POPCORN

                                                          By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric 
and whimsical observations 
about the absurdities of contemporary life




• I like to think of myself as couth, kempt and ept.
• R.I.P., Queen Elizabeth II.  (Unfortunately, my wife and I couldn’t attend the funeral, so we sent our regrets. It seemed like the right thing to do.)
• Her Royal Highness was, by all accounts, a great monarch. (And I really hated losing a faithful blog follower, but whaddya gonna do?)
• Believe it or not, I did have the pleasure and honor of exchanging texts with King Charles, which I will take the liberty of sharing:
• Me:  Your Majesty, you know the great American comedian and filmmaker Mel Brooks famously said, “It’s good to be king.”  Is it?
• King Charles:  Well, Jim, so far, so good . . . but, you know, small sample size LOL
• It’s uncanny, but whenever people point during a conversation (“The hardware store over there . . . ), they almost always point in the wrong direction.  
• Milwaukee is a great choice for the 2024 GOP convention.  For one thing, the sound of constant gunfire, squealing tires and wailing sirens will keep delegates from nodding off during the boring campaign speeches. 
• Beehive of activity: I understand Donald Trump was adding on to his Mar-a-Lago estate while all the document searching was going on:  Another tennis court, another putting green and--oh, yes--a holding cell.
• I suspect that Trump really wouldn’t mind going to prison--as long as they name it after him!
• I haven’t read or heard a word about this yet (“this” being Time magazine’s annual Person of the Year award), but my pick would be Liz Cheney.  You read it here first.
• It turns out that Haagen-Dazs is actually the Norwegian term for “pudgy thighs.” (Who knew?)
• There are two types of people in Office America:  Those who display photos of their children and those who don’t (even if they have children).
• Anybody who still says “jeepers” probably has a three-digit Social Security Number.
• Speaking of old folks, it’s high time to start an Endangered Names List:  We’re running out of Clarences and Waldos, and we would do well to treasure our remaining Wandas and Gertrudes. Time is running out.
• Quiz time:  Which is the only city with world championships in the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL and MLS? (Answer later in this column.)
• Sometimes politicians just can’t win—no pun intended.  If they change their position on an issue, not so much for political expediency but because of changing conditions or conscientious study or soul-searching, they’re branded as “flip-floppers.”
• But if they stick to a position and never waver, they’re “rigid” or “ideologues.” If that’s not enough, pols of all stripes have their statements “taken out of context”—either by opponents/detractors or some media outlets.  (Allegedly.)  You have to have a strong stomach and a thick skin to run for any meaningful office.  (Or a screw loose!)
• The problem with politics is that the parts that really hurt us--the backroom deals, the lobbying, the arm-twisting, the payoffs--those we never get to see. All we get are the speeches, the photo-ops and the campaign commercials. C-SPAN notwithstanding, we never really get to see the sausage being made. (Do we have the stomach for it?)
• More politics: We all know the credo of the so-called compassionate conservative, don’t we?  “I feel your pain; I’m just not going to do anything about it.”
• Does anyone remember where they were when Saddam Hussein was executed?  Me neither.
• Redundancy Patrol:  At this point in time, component parts, hazardous toxins.
• Our cat used to get one piece of mail addressed to him each year--a reminder from the veterinarian for his annual checkup.  But that’s it.  Apparently, pets have built-in immunity to the junk mail plague.  (They get fleas, but no unwanted credit-card offers, charity appeals or schlocky catalogs--and they probably couldn’t care less about privacy notices. Good trade-off?)
• Three of my restaurant ideas that never got off the ground:  Jim’s House of Hummus, Jim’s Casa Kielbasa and Jim’s Big Screen/Smart TV Dinners.  (Still on my drawing board: Hamburger Schlemmer.)
• What’s the difference between an epoch and an era?
• I wonder how often a car dealer has actually given someone “triple the difference in cash” if they found a better deal somewhere else?
• Anyone who can make any sense out of the dialogue in the “Flo from Progressive” commercials, raise your hand.  (Flo, your plane is boarding.)
• Speaking of dialogue, one reason I never get hooked on “Law and Order” is that every time someone says something, it’s very scripted-sounding--a snappy, super-succinct, clever comment or rejoinder.  People just don’t talk like that--even erudite legal or law-enforcement professionals. 
• Wouldn’t society have been better served if Martha Stewart had been sentenced to community service and a multimillion-dollar donation to a women’s shelter or a food pantry . . .  instead of making her twiddle her thumbs in a prison cell? What kind of debt to society was that?
• jimjustsaying’s Consumer Tip of the Week:  Check those receipts!  Scanners are getting better, but errors are still too commonplace, i.e., charging you regular price rather than the sale price, double scanning of a single item, etc.  I still see them.
• Sure, the store will rectify the error if you’re diligent enough to catch it.  But . . . there’s another price to be paid in the process--standing in line waiting for the Customer Service person to handle all the folks in front of you who are buying lottery tickets, stamps, cigarettes, money orders or renting the carpet-cleaning machine.
•  jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Week (a word you see only in headlines but never hear any normal person use in everyday life):  Quell.  (As in, “NATO forces quell uprising in Latvia.”)
• Favorite song title: “When the phone don’t ring, you’ll know it’s me!”--Gordon Cormier, lyricist
• jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Fudd.”  As in David “Fudd” Wiegand, Door County Daily News.  R.I.P., Mr. Wiegand
• Let's kill all the lawyers?  Well, we don't have to--the robots will.
• According to news reports, law firms are using artificial intelligence (AI) to do contract analysis, hunt for client conflicts and even craft litigation strategy. (But I'm already up to speed on this:  I've got a robot on a retainer.)
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  "Say [actual party-goer's name here], did you know that the first bomb dropped on Berlin by the Allies during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo?”
• Trade war trivia: KFC reportedly sells more chicken in China than in the U.S.  ("Let's get some American food tonight.”)  And General Motors sells more cars there than in the U.S.  (Hard to think of a Chevy Cruze as a foreign car, but in Shanghai . . .  it is.)
• Airwave nostalgia: How glorious it was when you could channel-switch and find Steve Allen, Jackie Gleason, Red Skelton, Jack Benny and Sid Caesar without too much trouble.  We're not even close to equaling any one of those comedy giants much less all five--and we have a couple of hundred more channels. This is NOT the Golden Age of Television. 
• Quiz answer:  Chicago (supposedly “the city of lovable losers”).
•  jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Inelvitable.” n. The uncanny ability of the backup band in Elvis Presley movies to materialize from out of nowhere whenever Elvis decides to break into song--“Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe,” Rich Hall and Friends
• No Smoking Section: HBO Max has digitally airbrushed cigarettes out of posters for its classic movies, The Week magazine reports, which left stars such as Warren Beatty and Paul Newman gesturing strangely at their mouths with empty fingers. 
• Tipsters tell me that Woody Allen is working on a film about a female marathon runner.  Working title: “Hannah and Her Blisters.”
• Drudging Around: Did Nostradamus predict Queen’s death 40 years ago? . . . Soon electric cars could charge faster than iPhone . . . Half cows, entire pigs: Families buying in bulk . . . Woman touted as “Mother Theresa” ran $196 million Ponzi scheme . . . Nightmare of abuse at Christian “troubled teen ranches” in Texas; branded with a cross and tied to a goat as punishment . . . Utah named worst state for road rage . . . Another Cal. exodus: Dairy cows leave for greener pastures in Tex., Ariz. . . . Bronx mob leader survived five attacks in one year before rubbed out on son’s orders, prosecutors say . . . Denver giving homeless $12,000 no-strings-attached cash . . .   Salt Lake City sewers emit mysterious music in homes . . . Human remains can literally be used as compost . . . McDonald’s has new Happy Meals--for adults. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.) 
•  “In the parade will be several hundred school children carrying flags and city officials.”--Worcester (Mass.)  Telegram via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel
• He said it: “New York has always been going to hell, but somehow it never gets there.”--Robert M. Pirsig, author of “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.”
• She said it: “Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.”--Dorothy Parker
•  jimjustsaying’s Fortune Cookie Facts:  About 30 calories and 7 grams of carbohydrates--including 3 grams of sugar, although some are sugarless.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• ·Choice explosion run amok:  Thirty years ago, Colgate had two varieties of toothpaste. Today, it has 32, excluding the four they make for children.  You could use one kind a day for a month and still have one or two left over.
• Today’s Latin Lesson: Amen dico tibi nudus natat, qui egreditur, dum Caesar in aridum.  (“You can’t tell who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.”)--Warren Buffett)
  
