shown was actually for the National Recovery Administration—an agency created by President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s New Deal.  (In all fairness, a rare gaffe by the normally rock-solid Week but funny nonetheless.)
• jimjustsaying's Media Word of the Week (a word you see only in news reports and never, ever hear a real person use in real life):  Gambit
• Eighty-fourth Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary:  Menchalville, Wis.. (R.I.P., Ruth D. Willman, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, March 12, 2018).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, Dunbar, Askeaton, Wild Rose, Neopit, Ellisville, Pickett, Flintville,  Forest Junction, Thiry Daems, Black Creek,  Mountain, Ledgeview, Lunds, Suring, Lakewood, Beaver, Cloverleaf Lakes, Krakow, Pella, Townsend, Vandenbroek, Coleman, Spruce, Armstrong Creek, Lake Gogebic, North Chase, Navarino, Pequot Lakes, Buchanan,  Rio Creek, Humboldt, Mill Center, Carlton, White Potato Lake, Lark, Scott,  Newald and Biron.
• jimjustsaying's Word That Should Exist But Doesn't:  Doork.  n.  A person who always pushes on a door marked "pull" or vice versa."  "More Sniglets," Rich Hall and Friends.
• "Silas Morton and his wife have just returned from hunting bare in the mountains of Colorado for the past week."--Las Cruces (N.M.) Daily News.
• Today's Latin lesson, Baseball Division: Vos can't lucror lemma totus. ("You can't 'win em all.")

POPCORN

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations about the absurdities of contemporary life

• Do they make greeting cards for people born on Feb. 29?  If you know someone with that birthday, I'm thinking you have a lot of flexibility on when to send that card.
• According to meteorology, spring began March 1.   There's an 100 percent chance that meteorology is not an exact science.
• Speaking of weather:  If that "Beast from the East" is as bad as indicated, I'm saying there's a 40 percent chance of April for a good part of Europe.
• Wise words:  "There has been a shift . . .  in the cult of celebrity. Selfies, Instagram and YouTube have made us our own celebrities; the real ones posing beside us at film premieres and restaurants have become extras in our videoed romans à clef. They don't seem as otherworldly as they once did. Notions of fame have been reinvented, and the audience has become the star in an endless loop of blurred lines."--Jeffrey Fleishman, Los Angeles Times
• Say it isn't so:  That it's the time of year when otherwise sane individuals  who don't know a pick and roll from a pomegranate have to "fill out their brackets."  This is especially hilarious when people--usually women--pick teams on the basis of uniform color and other scientific criteria.  How much productivity is lost due to this ludicrous exercise? March Madness, indeed. This "wrong of spring" has gotten way out of hand.   
• Why are veterinarians so-called?  Shouldn't we call them peterinarians?
• "Metaphysics is like a restaurant where they give you a 30,000 page menu and no food."--Robert M. Pirsig
• Showbizzing: What do Lucille ("I Love Lucy") Ball and Adam ("Batman") West have in common?  Early in their careers--very early, in fact--they both appeared in Three Stooges movies.
• A recent news story reported that 30 percent of us routinely walk in our sleep.  (What the story didn't tell us is:  Do sleepwalkers walk with their arms outstretched in front of them like they do in the cartoons and Abbott and Costello movies  . . . or not?)
• "It failed to make a turn and crashed into an electric pole, snapping it off at the bottom and scattering live wives over the highway."--"Still More Press Boners," by Earle Tempel
• We hear about political upheaval all the time.  Wouldn't downheaval be more accurate for this administration?
• What is your favorite Labor of Hercules?  For me, it's hard to beat Number Seven (of the Twelve): "Capture the Cretan Bull."
• This savage bull, kept by King Minos of Crete, was said to be insane and breathe fire, Wikipedia tells us.  Hercules wrestled the mad beast to the ground and brought it back to King Eurystheus. Unfortunately, the king set it free, and it roamed Greece, causing terror wherever it went.
• (Any free-associative thoughts you may have had of Donald Trump are purely coincidental.)
• I have most of my computer files stored in the Cloud, so you could say I'm only partly Cloudy.
• jimjustsaying's Word That Doesn't Exist But Should of the Month:  Flintstep. v. "To wind up one's feet before runnng away in fear.  Common among cartoon characters."--"More Sniglets," Rich Hall and Friends
• With all the special-interest cable TV channels in existence, it's only a matter of time until the Conspiracy Channel debuts.  ("All conspiracies, all the time.")
• Is there still a Public Enemy No. 1?  A Private Enemy no. 1?  An Unlisted Enemy No. 1?
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Week:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that Uma Thurman's father, Robert, is a Buddhist professor of Indo-Tibetan studies at Columbia who thinks Uma is a reincarnated goddess?"  (Thanks to Maureen Dowd of the New York Times for this priceless tidbit.)
• "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."--Mitch Hedberg
• WD-40 Fun Fact of the Month:  The product was once used to free a boy whose arm was stuck up to his shoulder in a sewer.--"The WD-40 Book," by Jim and Tim--The Duct Tape Guys.
• (Of course, you all knew that WD-40 is an abbreviation of “water displacement,” and that 40 refers to the 40th attempt, in 1953, on which the product was created.)
• Oxymoronic America: "Genuine vinyl," "authentic replica" and "nonstop flight."  (Hey, I want to get off at some point! You mean the nonstop to New York doesn't stop in New York?)
• Eighty-third Wisconsin Town I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw It Mentioned in a Green Bay Press-Gazette Obituary:  Biron, Wis.. (R.I.P., Joan J. Cleereman, Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary, Jan. 10, 2018).  Previous entries: Athelstane, Walhain, Duck Creek, Breed, Anston, Sobieski, Amberg, Osseo, Angelica, Brazeau, Waukechon, Sugar Camp, Kossuth, Lessor, Kunesh, Pulcifer, Cato, Florence, Greenleaf, Eaton, Poygan, Hofa Park, Hilbert, Hollandtown, Beaufort, Glennie, Harshaw, Bessemer, Crooked Lake, Tigerton, Goodman, Readstown, Dousman, Butternut, Montpelier, Cecil, Red River, Gillet, King, Laona, Kelly Lake, Glenmore, Tonet, Stiles, Morrison, Dunbar, Askeaton, Wild Rose, Neopit, Ellisville, Pickett, Flintville,  Forest Junction, Thiry Daems, Black Creek,  Mountain, Ledgeview, Lunds, Suring, Lakewood, Beaver, Cloverleaf Lakes, Krakow, Pella, Townsend, Vandenbroek, Coleman, Spruce, Armstrong Creek, Lake Gogebic, North Chase, Navarino, Pequot Lakes, Buchanan,  Rio Creek, Humboldt, Mill Center, Carlton, White Potato Lake, Lark, Scott and Newald.
• Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month:  "Round Head.  As in, Michael L. "Round Head: Turcotte,  Kenosha (Wis.) News  obituary, Feb. 14, 2018.
• jimjustsaying's Internet Click Bait Items of the Month: Most people can't complete these common phrases/Hilarious photos taken by trail cams/Co-stars who didn't get along/He transformed his gut with one thing/Men who marry chubby women are 10 times happier/10 signs you're headed for a sexless marriage/40 things only older people say/Pets banned in every state/This is why you should sleep with your feet outside the covers/Scary abandoned amusement parks.
• The Law of Unintended Consequences will never be repealed.
• Today's Latin Lesson:   Totus suspectus es insons insontis insquequo probo crimen in a villa of lex.  ("All suspects are innocent until proved guilty in a court of law.")