  
  Special thanks to Cary Oakey, this month’s Popcorn intern.

POPCORN

REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE FCC AND DOJ

By Jim Szantor

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations 

about the absurdities of contemporary life 



• Decency in politics and civility in society haven't disappeared.  Why, they're as easy to find as your local neighborhood Radio Shack.
• A Polish sausage is a hot dog with an attitude.
• Headline: “Kissinger warns that USA is moving toward the brink with China, Russia.”  All those who thought Henry was no longer with us, raise your hands.  (Guilty.  But he is 99, so I doubt he’s buying any green bananas these days.)
• ·        Headline: “Kissinger warms that USA is moving toward the brink with China, Russia.”  All those who thought Henry was no longer with us, raise your hands.  (Guilty.  But he is 99, so I doubt he’s buying any green bananas these days.)
• I thought Johnny Appleseed was a mythical creature.  Turns out he was a real person—John Chapman—who traveled from his Massachusetts home to Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana planting the seeds of a fruit—our “all-American” apple—that was really indigenous to central Asia.  (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• Hot on the heels of the monkey pox madness comes a new concern:  the “tomato flu,” so-called because of the painful red blisters that erupt on the body.  (I can’t help but recall periodic “SNL” sketches titled, alternately, “More Diseases to Worry About” or “More Insects to Worry About,” usually featuring Gilda Radner or Jane Curtin as the hand-wringing chief worriers.)
• Gender Reveal Parties: If there is a social aberration that defines the "Dancing with the Stars"/head-to-toe-tattoo generation, that would be it.  (Here at the senior building, I'm advocating a Surgical Scars Reveal Party.)
• Stop the World Dept.:  Did you know that there are mini-bars in the back of Ubers?
• ·        Stop the World Dept.:  Did you know that there are mini-bars in the back of Ubers!
• Stop the World Dept. II: Rap star Snoop Dogg, well known for his cannabis addiction and his recent quirky alliance with Martha Stewart, is releasing a new product—a breakfast cereal called Snoop Loopz.  My question: Do you eat it . . . or smoke it?  More on this story as it develops!
• I just finished reading a magazine article about "The colonization of space."  Great idea!  Now that we've repaired all our crumbling infrastructure, fixed our broken health-care system, solved all the Earthly environmental problems and eliminated our huge federal deficit, what better place for our tax dollars than outer space?
• Life was simpler when we didn't have to keep track of charging cords, user names and passwords  . . . and the time and date of the next Gender Reveal Party.
• ·        Life was simpler when we didn't have to keep track of charging cords, user names and passwords  . . . and the time and date of the next Gender Reveal Party.
• You don't hear much about think tanks anymore.  Did these people stop thinking . . . or did they get tired of tanks and moved on to something else?  Tents?  Cubicles? Pods? B&Bs?
• jimjustsaying sadly presents the . . . Failed Restaurant Franchises Hall of Shame: 
• Beefsteak Charlie's, Red Barn, Horn and Hardart, Burger Chef, Lum's, Steak and Ale, White Tower, Minnie Pearl's Chicken, Sambo's, Henry's Hamburgers, Naugle's, Chi-Chi's, Bennigan's, Ponderosa and Bonanza Steakhouses, Bob's Big Boy, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Doggie Diner, A&W Drive Ins, Po' Folks, Country Kitchen, TCBY, Tony Roma's, and Blimpie Subs and Salads. (Say what you want about McDonald’s and KFC, but they appear to have the recipe for longevity.)
• jimjustsaying's Party Ice-Breaker of the Month:  "Say [actual partygoer's name here], did you know that Florida is the flattest state in America?"  
• In descending order of flatness: Florida, Illinois, North Dakota, Louisiana, Minnesota, Delaware and Kansas.  
• ·        In descending order of flatness: Florida, Illinois, North Dakota, Louisiana, Minnesota, Delaware, Kansas.  
• And if you thought Alaska, California or Colorado were the most mountainous states in the country, you'd be wrong.  Those states also contain extensive plains and relatively flat valleys. 
• Our most mountainous state?  West Virginia, although its highest peak, Spruce Mountain, is only about 4,864 feet in height.  (Thanks to WGN-TV's Tom Skilling, who stands tallest among the meteorologists of America, for that valuable information.)
• jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month:  A word you only see in newspaper headlines but one that you never hear a real person use:  Decry/decried.  (It’s in the arsenal of headlinese words such as ire, quash, embattled, embroiled and spar.  And that old standby—eye, as a verb!)
• ·        Jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month:  A word you only see in newspaper headlines but one that you never hear a real person use:  Decry/decried.  (It’s in the arsenal of headlinese words such as ire, quash, embattled, embroiled and spar.  And that old standby—eye, as a verb!)
• You Never Know What's Going On Next Door department: "Officials Find More Than 250 Snakes, Alligators and Skunks in Montgomery County (Pa.) Home."  (Yeah, the reptiles are not going to be enough of a nuisance and a danger, so throw in some skunks for good measure!  Good plan.)
• Actual Newspaper Correction (Lifetime Achievement Award):  "The crossword puzzle that should have appeared in today's edition appeared instead in yesterday's, together with the answer to the puzzle that should have been printed yesterday.  Therefore, the puzzle that should have appeared yesterday is in today's paper, together with the answer to Wednesday's puzzle.  The puzzle for today and the answer to the one that should have been printed yesterday are reprinted.--Lewiston (Idaho) Tribune, per "Still More Press Boners," by Earle Tempel
• Never eat at a place called Mom’s, never play poker with a man named Doc . . . and never enter a store called a Shoppe.  (Shoppe: A pretentious spelling for a store with overpriced merchandise. Avoid at all costs---pun intended.)
• He said it: "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."—H.L. Mencken
• ·        He said it: "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."—H.L. Mencken
• She said it: “We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ― Anaïs Nin.
• Signs of the Times (from Consumer Reports):
• Challenge: Figure out when this eatery is hoping you’ll stop by.
• 
  
  
  
  
  
• And if your sweet tooth is calling, maybe try another flavor.
• The trouble with wearing T-shirts with clever sayings on them:
• --Not everyone thinks they're clever.
• --People who do appreciate the shirt also realize that you're just wearing what the actual clever person wrote . . . and that you're most likely not that clever.  (Or maybe not that tacky, depending on the shirt, in which case you might actually look better in comparison.  Or . . . maybe not.)
• --People also realize that you paid money to look clever; and that the person who wrote it received money and probably doesn't wear T-shirts with clever sayings on them . . . and wouldn't be caught dead wearing a "SARCASM/just another service I offer" T-shirt.   Or a "JENIUS" T-shirt . . . or "I recycle . . . I wore this shirt yesterday" T-shirt.  (I'm just sayin'. Your wardrobe may vary.  And I hope it does.)
• You spend $8 at a Chinese restaurant and get a fortune cookie.  You spend $28 for a Porterhouse at a steak house and have the good fortune of paying "$2.75 extra for mushrooms." (No salt and pepper surcharge, at least that I know of.)
• Does anyone really understand the process of dry cleaning?
• ·        Does anyone really understand the process of dry cleaning? 
• About those Seven Deadly Sins:  There should be an Eighth--Ingratitude!  (All-time favorite proverb:  "No good deed goes unpunished.")
• Is there a support group for support groups?
• Ever wonder how they come up with names of products?  I mean, who is Mr. PiBB, anyway?  
• People will agree to do just about anything--as long as it’s far enough in the future.
• ("Hey, Ralph:  Help me paint the garage on Saturday?"  "Um, gee, Jim--I think we've got something planned."  "OK, how about Aug. 21, 2028?" "Sure, Jim--no problem! What time?")
• ·        People will agree to do just about anything--as long as its far enough in the future.
• ·        ("Hey, Ralph:  Help me paint the garage on Saturday?"  "Um, gee, Jim--I think we've got something planned."  "OK, how about Aug. 21, 2028?" "Sure, Jim--no problem! What time?")
• Translating "Police Speak":  "Displayed a revolver."  Pulled a gun. 
• I think the first course taught at the police academy is Stilted Speak. (“Don’t say we caught the guy red-handed.” Instead say, “We apprehended the suspect after observing him in the alleged commission of a felony.” You hear variations of this every night on the 10 o’clock news.)
•  jimjustsaying’s Misleading Term of the Week:  "World-class."  As in: [So and so] is a "world-class violinist."  Maddeningly nebulous!  If I'm the world's worst musician/poker player/sculptor/whatever, that's "world-class," too--just the other end of the spectrum!  (To me, there’s obviously no such thing as being too pedantic.)
• ·         jimjustsaying’s Meaningless Term of the Week:  "World-class."  As in:  [So and so] is a "world-class violinist."  Maddeningly vague!  If I'm the world's worst musician/poker play/sculptor,/whatever, that's "world-class" too--just the other end of the spectrum!  (To me there’s obviously no such thing as being too pedantic.)
• Whatever happened to longtime game-show host Peter Marshall?  Fun fact: He was born Ralph Pierre LaCock . . . and had a son, Pete LaCock (who went by that name) who played first base for nine years for the Chicago Cubs and the Kansas City Royals.  (Batted left, threw left.  Pretty good player.) Who else would tell you these things? 
• jimjustsaying’s Word that Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month:  Negatile:  n. An area of the bathroom floor that, somehow, registers you five pounds lighter.
• If you still have your high school graduation tassels hanging from your rear-view mirror, you are most likely a danger to yourself and others.  (Counselors are standing by.)
• To all those who wrote in:  Yes, I'm working on my memoirs.  Working title: "Egg On My Face (With More Than a Trace of Ham)."
• ·         If you still have your high school graduation tassels hanging from your rear-view mirror, you are most likely a danger to yourself and others.  (Counselors are standing by.)
• ·        To all those who wrote in:  Yes, I'm still working on my memoirs.  Working title: "Egg On My Face (With More Than a Trace of Ham)."
• DRUDGING AROUND: More women embracing gray: The Silver Revolution . . . Woman driving golf cart busted for DUI on I-95 . . . STUDY: Anxious dogs calmed by reggae and soft rock . . . Respected snake researcher dies from rattlesnake bite . . . Biggest polio threat in years sparks alarms from NY to CA . . . Body found sitting in chair in Sierra home, likely for years . . . How lawyer’s bragging prompted judge to throw out winning malpractice verdict . . . NEXT:  Tomato flu! . . . Teen prescribed 10 psychiatric drugs—and she’s not alone . . .  (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.) 
• jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Joe Schmear.” As in Jack R. “Joe Schmear” Mueller, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, June 12, 2022. R.I.P., Joe.
• "Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat."--Wilson Mizner, American playwright.
• ·        "Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat."--Wilson Mizner, American playwright.
• ·        When's the last time you saw a kid playing marbles?
• ·        "Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat."--Wilson Mizner, American playwright. 
• jimjustsaying's Faded Phrase of the Month:  "Knee high to a grasshopper." 
• Today's Latin Lesson: Cur quae cadunt in area semper est aliquid sub virtualiter inaccessibilis evolvere? ("Why do things that fall on the floor always roll under something virtually inaccessible?")
  
  
  Special thanks to Dee Rigueur, this month’s Popcorn intern.

POPCORN

 

 By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric 

and whimsical observations

about the absurdities of contemporary life 

·
• I never metamorphosis I didn’t like.  But that could change!
• I'm so old, I used to eat at NHOP--you know, the National House of Pancakes!
• Five favorite T-shirt messages from the new What on Earth catalog:
• If you met my family, you'd understand.
• Another day gone by, and I didn’t use algebra once!
• 90 percent of being married is yelling “What?” from other rooms.
• My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.
• My favorite: I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.
• People who make a vocal sound that is supposed to approximate the "Twilight Zone" theme are in need of immediate counseling (if not deportation).
• Sometimes I feel like a Polaroid in the Instagram of Life. 
• A woman is only helpless when her fingernail polish is drying!
• Quick:  How many married people could put their hands on their marriage license inside of 5 minutes?  5 hours?  5 days?  Driver's license?  Almost instantly! (Draw your own conclusions.)
• Why people don't like the sound of their own voices:  According to Dr. Edie Hapner, a speech-language pathology expert, you don't hear your voice as others hear it. Voices travel through the bones of the head before reaching the speaker's ears, changing the way it sounds, says Dr. Hapner. (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• Speaking of voices, ever notice that British singers don't sing with a British accent--you hear it only when they speak?
• Askville.com explains: Because singing forces the singer to pronounce "true" vowel sounds. "English vowels are the same, no matter where you're from. Speaking employs gliding vowels--transitions from one to the next. Singing is phrased such that vowels are held longer (to the note), which more or less erases regional accents."
• (Whatever the case, calling Mick Jagger a “singer” is a stretch!  He struts and he prances and he shouts and somehow got rich and famous for doing it.)
• I was wrong about paparazzi. But I decided to give it another try with a red clam sauce, and it wasn’t half bad.
• Ever wonder how some of the “classic” TV shows of the past would have fared if remote controls had been around and there had been more than a thousand program options back then?  (“ ‘Gilligan’s What’?  Never heard of it.”)
• There will never be a David Gruber Lookalike Contest.  (And he is surely the first lawyer to use preschoolers in TV ads!)
• The Gruber ads are so ripe for parody that a rival law firm is now subtly poking fun at them in their television spots.  (What took them so long!)
• How come you never see guys with pencils behind their ears anymore?
• I don't care what anyone says:  We never had weather like this when Mr. Wizard was alive!
• Why do people in the movies always hear a dial tone when somebody hangs up on them when this never happens in real life? (A dial tone you can hear from across the room!  How does that happen?)  And the villain always snaps off the radio or TV when he hears his crime reported on a news broadcast.  Sometimes it appears that all the movies have been written or directed by the same guy!
• Just what we need: More gloom and doom--the so-called “vulture apocalypse.” 
• A catastrophic decline of vulture populations in Africa and Asia is causing alarm among researchers, who fear that a “cascade” effect could lead to the spread of deadly old and new diseases, including plague, anthrax, and rabies, the London Telegraph reports.
•  If the lion is the king of the savannah, the vulture is the hardworking, unsung groundskeeper. A flock of vultures can wipe a dead antelope clean in about 20 minutes, stopping the carcass from turning into a toxic soup leaking into water sources. Maggots and bacteria are the only things more effective at disposing of dead meat.  (And now back to your breakfast, lunch, dinner or snack! Sorry.)
• When did guys start getting haircuts that look like the barber had a seizure  . . . and kept on cutting?  Or wearing that puffed-up wedge of hair (with gel?) in front?  When did it become "cool" to look like you just lost a bet with someone? 
• Getting old and slightly annoying:  Calling any update or revision of something "2.0." Soon to be followed, no doubt, by "3.0."  Oh, so clever.
• Redundancy Patrol:  Continue on, pick and choose, absolutely free.
• Sign of the Times (literally):  “Fairbanks Airlines Flight C20 departs at 8:57 p.m.  Boards at 9:04 p.m.” (per Consumer Reports reader Charlie Kranuall). 
• Sign of the Times II:  Hotel web site pitch: “Upgrade to a room with a toilet for just $19.04.”  (per Consumer Reports reader Liz Burden)
• Misspelled Sign of the Year!
•     
  
• 
  
• (INSERT your own joke here!   Gently.)
• jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Grampa Thunder.”  As in Thomas J. “Grampa Thunder” Michelson, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, July 3, 2022.  (Obviously a family that doesn’t know how to spell “Grandpa,” but R.I.P. anyway, sir.  I’m sure you deserved better.)
• I've found a strange omission in all of Donald Trump's books:  No Chapter 11!
• jimjustsaying’s Faded Word of the Month: "skedaddle." 
• TV Guide fun facts:  The person who appeared on the magazine's first issue also made the most cover appearances ever:  Lucille Ball.   (What, you thought it was Durward Kirby?)
•  jimjustsaying’s Fortune Cookie Message of the Month: “Your reality check is about to bounce.”
• DRUDGING AROUND:  Vegas hotel to offer first VR porn delivery robot as part of room service . . . SURVEY: 2 in 3 adults don’t know whom we declared independence from . . . Don’t know how many stars on flag . . . Serial killer called in tips, collected rewards when bodies found . . . Baby born on 7-11 at 7-Eleven! . . . One roommate is 85, the other is 27; such arrangements are growing . . . Women’s armpit hair is back (and on cover of Vogue) . . . Monkeys throw human baby to his death off roof . . . “Nap boxes” installed in offices to help Japan workers sleep while standing up. . . Rotten Apple:  NYC odor complaints hit record high . . . “Water police” patrol drought-stricken LA streets . . . How Brazilian Butt Lift became one of deadliest cosmetic surgeries . . . Sperm extraction technique turns dead men into fathers . . . Depression NOT caused by “chemical imbalance” in brain, scientists insist . . . Why insects are sustainable superfood of the future—better than beef . . . STUDY: Drop in air pollution INCREASED global warming . . . Bad habits? Chewing gum sharpens memory; biting nails boosts immunity . . . She seemed like an elderly landlady.  She was actually a serial killer . . . Fireman in France accused of being serial wildfire starter. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of aggregators.)
• Florida comments per the Associated Press: “The Sunshine State has become internationally notorious for the oddball miscreants who populate its police blotters and local news reports--known collectively as Florida Man. There are murders and mayhem, like anyplace else, and then there are the only-in-Florida incidents like the man charged with assault with a deadly weapon for throwing an alligator through a Wendy’s drive-thru window in Palm Beach County in 2015.”
• Latest consensus in a Quora survey about Florida:  Mostly thumbs down from those who either just moved there or those who are leaving. Why? No state income tax . . . but little or no services, either—or services that are being discontinued or are being watered down (no pun intended)!  Prices and traffic are mushrooming, and the specter of catastrophic climate change looms large.  (Full disclosure: I spent 20 years there one week!)
•  jimjustsaying’s Great Baseball Broadcast Gaffe of the Month: “Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.”—Angels analyst Ron Fairly.
• jimjustsaying’s Baseball Rant du Jour: Remember when your favorite team had two uniforms:  White for home games and those "gray traveling uniforms," as announcers used to call them?   Now they've got 5 or 6 sets, from "throwback unis" to camouflage outfits (for all of us veterans out there) to special hats for Mother’s Day, among other commemorative regalia.   You turn on a game and are a bit puzzled about who really is playing.  (“Funny, that doesn’t look like the Brewers.”)
• Why don’t the teams use some of the money spent on what has to be expensive haberdashery and give it to a food bank or any other worthy cause?  But apparently this diamond fashion show takes precedence.  Who started this?
• “Miss Miriel Clark of Winfield, Kansas, has become the bird of Neal A. Sullivan.”—Charlotte (N.C.) News, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel
• jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Vacubeam.” n.  That useless headlight on the front of a vacuum cleaner.—“Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe,” Rich Hall and Friends
• He said it: “In reality, there is no such thing as not voting: you either vote by voting or you vote by staying home and tacitly doubling the value of some diehard’s vote.”—David Foster Wallace 
• She said it: “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap!”—Dolly Parton
• jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month: “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that the size of your eyes remains same after birth, but your nose and ears never stop growing?”
• Today’s Latin Lesson:  Cum ad inscitiam vel corruptionem negotii vel rei publicae fit, putrescat pisces de capite. (“When it comes to incompetence or corruption in business or politics, the fish rots from the head.”)
  
  
  
  Special thanks to Hugh Briss, this month’s Popcorn intern.
  
  
  
  

POPCORN

 By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations

about the absurdities of contemporary life

• No one has ever complained that their internet connection is too fast.
• Would Alexander the Great have been as renowned if he had had a different last name? (Alexander the Average? Never heard of him!)
• As we approach the 4th of July, remember the words of George Carlin: “George Washington’s brothers were the Uncles of Our Country!”
• (That would be Charles, John and Samuel Washington, don’t-cha-know. Therefore, sisters Betty and Mildred would be the Aunts of Our Country. GW’s three half-brothers and one half-sister didn’t make the Popcorn cut! Maybe next year.)
• George (Carlin, not Washington!) also said that our country was founded by slave owners who wrote that “all men are created equal,” so that lends some cringeworthy insight into the minds and morals of our storied Founding Fathers. (I don’t think there were any trans people to worry about then. Or indoor plumbing for that matter. . . .)
• jimjustsaying’s Product That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: Andy Warhol Soup.
• He said it: “The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”—John Milton, “Paradise Lost”
• She said it: “I'm always being painted a more tragic figure than I am. Actually, I get awfully bored with myself as a tragic figure.”—Judy Garland
• Gardeners: Don’t fret if your stuff doesn’t come up looking like the pictures in the seed catalog. Those pictures were posed by professional vegetables.
• Speaking of vegetables, whatever happened to the Garden Weasel? Do they still make it? Will they double my order if I act now and just pay extra postage and handling? Are operators still standing by?
• Life Irritation No. 54: The song you hated with a passion and had almost forgotten about it now becomes the soundtrack of a TV commercial that plays about 8 times an hour no matter what you’re watching. The “technical” term is “earworm.” (Kind of hard to work into a conversation, but there you have it.)
• Speaking of commercials, what’s all this about reptile dysfunction? What am I missing here?
• jimjustsaying’s Dine-Out Tip O’ the Week: Never patronize a restaurant that has dirty windows, burnt-out letters in its neon sign or menus with tassels on them.
• Your mouth is numbed up from Novocain, but the dentist asks you, after a cavity was filled: “Does your bite seem natural?”
• Memo to all clueless dentists: Nothing seems natural when your mouth is full of Novocain! (You have to wonder if any of them have ever been to the dentist? But surely they all have, so shouldn’t they know better?)
• jimjustsaying’s Fortune Cookie Message of the Month (courtesy of Lucky Liu’s, Milwaukee): “The volatility of life is what makes it fun.” (Say what? Methinks something got lost in the translation. Also lost somehow--the egg roll we paid for but never got in a recent order. That wasn’t volatile or fun. And I told them to skip the highly glycemic white rice, but—wait for it—THAT they sent!)
• Police imponderable: How is it that those foot chases you see on TV's "Cops” or “Cops Reloaded" invariably have a portly out-of-shape cop catching up to and tackling a skinny guy who looks like a marathon runner? Uncanny. But it happens all the time.
• More “Cops”: Why is most every male they encounter naked from the waist up? And the lyrics to the theme (“Bad boys, bad boys . . .”) are, in my experience, a bit outdated, as there have been more than a few bad girls in episodes of recent years. Apparently, the ne’er-do-well Glass Ceiling has been broken! Ah, equality.
• (A new series from the producers of “Cops” is now airing: “Jail.” No foot chases; same doofusses; different environment; bad boys and, of course, bad girls.)
• Do they make partial toupees? (What would they call them? Throw rugs?)
• How many fatalities is it going to take for people to realize that maybe--just maybe--air shows (Blue Angels, Golden Knights . . . ) aren't really that great of an idea anymore? Can't the teeming hordes of bored weekenders get their summertime jollies in another manner? One that doesn't involve fatalities?
• Sometimes the victims aren't the "performers" but innocent people on the ground who don't give a rodent's derriere about airshows and precision aerial maneuvers and the deafening sound and window rattling that frighten young children and pets in the surrounding 20-mile area. And how much taxpayer money is spent on the fuel and other logistics endemic to these spectacles? (Most of the assembled horde is probably looking down at their devices most of the time anyway.)
• One horrifying example (and there are more than a few): A fighter jet crashed into an ice cream parlor shortly after takeoff during the Golden West Sport Aviation Show in Sacramento a few years ago. Among the 22 killed were members of a Little League team who were celebrating inside at the time. Another 28 people were injured. The pilot suffered only a broken arm and leg and was ultimately blamed for the accident.
• But there’s more, as ad pitchmen like to say:
• The Not-So-Friendly Skies: For decades, commercial airline travel has gotten progressively safer. But now it’s going the other way, and one cause of deaths has stubbornly persisted: pilots who intentionally crash in murder-suicides. Yes, whether on land, at sea (search for cruise ship horror stories) or in the air, the world is becoming an increasingly perilous place. (No Greyhound atrocities lately, so maybe that’s the best way to go!)
• Preliminary evidence suggests the crash of a China Eastern Airlines Corp. jet in March may be the latest such pilot suicide tragedy, a person familiar with the investigation said. If confirmed, that would make it the fourth since 2013, bringing deaths in those crashes to 554.
• jimjustsaying's Faded Phrase of the Week: "Put on the feedbag."
• Nothing labeled or advertised as “flesh tone” has truly matched the color of anyone’s flesh, regardless of race, color or creed.
• jimjustsaying's Sign-Spotting Gem of the Month: Outside Timsan's Japanese Steak House in Green Bay, Wis.: "Come in and sashimi sometime."
• There are three stages of scientific discovery: First, people deny that it is true; then, they deny that it is important; finally, they credit [or blame?] the wrong person."--Alexander von Humboldt, 19th Century naturalist
• Show me a child who prefers white milk to chocolate milk, and I'll show you a future insurance claims adjuster!
• I saw the telecast of the Cubs playing at Yankee Stadium a few weeks ago, and it reminded me of my brother’s first visit to that hallowed ballyard. It was Handgun Night! And John Gotti threw out the first ball! (Ah, Noo Yawk!)
• jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month (a word no normal person ever uses but is often encountered in newspaper headlines and stories): Debauchery ("The Secret Service agents were said to be engaging in various acts of debauchery on presidential trips.")
• Deplorable fact: The main TV networks won’t cover political hearings and conventions from gavel to gavel because of low ratings. But they fight for the right to cover all 200 laps of the Indianapolis 500, the outcome of which has absolutely no bearing on the future of the republic. As a wise man once said, in a democracy, people tend to get the kind of government they deserve. So here we are!
• Redundancy Patrol: “Past history,” “basic fundamentals” and “smiled happily.”
• “Directors take office next Monday, and the treasurer takes off in July.”—Centerville (Iowa) Citizen, via “Still More Press Boners,” by Earle Tempel.
• ·Overheard: “Most people are terrified by their boss’s silence than what the boss actually says.
• I wonder if the vanity plates “SAGE” or “INFLUENCER” are taken here in Wisconsin? (I’ve been rocking JIMPALA since 2016 and am up for a change. Send suggestions to jsjazz@live.com.)
• jimjustsaying’s Party Ice-Breaker of the Month: “Say [actual partygoer’s name here], did you know that the words taxi, pajamas and soup are the same or similar in many foreign languages?”
• Speaking of words, herewith jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Somnambapologist.” n. The person too polite to admit he or she was sleeping when awakened by the phone at three in the morning.
• DRUDGING AROUND: 8 in 10 food delivery drivers admit eating some of customers’ orders . . . Bradley Cooper prosthetic nose in Leonard Bernstein biopic sparks “Jewface” debate . . . Dogs better at detecting Covid than rapid tests . . . STUDY: Too much self-confidence bad for health . . . Scientists create super-vicious hamsters in lab experiment gone wrong . . . Ambulance stolen in carjacking . . . The “Dead Kids Club”: Parents of victims are a growing network . . . Movie star chimp found in basement after owner faked its death, PETA says . . . Woman says she caught STD in car; auto insurance to pay out $5.2 million . . . Man arrested for leaving flowers on fiancée’s grave is found guilty of littering . . . Team-building hot coal walk ends in disaster after 13 are hospitalized with severe burns . . . Man and 47 cats found living in car . . . China devises mind-reading device that detects when men viewing porn . . . ISS smells terrible because astronauts have more flatulence . . . Scientists discover animals that don’t grow old . . . Friends at first sniff: People drawn to others who smell like them . . . Toyota recalls first mainstream electric car because wheels fall off . . . Army relaxes tattoo policy, approves hand, neck ink as it faces recruiting shortfall . . . SUBWAY customer shoots worker dead for putting too much mayo on sandwich . . . Cops clock speeder going 169 mph . . . Drunk mayor crashes car—after meeting families of drunk-driving victims . . . “Biblical” swarms of giant crickets destroying crops in West . . . Amid attacks and thefts, some retailers want to fight back . . . Beer made from recycled toilet water wins admirers . . . Anchovies raining from sky across San Fran. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of intrepid aggregators.)
• Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Bones.” As in, Ralph “Bones” Gollnick, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, May 29, 2022. R.I.P., Bones.
• Today’s Latin Lesson: Epistulam tuam ad sonum relinquas. (“Leave your message at the sound of the beep.”)
  
  
  Special thanks to Terri Yaqui, this month’s Popcorn intern.

POPCORN

                                                        By Jim Szantor 

Rhetorical questions, questionable rhetoric and whimsical observations

about the absurdities of contemporary life

• Green olives, bottles; black olives, cans. Discuss.
• I’ve never seen a service animal that wasn’t doing an exemplary job. People? Not so much. But their devices are always working overtime.
• There are no slacker service animals. They’re so skilled, gentle and dedicated that it can move you to tears.
• Based on what I’m seeing on baseball telecasts, I think it’s high time to revise some of the lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”: “Buy me some nachos and Cracker Jack, I’ll send you a selfie before I get back, for it’s . . . .” 
• He said it: “Never belong to a club that would have you as a member!”—Groucho Marx
• She said it: “No matter how cynical you may become, it’s never enough to keep up!”—Lily Tomlin
• jimjustsaying’s Fortune Cookie Message of the Month (courtesy of Lucky Liu’s, Milwaukee): “A bit of coin will fall into your wallet this month.” (Whew! For a moment, I thought it said “bitcoin.” Almost got a case of the crypto creeps!)
• This just in, a Washington Post story titled “Crypto is a solution in search of a problem.” Subtitle: “Crypto is dropping like a rock. Here's why that's a good thing.” (See my Link Tank in jimjustsaying.com for the full story.)
• Speaking of current trends, check this May 26 headline: “Pickleball Is the Wild, Wild West’: Inside the Fight Over the Fastest-Growing Sport in America”
• Good Lord! Can’t we do anything in this country without distorting it and contorting it and ruining it? Facebook started as a college’s boy messaging service for “rating girls,” and now it supposedly has become a subversive propaganda vehicle and a threat to our democracy that has come under heavy government scrutiny. Ditto Twitter and that out-of-control billionaire Elon Musk.
• Whatever happened to Faye Dunaway? (According to recent reports, she’s alive and well and writing a tell-all to “even a few scores.”)
• jimjustsaying’s Media Word of the Month (a word no normal person ever uses but is often encountered in newspaper headlines and stories): Travails
• Redundancy Patrol: ATM machine, VIN number, revert back.
• All Over-Rated Team (in this case, “The G Team”): Whoopi Goldberg, Jim Gaffigan and Greg Gutfeld.
• Shouldn't public-service ads (or those tag lines at the end of beer commercials) say "Please drive responsibly" instead of "Please drink responsibly"? If you're home alone, I don't much care if you drink irresponsibly (as long as you don't "drunk dial" me!).
• Memo to magazine publishers: Stop sending me renewal notices six or more months prior to my renewal date. It’s annoying, a waste of paper, and I know full well I’m going to get a better deal if I hold out until the last minute. (But it must pay off for them or they wouldn’t be doing it.)
• Overheard: “Stay away from ‘still’ people: Still broke, still complaining, still hating, still nowhere.”
• I just read that the Chicago Police Department has 25 mounted officers and 30 horses. That could mean that right now there are 5 horses running around arresting people all by themselves!
• A wise man once said that a good work ethic also requires a good rest ethic
• Two statements that are probably applicable in almost every case or situation: The truth probably lies somewhere in between . . . or there’s probably enough blame to go around.
• Why can you get brown rice in any grocery store but never in any Chinese restaurant? Discuss.
• It never fails: My transaction at the post office usually takes about 20 seconds, but the person before me? Must have been trying to send weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea. (Unwrapped, of course.)
• Vastly underrated life skill: Being able to flawlessly giftwrap a Christmas or birthday present.
• Most people hate the sound of their own voices, the sight of their own photos or their inability to giftwrap anything.
• Overheard: “The best way to truly surprise someone at a surprise party is to hold it a week late.”
• If you’ve never checked the pressure on your spare tire, feel no guilt. Your current car probably doesn’t have one.
• About the only thing my first car (1954 Chevrolet Bel Air) and my current car (2016 Chevrolet Impala) have in common: No CD player! (CD players in cars lasted about as long as the Sony Mini Disc or the video disc.)
• Newspaper ad: "You're invited to a Free Gourmet Dinner--Exclusively for Women with Low Thyroid." (Let's see: Tuesday--Mexican night; Wednesday--Stir-Fry Special; Thursday--Low-Thyroid Gals Night Out! Got it!)
• jimjustsaying’s Newspaper Obituary Headline Nickname of the Month: “Bumpy.” As in, William “Bumpy” Blaser, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, May 18, 2022. R.I.P., Bumpy.
• Belated Mother’s Day sentiment, via Canadian author Susan Gale: “Mothers are the glue. Even when you cannot see them, they are still holding the family together.”
• Drudging around: ‘Dead’ woman bangs on coffin to say she’s alive during funeral . . . Woman investigating dog attack killed by pack of dogs . . . STUDY: Direction your bed faces could be making you sick . . . Shanghai woman lived in phone booth for month . . . Robot chef learns to taste, chew, alter seasoning . . . Oregon law requires menstrual products in boys’ bathrooms? . . . Man dies of heart attack burying woman he strangled . . . STUDY: Psychopaths have bigger brains . . . Calling men “bald” counts as sex harassment, UK tribunal rules . . . City puts limits on how long a dog can bark . . . Arby’s manager seen in video peeing in milkshakes . . . Couple sues only son for not giving them grandchildren . . . Pope’s secret recipe to treat bad knee is tequila . . . Brain-altering parasite makes infected people appear more attractive to others . . . American girls now reaching puberty as young as 6 . . . Invasive jumping worms make way to Calif., worrying scientists . . . Is Happy the Elephant legally a person? Court to decide . . . North Carolina priest ditches job to become gay porn star at 83 . . . Rattlesnake population booming in California . . . They’re hazing bears with paintball guns in Tahoe . . . Rio airport screens show porn. (Thanks as always to Matt Drudge and his merry band of earnest aggregators.)
• jimjustsaying's Amazon.com Product of the Week: Orcon LB-C1500 Live Ladybugs, Guaranteed Live. Approximately 1,500 Count, $16.00.
• “When frying chicken, use a frying pan large enough so pieces will fit without crowing.”—Brattleboro (Vt.) Daily Reformer. —“Still More Press Boners,” Earle Tempel.
• jimjustsaying’s Word That Doesn’t Exist But Should of the Month: “Schlitzstop.” n. The one player in amateur softball games who thinks he can handle his position and a can of beer at the same time. —Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe,” Rich Hall and Friends.
• I like sweet potatoes--and the beta carotene is a nice bonus. (Frankly, I prefer alpha carotene, but, hey--that's just me! It’s an acquired taste.)
• Today's Latin Lesson: Haud, muneris, illic nusquam in vehiculum vos postulo ut fatigo super. ("No, officer, there's nothing in the car you need to be concerned about.")
Special thanks to Kaye Pasa, this month’s Popcorn intern